Goosebumps: Ghost Beach

Siblings Jerry and Terry Sadler are visiting their elderly second cousins once removed, Brad and Agatha Sadler. We open on the kids hanging out in a graveyard. Terri's doing some etchings of grave stones when some creepy kids surprise them. Their names are Louisa and Sam Sadler. Seems almost everyone in this town is a Sadler and they're all probably related. (Ooh, edgy--Stine, are you going to pull a V.C. Andrews on me?)

Louisa's sort of cute but Sam's so ginger, he must be a soulless demon. Can that be the twist, please?

The kids look at the grave of a guy called Harrison Sadler, and Louisa and Sam try to tell the others that the ghost of Mr. Sadler haunts the beach and lives in a spooky old cave. Jerri and Terri scoff and the others leave.

Terri and Jerry have dinner with Brad and Agatha that night. They try to tell Bragatha about meeting Sam and Louisa, and ask if they're related. The pair is visibly shaken and tells the kids that if they are, it's very distantly. Brad gets up and says he's got some reading to do. "I'll help," says Agatha. Yeah, that's not suspicious at all.

While Bragatha pore over their worn copy of "Reading for Dummies," Terri and Jerry shrug. The next day, they head for the beach. Jerry wants to look for the cave when Harrison Sadler lives but Terri's having fun looking for different kinds of seaweed. You guys both need better hobbies. May I suggest collecting scabs that look like St. Francis of Assisi, learning how to say a Bar Mitzvah blessing in Klingon, and determining the third word that ends in -gry.

Jerry trips over something and screams so girlishly that I half expect Macauley Culkin to step in and invite him to Screams 101.

It is the spitting image of the plasticine dinosaur model that I made in sixth grade as part of our biology project. Except I espoused the "Don't ask me, I'm just a girl" viewpoint of science and let my lab partner, the undiagnosed autistic child who lived in a world of his own, do all the work. That's my excuse for why my model looked so crappy--what's yours, R.L.?

Jerry and Terri wonder what it is. A raccoon maybe? Or perhaps this is the original Montauk Monster. Louisa and Sam pop up out of nowhere to proclaim that it's a dog skeleton. They explain that the ghost of Harrison Sadler killed and ate it. Ghost hate dogs because they know if someone's a ghost. (R.L.? Please tell me you were on some very expensive and obscure drugs when you came with dog-eating ghosts. The scary part is he was stone cold sober.)

These ghosts must be pretty soulless. Who looks at this and sees lunch?
I see at most an appetizer.

Louisa points up to the cave and says that the ghost has lived there for hundreds of years. They have never seen him but they've seen the flickering lights and dog bones. Wouldn't a simpler solution be that a Little Korea shantytown has developed in the cave? Lights start flickering in the cave, but Terri and Jerry show skepticism that's less characteristic of Goosebumps protagonists (and more characteristic of say...Are You Afraid of the Dark? or Ghostwriter kids) by dismissing these wild stories. Louisa and Sam look disappointed.

Later that night at dinner, Bragatha try to tell them the lights in the cave were aurora borealis. "It was the middle of the day--" Jerry pipes up. But Brad is having none of this logic and reason talk and tells them not go to the cave.

That night, the kids sneak out of the house for no real reason to go to the cave. They head in and see some fake bats. ("Come on, R.L., that was the best you could do?" "We used up all our budget shooting on location on a real beach! It was either this or use my son Matt's kiddie pool." "Oh." "And we already shot Deep Trouble there!")

Then they see a creepy looking man named Harrison Sadler who scares them. He tells them they shouldn't get involved with ghosts. (Man, tell that to Demi Moore and Lydia Deitz.) Then he tells them that despite what they think, he isn't a ghost. Simple mistake. It's easy to confuse British people with dead people. (Wait--no. That's Brits and gay people.) He says that the gravestone that said Harrison Sadler was just one of his ancestors.

He explains that Louisa and Sam are ghosts. They, along with their family and a bunch of other expatriates, emigrated to the New World but died of cold and starvation. Aw, poor, dumb, pre-Oregon Trail children. Didn't even have the sense to follow in the footsteps of the Donners or those people in Alive!.

Harrison Sadler says he's safe in the cave but can't leave. He tells the children that Sam and Louisa are evil. Jerry and Terri are understandably reluctant to believe him, so Harrison tells them to go to the graveyard and that they'll find their answer there. So the kids head to the graveyard and see...

That R.L. Stine totally cribbed the gravestones from Beetlejuice! I hope Tim Burton sues.

Oh, right, the kids are dead. Meh. Are You Afraid of the Dark? already did it, Stine! Plus, since Harrison Sadler just explained that his own gravestone was there because he's named after an ancestor, isn't there a fairly plausible explanation for this?

