Get a Pencil and Your Casebook

2010-08-13T00:54:00.001-04:00

Hi, if you're here, please see my main blog, Dibbly Fresh as I've basically merged the content on this blog with that one. Thanks!

The Year Without a Santa Claus

2009-12-14T12:00:00.002-05:00

I love Rankin-Bass, obviously. So here's my second favorite of their specials. The Year Without a Santa Claus.

Santa's upset that no one appreciates Christmas. He's tired of working one day a year for free meals, housing, healthcare and amenities, and decides to throw a tantrum by taking a day off.

Mrs. Claus tries to point out that people still love Christmas.

Santa grumps. "Yeah, but the Gap mentioned Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Solstice in their ads. And the Old Navy greeters still say Happy Holidays even after our cease and desist."

Mrs. Claus has a few ideas, though. She calls up the head elves, Jingle and Jangle. She dresses up as Santa to see if she could do the job.

Jingle and Jangle show up to see her in Santa drag.

"No good, huh?" The elves and Mrs. Claus agree that it makes much more sense for the elves to go on a wild goose change that results in global warming rather than replace Santa with a minority.

Mrs. Claus tells the elves her plan: she wants Jingle and Jangle to go down to Earth prove to Santa that people do care by finding an example of Christmas cheer. Like a Target that only sells Christmas wreaths and refuses to stock menorahs. Or a young Glen "STOP THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS" Beck.

They pick Southtown, USA at random, and ride off on Vixen, a baby reindeer.

When Santa finds out, he scolds Mrs. Claus for sending such innocent souls into the world. He heads down after them.

Down on earth, Jingle and Jangle get a ticket for riding a reindeer. This results in them putting socks on Vixen to pass her off as a dog. (And, frankly, the cutest part of the movie.)

The elves try to talk to a kid named Iggy about Christmas spirit, but he blows them off. And soon they end up losing Vixen to the dog catcher.

Santa shows up next, riding a reindeer down to earth. Introducing himself as "Mister...um...uh...Clows," he asks Iggy if he's seen the elves. But Santa's more interested in whether Iggy himself believes in Santa. Iggy says no way and Santa grows upset.

Iggy's mom notices the strange man who popped out of the bushes to ask her son about Santa Claus and invites him in. Soon, Santa and the whole family rip off Yes Virginia in song form and burn copies of The God Delusion.

Iggy's a believer. Conveniently, he remembers what happened to the elves and their "dog." Santa leaps on his reindeer and rides him off into the distance.

About four hours later, Iggy and his parents realize that the guy was Santa.

Santa busts out Vixen and takes her home, putting her to bed. (The heat of Southtown was a bit too much for our gal.)

Iggy and the elves don't realize this and end up going to the mayor to ask him to release their reindeer. He'll spring Vixen--if the elves can get it to snow in the desert-like Southtown. And in fact he and all the other mayors in America will give Santa a day off.

After selling his eighth pardon of the day, the mayor takes a break to go take phone calls from Runner's World and John McCain, and for a song and dance number.

In the town, the people riot and burn the mayor in effigy in anger at the inefficiency and corruption of local government.

So with Mrs. C, the elves, and Iggy on shotgun, it's road trip time to see the Snow Miser, a guy who controls all cold weather, to ask him about snow in Southtown.

Hearing that Santa has a bad cold, Snow Miser responds, "That's too bad--I'd have given him a good one!"

"Don't you DARE make fun of Santa. He's as American as a Bible juggling, flag waving, sexually repressed talking apple pie."

"Kid, I've got icicles hanging off my nose. I'm hard core. I can break you."

"At least put some damned pants on, hippie."

Snow Miser agrees to the snow -- until he realizes it's in Southtown, which is under the control of his brother the Heat Miser.

At the Heat Miser's, they make their request, but it wasn't filled out in triplicate. Also, Heat Miser now demands the North Pole be warm and under his domain.

Also, that everyone at the North Pole style their hair like Troll Dolls.

