Thursday, August 13, 2009

Goosebumps: The Haunted Mask (Part 2)

And we're back. Yes, Sabrina's okay and Carly Beth hasn't gone off the deep end yet. (And as for the mole--"No, it's part of a fine Stine tradition of excellence in facial blemishes.") "Gotcha!" yells Carly Beth. "I was getting into character, you know, gettin' in the mood!" she says as she dances a little. Awkward. Well, I guess that's the pre-teen girl version of, "Somebody STOP me!"

At the next house, they ring the bell. A mom and her kids answer. One of the little kids says she doesn't like Carly Beth's mask. Carly Beth responds, "You better watch what you say if you know what's good for ya!"

The children that Carly Beth is shrieking at, Sadako, her teddy bear collection and (I'm willing to bet) a lot of this blog's followers, and David Gest all cower in fear. Touche, Stine, one for you. The mother of the kids gets pissed, understandably, and finally Carly Beth tells her she'll get what's coming to her and then grabs a handful of candy as she runs off.

The mother says to Sabrina, "You tell your sick little friend that I'm going to call the police." (Yeah, but you're going to wish you hadn't called the cops for preteen girls hopped up on sugar when the half way house opens up across the street, the tweakers move in, and behavior like this becomes as common as Starbucks.)

Sabrina wants to go home but Carly Beth ditches her to go find Chuck and Steve. We cut to the guys dressed as pirates singing in the town cemetery. Carly Beth stalks them from the bushes. Since she hasn't been exposed to Captain Jack Sparrow and only knows Pirates of the Caribbean as a Disney ride, she's probably not going to leap out at them with KY jelly on a rubber glove. (Sidenote: since turning Disney rides into movies apparently makes things hot, how come the Country Bears didn't do for those Charmin bears what Johnny Depp did for pirates?)

Carly Beth surprises Chuck and Steve and terrorizes them. They think it's her, but they aren't sure. And they're very, very afraid. Then Carly Beth starts referring to herself in the third person, telling them, "Apologize to Carly Beth!" and brandishing her head on a stick. Oh, R.L., THAT'S your idea of creepy? By that rationale, Bob Dole is the creepiest man in politics. (After R.L. stared at me pointedly, I got the message.)

Then the Carly Beth head quivers and says, "Help me," and the boys flee. Carly Beth digs a hole for her head and ditches it, then heads to Sabrina's. (See? Her personality's been co-opted. Did you get that? Do we need to spell it out for you any more clearly?)

Other, non-pictured things that Carly Beth does while wearing the mask: almost gets forcibly checked into the Betty Ford clinic, tricks a dumb sorority chick into thinking she's having sex with her jock boyfriend, and fields sexual come-ons from most of Lisa Lampanelli's exes.

At Sabrina's, the two girls look at their candy haul. Then Carly Beth tries to remove her mask. It won't come off and she asks Sabrina to cut it off.

Sabrina tries to find where the mask ends and Carly Beth's skin begins...but there's no line. Carly Beth takes off and runs screaming into the night. Sabrina the Pre-Teenage Bitch watches her go without trying to stop her. "Uh, do you still want your candy?"

At the mask store, the store owner tells her a tormented tale about how he was originally trying to create some beautiful faces but they all went wrong and somehow turned evil and ugly because of the evil within him, or something. (I wonder if this guy is responsible for the plastic surgery work on Cher and Joan Rivers.)

Turns out his own face was one that he created that will soon turn oogly. Store owner tells her that if the mask has already been removed once, she can't take it off again. She cries that it's not fair and starts flipping out and shaking him, and it's almost good enough to be a Montana Meth ad. The man says something about a symbol of love removing it. Oh, but the next time someone dons the mask that'll be it. Forever. No, seriously this time, really. Then the masks wake up and start to float after her.

Chased out by the other masks, Carly Beth runs for the hill, for her life and digs up the plaster of Paris mold shaped like her head. She puts it on. Yeah! That'll spook the other masks. I mean, that's a great symbol of love. It works, and as soon as she takes off the plaster of Paris head, the gross mask comes right off. She runs home, hugs her mother, and is super grateful for her own face.

Then Carly Beth's little brother comes in wearing the mask. Uh oh! Somebody call Customer Service! Or an Exorcist.

You know, this ending would be a lot more creepy if I hadn't seen the sequel, the Haunted Mask II, which totally retcons the "Carly Beth's Brother Has An Evil Mask For a Face" ending.