Then Sam and Louisa pop up, inexplicably wearing matching hoodies. Terri and Jerry explain what the ghost told them. Predictably, Louisa and Sam say that the gravestones are just ancestors of theirs, and that they need to stop the ghost by sealing him up in his cave. "But he's a ghost, can't he float through?" asks Jerry. Sam tells him that the cave is some kind of sanctuary that seals up evil. Jerry, I take back what I said about your strong skepticism. You're starting to make Marcia Clark look like a take no prisoners interrogator.

"You have to attack him before he attacks you!" says Louisa. No, that's Shark Bites and it's eat them before they eat you, but nice try, honey. Louisa and Sam explain that they haven't stopped the ghost because if they fail, he'll come after them. Oh, well, okay then.

So it's up to Jerry and Terri to go after the ghost and shut him up in the cave on their own.

"Use teamwork!" Louisa tells them.

Lightning crashes and Harrison appears. He thanks Jerry and Terri for bringing the ghosts to him. Harrison whistles and a Rottweiller appears.


("He's the adopted great great grand nephew of the dog in The Omen," Stine proclaimed proudly. "Aw, that's--wait, adopted?")

The dog growls at the kids, which means they're ghosts. Because dogs always know when someone's a ghost and start flipping out. Does that mean that Cujo was basically the canine version of that Sixth Sense kid? So Harrison was right. Louisa and Sam cry that they never had a chance to live, that they died during that first winter here on the beach.

During this heartfelt monologue, I pull Stine aside. "If they're ghosts of 17th century kids, why are they dressed like they stepped off a Gap commercial shoot?" "Well, the thing with that is--" "And if they came over from England, shouldn't they have accents like Harrison? Did they take speech lessons in addition to shopping at Old Navy?" Then I bit into the Monster Blood laced brownies that R.L. baked up in his lab and fell fast asleep.

By the way, the kids suddenly inexplicably change into Crypt Keeper types ghoulies when they're revealed as ghosts, but the version I have on youtube edited that out, so we can't snark that directly.

Lightning strikes and the rocks collapse.


When the kids look up, no one's there. They look around in awe. If I know my 90s kids shows, that's the cue for one of the kids to make a cutesy wise crack. True to form, Terri pipes up with, "Next time you see me sleeping, don't wake me up." Wait, that's IT? Come on, I can do better with one brain lobe tied behind my back. How about, "Man, life's a beach!" or "Jerry, is this a happy ending or a sad ending?" "It's just an ending, okay?"

Hey, wait a minute. Harrison Sadler died, too? Even though he wasn't a ghost and was in fact more or less a good guy? Lame. This cave is so the ghost equivalent of Guantanamo Bay.

The kids head back to Bragatha's place and tell them what happened. No one seems all that shocked to learn that ghosts exist and that an innocent old hermit just died, so either the Valium and old people medicine has taken effect or those mail order correspondence courses don't cut it for acting lessons. Then there's scratching at the door and the Rottweiler enters. He starts growling and whining at Brad and Agatha. "Looks like our secret's out," says Brad. Agatha puts on her apron--turns out that on tonight's menu is dog fried dog.

Man, they are what to cute old people what Every Breath You Take is to romantic love songs. But you know what, considering that last night's fare was Mrs. Lovett's meat pies, I'm up for anything.

I could say that this episode sucked in terms of plotting, acting, and dialogue, but I won't. Instead, I'll put a positive spin on it.

Here's where it excels.

Crappy lightning effects: A
Promoting negative stereotypes of the elderly: B+
Dogs who can outact people: A+

Goosebumps: How to Kill a Monster

Gretchen and Clark's parents have just gotten married and are off on their honeymoon, leaving their new stepchildren to stay with Gretchen's grandparents in the bayou during their adjustment period. Parenting at its finest. Gretchen and Clark are off to a rocky start already, too, what with their constant bickering. Hey, kids, want to truly piss off your parents? Make like Josh and Cher from Clueless and I foresee a really awesomely dysfunctional transition period. It's like I always say--incest is best.

The kids enter a house decorated in taxidermy. But no old people are to be found. Upstairs, they open a door to a closet when suddenly they're greeted by Gretchen's grandma. As she escorts them downstairs for gumbo, the camera pulls back to see...something under a sheet. Uh, Grandma, you might want to close the door.

Next scene. Gumbo.


Clark's having a hard time eating his gumbo because it's so spicy. He comments that this doesn't taste like any chicken he's ever eaten. A man in coveralls that don't quite cover all enters and tells them that it ain't chicken--it's gator!


Gretchen says hi to her grandpa who grins and says he didn't recognize his lil Gretchen. Grandpa tastes Clark's gumbo and adds more hot sauce. Heh. Then again, I can't find fault with Clark's inability to eat hot sauce. I myself choose the mildest salsa at Chipotle. Yes, Chipotle.

There's a horrible noise, and the kids ask what it is. "That was...swamp gas," grins Grandpaw. At this point, the prospect of there being no monster is a lot more frightening. Here's hoping you guys packed Depends and a shitload (so to speak) of Metamucil.