The miser brothers end up fighting, so Mrs. Claus goes over their head to Mother Nature who tells Snow Miser to allow one nice day at the North Pole and Heat Miser to let it snow in South Town.

It does snow--their weather tampering works. A young Al Gore sobs silently.

Best of all, everyone agrees Santa gets a holiday and work together to send him cards and presents.

In Santa's honor, a group of ethnic stereotypes decide to film a United Colors of Benetton ad.

Santa's all set for his day off until he gets a card.

Santa blows his nose, teary eyed. Hey, at least she didn't spell Santa with a 6.

Inspired, Santa calls everyone into his office.

"Don't you realize that it's feasible that we can reduce the number of PC holiday celebrations by 80% in favor of Christmas parties? That we can raise the Nativity scenes in banks and city halls by 21% in towns where the Jews and atheists are too browbeaten to complain? Christmas is on!"

Vixen, who was sick in bed only a few hours ago, takes her place among the others, having been stuffed to the gills with NyQuil and Red Bull, with a "Solstice is for Pussies" bumper sticker on her ass.

Child reindeer labor laws, anyone?

Santa sets off happily but bursts into sobs of "No one loves Christmas" when he sees a house whose rooftop is adorned with a HAPPY DIWALI sign.

Vixen, it's going to be a long night.

Rankin Bass's Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

2009-12-08T12:00:00.004-05:00

Once upon a time, there was a reindeer named Rudolph. His nose was so shiny, you could even say it glowed. Of course, not everyone thought it was so great. Santa, for example, showed up at Rudolph's parents house on the day Rudolph was born to tell them Rudolph would be a great failure if his nose didn't stop shining.

And I thought Nuclear Wintour was a bad boss--but even she refrains from showing up to fondle Heidi and Kate Moss's kids to make sure their hips aren't too thick and their faces are symmetrical enough to grace Vogue one day. (Well, she has since the restraining order.)

Rudolph thinks his nose is fine. He doesn't want to cover it up. "I don't want to, Daddy!"

But in the Donner household, democracy is for chumps.

Meanwhile, Santa and the Mrs. deal with disordered eating. Mrs. Claus invites Santa to, "Eat, EAT! Whoever heard of a skinny Santa?" And besides, her Feeder fetish website isn't going to get any hits if Santa doesn't bulk up.

Santa responds by threatening to eat her head.

At the reindeer games, Rudolph succeeds (well, come on, the only competition was Ben Affleck and Gary Sinise). He also meets a rather creepy coach, Coach Comet, who informs the reindeers, "My name is Comet. And even though I'm your coach, I wanna be your paaaaal."

Rudolph's friend, Fireball, and his reaction:

You and me both, Fireball.

Santa sees the nose and yells at Donner for not having had the sense to kick his mate in the stomach when she was pregnant, thus aborting Rudolph pre-emptively. He presents Donner with the traditional Bowie knife so he can commit harikiri. "You should be ashamed of yourself!"

Rudolph flees.

But he meets a cute doe named Clarice, who proves that she's already a better mate than either Debbie Rowe or Lisa Marie Presley by saying that she prefers his real nose, that it's much better than the silly false one he was wearing.

But Clarice's dad shows up and sends Clarice packing. (Time for her to get her eyelash extensions redone.)

Rudolph meets up with a blond elf named Hermey whose life goal is to be a dentist. The two decide to head off together. They soon meet up with a strange red headed man who casually hurls a pick axe and alternatively claims to be looking for gold, silver, and peppermint.

Without much debate, they decide to hang out with the stranger. After all--he does have cute puppies.

Rudolph, Yukon, and Hermey Scrivello, DDS, escape the Abominable Snowman of the North.

They later find themselves at the Island of Misfit Toys, where an effeminate Charlie in the Box, a polka dotted elephant, and a weepy doll, among others, complain that no one wants them. (I recommend a name change, a home among hipster kids, and Xanax--in that order.)