That night, Gretchen wakes up and goes to get a glass of water. She's curious about the closet, though, so she starts to open it. Grandpaw and Grandmaw appear and tell her it's just a storage closet, and she asks if she and Clark can go organize it tomorrow. (Or at the very least, make it preteen girl friendly with a lot of elbow grease and some Lisa Frank stickers.) Grandmaw tells her it's dangerous and things could fall on her.


Yeah, that's not suspicious at all. Honestly--when it comes to keeping nasty little family secrets, Grandma and Grandpaw need to take Philip Garrido's Correspondence Course.

Next day, Clark scares Gretchen by dressing up as an alligator. She freaks out and he runs off giggling. She tries to find him and then nearly falls down--turns out that the hallway is unfinished and the floorboards just end at one point. (Uh, wouldn't she have noticed this when she was DOWNSTAIRS? What kind of crazy house is this?) Gretchen turns on the light and looks around. She uncovers a white sheet and sees a monster lying there. She shrieks and hits the bulb which dangles around.


I see what you did, there, Stine. (I was about to congratulate him for having great taste by referencing Psycho--a film that I myself adore--but when I asked him his favorite character in the movie, he replied, "The one played by Vince Vaughan.")

Side note. I think it's hella odd that the monster is covered by a blanket. Does Grandpaw sneak in and tuck in lil Godzooky every night? Anyway, Gretchen backs out and sees Clark. She tries to tell him what's going on but he won't believe her and he goes inside the closet. He screams, but it's a fake out. There's nothing in there when they go in. Then the two of them go to the window, hearing something. Grandmaw and Grandpaw have driven off and left them unsupervised in a closet. Seriously, Grandmaw, have you never heard of a little thing called Flowers in the Attic? Or at the very least--R. Kelley?

Gretchen and Clark hear a noise and turn around.


They run out, locking the door, but the monster breaks through. (Why now?) Gretchen figures that they can use the ending hallway to make the monster fall and plummet to its death. They run and grab onto the railing and the monster falls.

Clark and Gretchen go downstairs, talking about how they're going to get out of here. Clark wants to go home to the city where the monsters are all human. But it turns out they're locked in. Gretchen says they'll have to go out a window or something and Clark points out there are no windows.

Then they see a letter from the grandparents. It reads that they needed to go into town on a special errand and to stay out of the storage room. Gretchen thinks that her Grandpaw must have thought he killed it when he was out hunting and brought it back...only for it to revive.

Just then, the monster appears. Turns out it was only mostly dead. Damn. Gretchen and Clark slam the door shut and put a bunch of horrifying chemicals in Grandmaw's gumbo. Then they hide and wait for the monster to eat it. It digs in as Clark sarcastically says to Gretchen that, "Great, it LIKES it." Monster likes it!

Binge, monster, binge! Binge like Blair Waldorf on some Godivas, after a wait list letter from Yale and finding out that Nate's fucking Serena again!

The monster falls over dead, and the kids head for the cellar to go out the coal shoot. Clark starts arguing that it probably won't work, and the two get into fight...and suddenly, the monster's back. Clark helps Gretchen up into the coal shoot but the monster tries to attack him. He sticks his fist down its throat and it looks floored and backs off. Okay, I turn to Stine and tell him that this is genuinely scary. But Stine just looks pissed.


"Um, you know my son Matt was on set that week. And we're STILL paying the psychiatrist bills." For a second I think he means his kid was traumatized for life until he tells me therapy started a few days later when he found his kid in the bathroom with a lot of lube, a couple of monster magazines, a how to guide entitled "Fist Your Way to Glory," and a photograph that can only be described as Goatse-illa.

Back to the episode. The monster sneezes and falls over. "Is it really dead this time?" Ah, budding skeptics. You guys will be snopes.com ready in a matter of weeks. To answer your question, yes. Yes it is. The monster explodes covering the two kids with monster goo.

Next scene, the kids have left M.C. Escher's House of Taxidermy and are strolling through the swamp. Gretchen figures out that the monster must have been allergic to Clark. The kids start apologizing for all the arguing they did earlier and decide they make a good team. Nothing like battling a monster and dealing with demented old relatives to restore family unity. (It's how Howard Hughes' two pugnacious grandkids finally settled their differences.) Clark asks Gretchen to check the letter from her grandparents to see if there's any more info. And here we have it--the twist!


According to the letter, there might be more monsters out in the swamp (presumably pissed that Grandpaw pulled an Elizabeth Smart on their monster), so don't go out after dark. All of a sudden, it gets dark and the kids look scared.

Okay, can the REAL twist be that PETA, pissed at Clark and Gretchen for killing a poor defenseless swamp sea kitten, is going to bring a class action lawsuit against them?

Goosebumps: The Girl Who Cried Monster

Before we begin, R.L. and I want to make a special announcement. This episode may be a little bit dark for some viewers. It's about a young girl who sees an older man in a position of authority over her doing something. And when she tries to tell, not even her parents believe her. It also concerns the "M" word. I'm talking of course about monsters.

Lucy Dark is obsessed with monsters. When the episode opens, she's telling her little brother a story about the toe-biter monster. She finishes by sticking her toes in the mud and then screaming that all her toes were bitten off by the toe-biter.

Randy freaks out and runs inside. Mother Dark tells her daughter not to tell silly monster stories. Besides, it's time for Lucy to go to the library for the reading program. She heads over with her best friend, Aaron. At the library, creepy old Mr. Mortman the librarian asks Lucy what book she read this week. She said she read Black Beauty and that it was boring because it should have had more monsters. (Or it should have been the kind of book you can buy on the side of the street in Harlem and featured a shirtless, glistening Seal look-alike on the cover.)

Lucy chooses Frankenstein as her next book and Mortman says that that's also a classic, like Black Beauty, and is she sure she'll like it? (I'm with Mortman--Classics aren't that scary. The most frightening reading experience I had was when I read my last Goosebumps book, The Beast from the East as a child, the twist being that I'd wasted my childhood and had nothing to show for it other than an in depth knowledge of every outfit that looked good on Claudia but terrible on everyone else.)

When Lucy and Aaron leave the library, she mentions how creepy Mortman was and how the book was dripping wet when he handed it back to her. Nasty. But at least your creepy old vaguely molestery guy works at the library and not at the pizza shop like in my hometown. Now that's-ah a soggy-ah meatball!

Lucy realizes she forgot her roller blades at the 'brary and heads back inside while Aaron leaves. She spies on Mortman and sees him feeding flies to his pet spiders. She watches him shovel flies into his mouth and then morph into a monster. She gapes.

Lucy runs home and tells her parents that the middle aged unmarried male librarian unleashed his two-eyed monster to her. They think she's making up stories. (Say what you like about girls who tell outlandish stories--if I were standing in B&N looking for memoirs about weird experiences, I'd buy Lucy Dark's book way before buying Kathryn Harrison's or Mackenzie Phillip's.)

Lucy's dad says that he had hoped this monster thing was just a phase she was going through. Lucy emos, "LIFE is just a phase I'm going through." (Hide the razor blades and the dark eyeliner, folks.) Also, the smug smile on R.L. Stine's face that had appeared when he thought he was going to get the Judy Blume Award for Understanding the Psyche of the Adolescent Girl disappears when I break out into laughter.

Later, Lucy phones her friend Aaron and tells him about her plan. She's going to take a picture of Mortman as a monster and win James Randi's money. Also, prove to her parents that she wasn't lying.

Next scene, at the library, Mortman and Lucy discuss Frankenstein. "Didn't you think that the monster was the most sympathetic character in the story?" Don't fall for it, Lucy! This is just like the time my high school English tutor asked me if I thought Humbert Humbert was the most sympathetic character in all of literary history and then slipped me a lifetime membership card to NAMBLA. "Perhaps we all have a little monster in us, Lucy," he says. Uh, no, Mortman, I don't want a little monster in me, and don't try and tell me how you'd try and rearrange the alphabet to make "U" and "I" right next to each other.

Lucy pretends to leave and then hides in the library again. She watches Mortman eat spiders this time and takes a picture of him. But he sees the flash going off and tries to find her as she hides. She runs away but he's seen her and yells for her to come back. Also, the Internet starts to blaze with indignation as every Feministing, Jezebel, and Salon.com Broadsheet commenter races to condemn Lucy for photograhing Mortman without his consent. (Sadako: "But he's a MONSTER." Average Commenter: "He got photographed without his consent! And lied about other monsters. She has nothing to be proud of. What a disgrace.")

Back at home, she locks the door. But Mortman shows up on the porch asking if he can come inside. Lucy tells him that her parents aren't home. Then she realizes what she said, and this whole segment turns into an anti strangers PSA from the early 90s. "I mean, they'll be home any minute...I mean, they're in the bathroom. Mom, is dad still cleaning his rifles?" Mortman mentions that she left her backpack at the library, and she tells him to just leave it on the doorstep. Pedo-Bear gets the message and goes.

Okay, R.L., I take back the snark--this truly will haunt my dreams, no jokes. And as for you, Mr. Mortman, sitting backwards in chairs is the way to reach out to the kids. Not smiling creepily. Now I'm going to give you to the count of ten, to get your ugly, grey, no good sweater vest off my property, before I pump your guts full of lead. See, Lucy? You have to be firm.

When her parents come home, Lucy tries to tell them about how Mortman came over to drop off her backpack. They think it's nice of him to go out of his way to do that. Yeah, and it was really nice of wacky old Arnold Friedman to give all those computer lessons to supple pubescent boys in the 80s. But Lucy really wants to get to the crime lab to get these photos developed.