Rudolph promises the leader of the misfit toys, a winged lion who wears a crown named King Moonracer, that he'll tell Santa about the plight. Then Rudolph sets out on his own because he doesn't want to put Yukon or Hermey Scrivello, DDS at risk.

Burl Ives narrates that Rudolph is beginning to grow up.

Sadako's reaction:

Okay, well, anyway. Where was I? Growing up...goddamnit, stupid sexy Rudolph!

Rudolph returns home to find that his father went out looking for him and told Mrs. Donner to stay home because "this was man's work." But Clarice and Mrs. Donner went out to look for Rudolph, too. Assuming that female reindeer are like guy reindeers but with no reason or accountability, Rudolph assumes they went to the Bumble's lair and finds the Bumble about to pull a Polyphemus on all three reindeer.

Yukon and Hermey Scrivello, DDS happen to wander by at the exact moment because apparently the Bumble's place is like the Central Perk of the North Pole. Formulating a plan, they knock the Bumble out and Hermey goes to work yanking out his teeth and then dances happily among a sea of molars.

Later, the Head Elf relents and lets Hermey become a dentist. Looks like dental school and being board certified are overrated--being a dentist just means having a knack for sadism. (Marathon Man and Little Shop of Horrors were right.)

The Bumble's strength apparently was in his teeth. He shrinks inexplicably and Yukon Cornelius hurls him off the cliff and falls.

Except he was just punking us 'cause Bumbles can bounce. At home, Santa welcomes Rudolph and the others home, telling our favorite W.C. Fields schnozz that suicide was too harsh. Rudolph can just live out the rest of his life as a Boo Radley esque social pariah instead.

Suddenly, a report comes in that the weather is too rough. (Santa, like Newman, doesn't go out when it rains.) Rudolph's nose starts to glow.

Santa decides to surgically remove the nose and attach it to his sleigh as a beacon, but when he realizes there's no time, he promotes Rudolph to the head of the sleigh.

When Santa realizes how financially viable having a glowing reindeer will be, he grabs Rudolph and whispers sweet nothings to him.

Viewer reaction:

Santa ponders going back for the misfit toys. He decides against it because it'll add to overhead costs. A year later, he rectifies this mistake after the public relations nightmare. (Hasbro threatened to organize a million toy march and Kanye West announced on national TV, "Santa doesn't care about toys.")

Well, the official story is that viewers complained that the toys got left behind, so Rankin-Bass edited in a sequence over the credits.

Did we mention he's a misfit because he's a bird who can't fly--he swims?

Santa's lawyers learned from the Planned Parenthood and ACORN debacle and reported that this elf absolutely wasn't acting on orders from above.

Have a holly jolly Tuesday.

Goosebumps: Vampire Breath

2009-12-03T12:00:00.005-05:00

Cara and Freddy are twins who are about to turn thirteen tomorrow. Their parents leave them home while warning them not to look for their presents. As soon as they're gone of course...present time!

Cara and her twin search the basement for gifts. (No, check the way, way back of the coat closet near the front door!) I wonder what present they'd really like this year. The knowledge that Mommy won't verbally berate Daddy on screen anymore, and that Daddy will stop hooking up with Hailey Glassman? Oops, I'm thinking of Cara and Maddy, not Cara and Freddy.

The basement turns out to have a secret passageway that they head down. (Maybe I've been watching too much House Hunters, but this just sky rocketed the value of your house and more than makes up for the matching kitten tiles and wallpaper.)

And there's a coffin on the other side of this hidden room. The kids find a tiny bottle of something called Vampire Breath and open it.

I tried finding out if Vampire Breath really exists and if I could buy it for the good of the blog. So I headed down to my local vampire coven (i.e., a Hot Topic at a mall in Jersey when I was there visiting friends), and asked. The girl in the New Moon hoodie wrinkled her cute beglittered little nose and said that Vampire Breath sounded icky but offered me a tube of DuWop Lip Venom V at half price.

Sadako will stop (briefly) hating on current-pires. Back to the episode. The coffin opens...with a vampire in it.