So, her parents take her to the mall so they can go to the One Hour Photo. Coincidentally, Mr. Mortman is here. I bet he's here because he wants to go next door to the video store to get Monsters, Inc. and then go home and write X-rated fanfic with him as Sully and Lucy as Boo.

"Quite the little photographer, aren't you?" he asks Lucy. He looks all huffy, like a bicurious girl who went wild in Cancun confronting Joe Francis, along with her rich daddy's tax lawyer. For the record, though, the photos Lucy took show everything in the shot except Mr. Mortman. Because monsters don't show up on film.

I turn to R.L. "That's the best you could do to resolve this plot point? Monsters don't show up on film?! Besides, I seem to remember monsters photographing plenty well in the Abominable Snowman of Pasadena, book 38 of Goosebumps, and in One Day at Horrorland--" And that's when the chloroform kicked in. I admit, I push him too far at times. Okay, okay, on my list of Photography Don'ts, I'll add the monster rule, along with "Don't violate the rule of thirds," and "Out of focus shots of disembodied breasts are not great art even if they are in black and white."

Next, Lucy's parents interrupt and tell Mr. Mortman what a great librarian he is and could he come to dinner that night? He agrees.

That night, Mortman shows up. He asks what they're having for dinner and Lucy's dad says, "It's funny you should ask, but...you." Then the Darks grow fangs and there's a cutaway to what looks like a Nature program clip of rattlesnake going for a hipppo (with a grey cardigan and glasses photoshopped onto him) and when we come back, Mortman's been eaten.

The parents explain that, of course, the Darks are all monsters and that when they're older, Lucy and Randy will grow fangs of their own. So why'd they kill Mortman if he's one of them? Because there's only room in town for one set of monsters. It's the same reason Beth Ditto, Amy Winehouse, and Keith Richards rarely headline shows together.

Then there's something at the window that looks vaguely monstrous and the parents get ready to kill again. But it's just best friend Aaron wearing a rubber monster mask. They tell him dinner's over but dessert is still to come. When he asks what it is, they say, "You..." Pause. "...Like cherry pie?" Can the twist be that they're offering up the hymen of their nubile young daughter?

Goosebumps: It Came From Beneath the Sink

This weekend, R.L. Stine refused to return my calls or answer my e-mails. I guess I was a little hard on him when I snarked the Haunted Mask. How was I supposed to know it's considered the jewel in his crown? It wasn't until I twittered that I was spending the night reading Goosebumps books and crying that he agreed to come over and help me out with this next episode. (I also had to buy him some mole glitter and tell him that it's a shame that M. Night's lawyers never gave him anything more than some jujubes and a free Haley Joel Osment plastic mask in the settlement where he alleged that The Sixth Sense directly ripped off The Ghost Next Door.)

And I'm glad he came back because this episode stars Katharine Isabelle, one of Canada's leading ladies (yeah, I know, contradiction in terms), and the star of the Ginger Snaps trilogy.

Kat and her family have moved to a new house in their same town. Their dog Killer starts freaking out because of something under the sink. So Kat investigates. Upon seeing some glowing red eyes, she assumes, "Aw, kitty" and reaches in. You know, during our cave unit of fourth grade science class, the first thing I learned was not to just reach into a dark space without making sure I knew what I was looking for. (In my defense, how was I supposed to know that Mrs. McCormack wasn't really a Mrs. yet and that she got her jollies that way?)

Anyway, Kat reacts much the same way I did when she sees what it is. Yech.

The rest of the family thinks it's just an ordinary sponge. (Well, except Killer.) You know, call me crazy but I thought that sponges were square and came in bright soothing pastels, usually yellow. ("Oh, please," sneers R.L., "that unrealistic, unattainable image for sponges?" Yeah, turns out that SpongeBob is to real sponges as Kate Moss is to girls with love handles and a penchant for eating Taco Bell.)

A series of terrible things start happening. And by terrible, I mean Kat's dad breaks the family china and Kat sees the sponge and then drops a glass in the bathroom that her little brother steps on. (This was the lead-in for the sequel, The Tetanus Shot of Doom.) After Kat tries to explain how it's the sponge's fault, her mom screams at her.

Kat's mom, this is why you take a page from Kate Gosselin--don't allow your children water when they're being whiny and make sure your husband is only entrusted with soft, unbreakable things, like his spine and that deformed sextuplet.

The next day, Kat comes downstairs. Her brother teases her with, "Look out, paper towel with eyes!" (R.L. leaps up in excitement with his pen and yellow idea pad in hand till I remind him that he pitched that one to Scholastic as his first Fear Street book and they 86ed it.) Then it turns out that Killer is missing.

Kat goes out on her bike looking for Killer when her brakes fail and she gets into a crash. She comes home and Daniel and his friend, Carlos, ask about Killer. She couldn't find him. Kat thinks it's the sponge's fault. She suddenly leaps up as she sees it under the bike helmet. It glows, and the other two finally believe her.

Kat decides to get rid of it by burying it. Carlos tells her they should keep and study it, but Kat is having none of that. As it pulsates, she drops it.

I just have one question. A black kid named Carlos? Were you originally trying to fill your non-white quotient with a Hispanic kid but then forgot to change his name when you cast an African American child?

The next day, the lawn is in shambles.

Somewhere, Hank Hill dies a little inside.

Kat and Daniel dig up the sponge. Kat takes the sponge to school and asks her science teacher Ms. Vanderhoff about it.

"Garden variety kitchen sponge by the look of it," says the science teacher. Okay...Really? Really?

All right. Is this the same science teacher I had in third grade who took off points when I brought in a diorama of plastic dinosaurs romping because Apatosaur lived during the Jurassic period and Triceratops lived during the Cretaceous, but gave me some extra credit due to the fact that they were all giving rides to my tiny Fisher Price kids? Damn that year we spent in Kansas.

Ms. Vanderhoff says it seems like a normal sponge to her but that she'll take a closer look at it later. Ms. V? Wearing a pair of thick tortoiseshells isn't going to make you a great intellect any more than said glasses made Tina Fey look like a nerdy bookish type.

Kat leaves the sponge with her teacher and heads home.

At home, Carlos is reading Encyclopedia of the Weird. "Does it have her picture in it?" Daniel jokes, gesturing at Kat.

Carlos says that according to this book, the sponge is a grool, a creature that causes bad luck wherever it goes. It also feeds on bad luck, getting stronger the worse things become. Carlos clumsily foreshadows that it's a good thing that they didn't find a lanx, which is a vampiric potato.

Carlos also tells them that if the owner gives away the grool, then the owner will die. Kat realizes that she left the grool with her teacher. The kids head over to the school.

Open on a janitor listening to headphones and singing "You Are My Sunshine," as he cleans. The kids sneak into the science classroom but can't find the grool. They hide as the janitor comes in and turns on the light, revealing that the grool is sitting on a table.

The janitor finds the grool and starts using it to wipe down the counters.

The fuck? Does everyone think that's what kitchen sponges really look like? Ether Typhoid Mary runs a cleaning agency that this guy works for, or this episode and the book it was based on were commissioned by some angry sponges who wanted to do for the sponge image what Dove Real Beauty did for women with cellulite.

The lights suddenly go out and the janitor heads over to the circuit breaker when he bumps his head and passes out. The grool starts making noises and the kids try to find it in the dark. Kat sees a sign that says, "Danger: ACID." She climbs up on a stool and the grool surprises her. She falls, knocking over the acid, and the goggles, zey do nussing! The grool grows happily. The kids want to escape but the door is barred for no apparent reason. (Whoever gets to edit the goofs page on this episode's IMDb listing is going to have a long night.)

The kids decide to go out the window. They figure they'll have to carry out the still unconscious janitor, but as soon as they grab him, tape player falls down. The grool hears the awful corny music and starts to shrink. The kids realize that the music is pissing off the grool.

"The grool loves bad so it must hate good!" says Kat. So I have the grool to blame for drunken karaoke singers who think that Don't Stop Believing is their signature hit.

Daniel turns up the music but the tape player dies and the kids freak out until they realize they can just make up crap on their own (which is what Kiss said when their hair and make-up artist quit and how Peter Chris's kittykat persona was born). The kids tell the grool how awesome it is, and it shrinks. But then the acid starts making weird noises, until the janitor inexplicably wakes up and sprays it (with a fire extinguisher, pervs). Between all the spraying foam and the horrid music, I'm starting to get a flashback to the time my mom made me take my little cousin to a Jonas Brothers concert and a condom fell out of my back pocket and I had to spend the entire rest of the night being lectured to and trying on abstinence rings.

We cut to Kat's room the next day. She wakes up and puts a gigantic set of headphones on the grool's cage and tells him to enjoy as the sounds of Goosebumps music start to play.

The grool writhes in pain like a hipster forced to listen to a band that Pitchfork just wrote about and that now has a following of more than eight people.

Kat looks out the window and sees that the dog, Killer, has come back. The whole family welcomes back Killer (except Horshach who just does his trademark laugh). The family leaves and Killer drops something in Kat's lap. Kat asks what the dog brought her.

Aw, a dog who can bring me my favorite non-green vegetable! All right. (In other news, Dr. Atkins was once up on animal cruelty charges for beating his dog to death with a potato. His defense? Well, come on, the mutt brought him a complex carbohydrate. True story.)

The potato scowls and Kat screams.