He moans about he's been sleeping for so long and how thirsty he is. Fatigue? Thirst? All those years of reading Babysitters Club books were not in vain. Stacey McGill has made me into an expert--dude, you have the diabetis.

The vampire speaks. "I'm Count Nightwing. What are your names, children?"

Cara and Freddy introduce themselves and he moans, "So young, so freeeeesh." I'm having flashbacks to the time I took the overweight flabby D&D leader tutoring me in physics to a freshman mixer my first year of university.

The children inquire as to whether he's a vampire. "A vampire? You make me sound like a common creature of the night. I am lord of the undead." But what you're leaving out is that one, you're only a count, and two, you didn't inherit your title--you purchased it. You get outranked by earls, dukes, and other counts. At the yearly Vampire Consortium, you're seated at a lowlier station than Bunnicula, Mrs. Jeepers, and Sesame Street's the Count.

Count Nightwing's hungry! But whom to eat first? (In the words of the late great Towelie, booooth!) "Boys have such a hearty robust flavor. Rich and satisfying." Just then, Count Nightwing pauses to remind himself to jot that down for his yearly NAMBLA keynote speech.

"On the other hand, girls offer such a sweet, delicate bouquet. So refreshing." R.L., please tell me you didn't go there.

He opens his mouth and the kids make fun of him for not having any teeth. "How dare you mock me? I must have taken them out before I went to sleep." He decides he needs the bottle of vampire breath.

The children offer to help him find the bottle in exchange for him letting them go. "How dare you haggle with me? I am invincible." Please, Nightwing, Sonic and Mario Mario were invincible at times.

You can be destroyed with a wooden stake, a tape recording of Here Comes the Sun, withdrawal of your insulin, or some oversoaked breadsticks from Olive Garden.

The kids find the bottle. Freddy threatens to break it, and there's a struggle. "Give it to me!" Then the kids fall into the coffin which turns into a long slide and sends them down a tunnel as they scream.

Freddy and Cara appear to be in the basement of some Gothic castle with tons of coffins strewn everywhere.

They try to find a way out. A cute blonde little girl named Gwendolyn pops up and begs them not to hurt her. She tells them that the vampires make her clean their coffins all night while they're out hunting or they'll turn her into one. Vampires with the OCD tendencies of Adrian Monk, the health sensibilities of Wilford Brimley, and the sexual taste of Gary Glitter? Meh, this is still better than the new Twilight trailer I had to bring my babysitting charges to see.

Gwendolyn wants to find the vampire breath for no apparent reason so they search for it. Apparently it contains a vampire's vitality while he sleeps. Freddy, Cara? Adorable golden tressed little girl who wants to find vampire breath? And you guys aren't remotely suspicious? She might as well be carrying a physics textbook. Have neither of you seen Interview with the Vampire? The Littlest Vampire? Let the Right One In?

(Gwendolyn)

(Claudia from Interview with the Vampire.) I leave you to your own conclusions.

Adrian Monk, Dead and Tolerating It, shows up and grabs Cara, telling Freddy to give up the Vampire Breath or the cute preteen girl gets it. Freddy, who some time in the last two minutes must have found the Vamp Breath, refuses and tosses it.

Kirsten Dunst knockoff and the kids play keep away with the vampire breath. Till Claudia-lite grabs the vampire breath and vamps out. The kids are shocked. (Sadako steadfastly refuses to be even a little bit surprised till it's revealed that not only is she a vampire but she's also a castrated boy.)

Count Brimley and Claudia-lite struggle over the bottle as Freddy and Cara flee.

Nightwing gets the bottle, renews his essence, and starts to look kind of good. Like Bela Lugosi before his morphine addicted, hanging out with Ed Wood phase.

Yeah, if you put this pic up on V-Harmony, Nightwing, you wouldn't be peeling your garlic clove alone for once.

The kids make it home, somehow, with the Count at their heels. Their parents are home. "My baby girl!" Nightwing enthuses when he sees Cara and Freddy's mom. There's a warm embrace. Turns out he's their grandpa who's been asleep for years and they never thought to go look for him. (Man, why didn't Brook Astor's son just use that excuse when they asked why his mother was wandering around the basement of their enormous estate smelling like urine and dog?)