You're probably laughing but this scene right here was the inspiration for the entire movie Teeth. (Well, a combination of that and the time that Mitchell Lichtenstein's girlfriend went down on him without taking out her retainer.) I'd also like to say that this is how this is how R.L. remembers the sexual encounter between him and the Missus that resulted in their son, Matt, being conceived, but I can't. No, not because I promised R.L. I'd cut back on those jokes, but because their kid was created in a lab somewhere. The closest they've got together physically is that time R.L. IMed his sweetheart with "*holding hands*"

Goosebumps: The Haunted Mask (Part 2)

And we're back. Yes, Sabrina's okay and Carly Beth hasn't gone off the deep end yet. (And as for the mole--"No, it's part of a fine Stine tradition of excellence in facial blemishes.") "Gotcha!" yells Carly Beth. "I was getting into character, you know, gettin' in the mood!" she says as she dances a little. Awkward. Well, I guess that's the pre-teen girl version of, "Somebody STOP me!"

At the next house, they ring the bell. A mom and her kids answer. One of the little kids says she doesn't like Carly Beth's mask. Carly Beth responds, "You better watch what you say if you know what's good for ya!"

The children that Carly Beth is shrieking at, Sadako, her teddy bear collection and (I'm willing to bet) a lot of this blog's followers, and David Gest all cower in fear. Touche, Stine, one for you. The mother of the kids gets pissed, understandably, and finally Carly Beth tells her she'll get what's coming to her and then grabs a handful of candy as she runs off.

The mother says to Sabrina, "You tell your sick little friend that I'm going to call the police." (Yeah, but you're going to wish you hadn't called the cops for preteen girls hopped up on sugar when the half way house opens up across the street, the tweakers move in, and behavior like this becomes as common as Starbucks.)

Sabrina wants to go home but Carly Beth ditches her to go find Chuck and Steve. We cut to the guys dressed as pirates singing in the town cemetery. Carly Beth stalks them from the bushes. Since she hasn't been exposed to Captain Jack Sparrow and only knows Pirates of the Caribbean as a Disney ride, she's probably not going to leap out at them with KY jelly on a rubber glove. (Sidenote: since turning Disney rides into movies apparently makes things hot, how come the Country Bears didn't do for those Charmin bears what Johnny Depp did for pirates?)

Carly Beth surprises Chuck and Steve and terrorizes them. They think it's her, but they aren't sure. And they're very, very afraid. Then Carly Beth starts referring to herself in the third person, telling them, "Apologize to Carly Beth!" and brandishing her head on a stick. Oh, R.L., THAT'S your idea of creepy? By that rationale, Bob Dole is the creepiest man in politics. (After R.L. stared at me pointedly, I got the message.)

Then the Carly Beth head quivers and says, "Help me," and the boys flee. Carly Beth digs a hole for her head and ditches it, then heads to Sabrina's. (See? Her personality's been co-opted. Did you get that? Do we need to spell it out for you any more clearly?)

Other, non-pictured things that Carly Beth does while wearing the mask: almost gets forcibly checked into the Betty Ford clinic, tricks a dumb sorority chick into thinking she's having sex with her jock boyfriend, and fields sexual come-ons from most of Lisa Lampanelli's exes.

At Sabrina's, the two girls look at their candy haul. Then Carly Beth tries to remove her mask. It won't come off and she asks Sabrina to cut it off.

Sabrina tries to find where the mask ends and Carly Beth's skin begins...but there's no line. Carly Beth takes off and runs screaming into the night. Sabrina the Pre-Teenage Bitch watches her go without trying to stop her. "Uh, do you still want your candy?"

At the mask store, the store owner tells her a tormented tale about how he was originally trying to create some beautiful faces but they all went wrong and somehow turned evil and ugly because of the evil within him, or something. (I wonder if this guy is responsible for the plastic surgery work on Cher and Joan Rivers.)

Turns out his own face was one that he created that will soon turn oogly. Store owner tells her that if the mask has already been removed once, she can't take it off again. She cries that it's not fair and starts flipping out and shaking him, and it's almost good enough to be a Montana Meth ad. The man says something about a symbol of love removing it. Oh, but the next time someone dons the mask that'll be it. Forever. No, seriously this time, really. Then the masks wake up and start to float after her.

Chased out by the other masks, Carly Beth runs for the hill, for her life and digs up the plaster of Paris mold shaped like her head. She puts it on. Yeah! That'll spook the other masks. I mean, that's a great symbol of love. It works, and as soon as she takes off the plaster of Paris head, the gross mask comes right off. She runs home, hugs her mother, and is super grateful for her own face.

Then Carly Beth's little brother comes in wearing the mask. Uh oh! Somebody call Customer Service! Or an Exorcist.

You know, this ending would be a lot more creepy if I hadn't seen the sequel, the Haunted Mask II, which totally retcons the "Carly Beth's Brother Has An Evil Mask For a Face" ending.

Goosebumps: The Haunted Mask (Part 1)

Before we get started, if you guys want to watch this episode for yourself, you can find it here on youtube.

Intro. The camera pans past a bunch of ugly masks to the most hideous one of all.

(Sidenote, Sadako to R.L.: "Nice FX for once! How'd you get the facial mole to throb like that?" R.L.: "It's a side effect of Lipitor and if you look directly at it, I'll get your soul in the mail along with my residuals.")

Okay, R.L. introduces us to the first episode ever of Goosebumps before joining me to feast on Milky Ways as he tries to defend his artistic integrity from my snark like Tom Wolfe's Charlotte Simmons defending her virtue from frat boys armed with Rohypnol and Smirnoff Ice. Blah blah blah, haunted mask, Carly Beth learns about the love of her family, yeah. Got it. The episode begins.

Carly Beth and her friend Sabrina walk through a pumpkin patch. They stare at a weird looking Halloween store and wonder aloud about it. The store owner stares at them. Then they traipse through the patch looking for a last minute pumpkin. Sabrina exposits that Carly Beth is terrified of her own shadow and that these guys at school are always picking on her.

Then Carly Beth screams. Two creatures in pumpkin head regalia jump out and assault her. It turns out it's just two boys from school, Chuck and Steve.

This is only the first time we see Pumpkinheads depicted as The Scariest Thing Ever. Jesus, R.L., is this inspired by an event where you were held down and sodomized nightly by a creature with a gigantic oozing Pumpkinhead? (He pipes up with, "I'll thank you not to refer to Mrs. Stine that way.")

Carly Beth stalks off in a rage. Sabrina tries to comfort her but ends up laughing, saying it was pretty funny. Shut up, Sabrina the Pre-Teenage Bitch. When Chuck and Steve end up publicly teabagging you after a few too many shots of tequila, you're going to be crying on Carly Beth's shoulder, begging for a little coke and sympathy.

At home, Carly Beth's mom tries to show her a mask she made at art class of Carly Beth's head. You know, there are some moms who really shouldn't go the extra mile to express love by creating face masks of their offspring. Carly Beth's mom, Judy Garland, and Katherine Jackson fall into that category. Carly Beth freaks, thinking that the mask smiled at her and her mom rolls her eyes. (Yeah, if this took place only a decade in the future, you could just reach for the Kiddie Prozac.) To be fair...look at that creepy head. It's so Uncanny Valley.

Oops. Wrong head.

Carly Beth's mom tells her Excitable Offspring that she bought her a duck costume for Halloween. In the last scene, we see the plaster of Paris head smiling.

Upstairs, Carly Beth goes to find her costume, but then her little brother, wearing it, attacks her. She freaks out before realizing it's her kid brother. Man, can we get this girl together with the loser from Calling All Creeps?

At school the next day, Chuck and Steve manage to put a worm in Carly Beth's sandwich. The final nail in the coffin. She freaks out and runs home crying and rips up the horrid duck costume in a rage. She goes to the Halloween store she saw last night in the hopes of something that will scare Chuck and Steve. In the costume store, she goes into a secret hidden room and finds a bunch of hideous masks.


I'll take Likenesses of Things Coughed Up by Amy Winehouse on Day 3 of the Honeymoon with Blake Fielder Civil for a thousand, Alex. Carly Beth reaches out for the scariest. It looks...oddly familiar.

Ooh, I know! Nicole Ritchie without any make up, with the same expression she made when she found out Cosmos had calories. Do I get a prize? Where's my Kewpie doll?

The store owner steps in and stops Carly Beth. He tells her about how the masks are truly dangerous and horrifying and possibly cursed. But Carly Beth is stupid and passes up the Frogurt with free toppings in favor of the hideous mask. She throws her life savings (thirty dollars) on the ground and runs out of the store as the man howls in rage.

Later, she scares her brother in revenge for the duck trick. She tries to remove the mask. It won't come off...at first. Carly Beth puts it back on.


Then she sneaks out of the house with the face-mask her mother fashioned for her. She scares some kids whom she thinks are Chuck and Steve by ripping off their costumes and screaming that if she had been coherent enough to figure out who they were, she'd make them sorry.

(And somewhere David Gest shudders and reaches for the Klonopin as he gets a flashback to his wedding night with Liza.)

Then she meets up with Sabrina who's dressed as a cat.

This is soon followed by a predictable barrage of comments on the order of "Aw, what an adorable SEWER RAT" or "Oh, what a scary mouse costume!" (Well, at least it isn't the Halle Berry as Catwoman costume, complete with CGI whip.)

MJ and Ben head down the street. Sabrina says that Carly Beth's costume is a little gross and that it feels like real skin.

Sabrina wants to know if it's real and begs her friend to take off the mask. Carly Beth gets pissed at this line of questioning and starts to strangle her. Years later, Tyra Banks would re-enact this scene when Paulina Porizkova just would not step down about the weave issue. And that's the end of Part the First. Is this the end of Zombie Sabrina? Will Carly Beth make the Bad Seed girl look wholesome? And will Sarah Jessica Parker give R.L. Stine the name of her plastic surgeon?