Well, they'll have fun reminiscing over the time Grandpa referred to Cara's "sweet, delicate bouquet" and then tried to 86 the kids. Kind of like family reunions at Roman Grant's compound.

Oh, and the whole family is made up of vampires, and the kids will become vampires when they become teens. A few minutes later, their fangs grow in and the vampirism is complete.

Here's where I turn to R.L. "Since when can you inherit vampirism?" "I thought about doing monsters or werewolves but we already had plastic fangs from the Count Chocula cereal that we eat on set. Count Chocula was our vampire consultant." Of course he was.

Also, wouldn't they have noticed their parents never leaving the house after dark? Or sparkling, or something?

Dad tells the kids there's a surprise in their room.

Coffin bunk beds! Every preteen girl with a Living Dead Doll, an Emily the Strange collection, and an Edward Cullen action figure just came a little.

The kids go to sleep in their bunk beds. How incredibly creepy. They're thirteen year olds of different sex sharing a room? What happens when Freddy's nocturnal emissions seep through the coffin into Cara's?

Also, why are they going to sleep at night?

Just as pretty much everyone with an opinion and an African American Studies degree made some petty criticism of The Princess and the Frog for its portrayal of a black princess, and just as disabled activists everywhere put out a hit on Abigail Breslin for playing Helen Keller without being blind or deaf, I expect every card carrying member of the Vampire Defamation League to condemn this movie for its inaccurate and frankly downright offensive portrayal of vampires. And what's with putting pale make up and fangs on Normies to have them play vamps when there are plenty of out of work real vampires?

Conclusions: this was truly heinous. But it's still about a thousand times better than a Francesca Lia Block book about vampires I reviewed on my other blog last week.

Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue!

2009-11-03T16:00:00.007-05:00

And now for something at least a little different. Sorry for those of you who wanted a Goosebumps or Are You Afraid of the Dark? recap--but those are still to come.

What do your favorite cartoon stars from the 80s do in their spare time? Why, they run around figuring out why piggy banks are stolen, try to bogart your joint, and essentially ruin your good time. In 1990, McDonald's produced Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue--basically a thirty minute long PSA starring lovable cartoon characters like the Smurfs, the Ninja Turtles, Winnie the Pooh, Garfield, the Chipmunks, and Alf. Yes...Alf. When a little girl named Cory has to deal with her brother Michael doing marijuana, it's up to the cartoons to help.

It starts as Papa Smurf sounds an alarm when Michael steals Cory's piggy bank for pot money. Uh, Papa Smurf?

Last I checked you guys were thinly veiled Communist promoters. Please. Don't tell me you're not secretly cackling at Michael's socialist spirit and his knowledge of property being theft.

A bunch of other cartoon characters come out of the woodwork from various places to try to warn Cory what's going on. They sneak after her into Michael's room when she confronts him about stealing her piggy bank, which he's smashed open for drug money. The chipmunks huddle under the bed, noticing a metal box. They wonder what's inside.

Simon says, "I hate to suggest this but my guess would be marijuana. An unlawful substance used to experience artificial highs." My guess would have been a carrying case for his diary that would later be published by one Beatrice Sparks as an anti drug screed for generations, but maybe I've been reading too much Go Ask Alice.

The cartoon characters decide to spring into action.

Later, at the video arcade, Michael smokes pot with his drug buddies. The smoke turns into what's supposed to be a creepy looking pot associated villain named Smoke (but in actuality looks like a rip off of Hexxus from Fern Gully). Bad animators!

Smoke encourages Michael to try as many new drugs as possible. The po-po's show up and Michael's friends run off.

But the cop is really just Bugs Bunny in lecture mode who yells at Michael. Michael's all, "There's nothing you can teach me that I can't learn from Mr. Hathaway," but Bugs is having none of it.

Meanwhile, back at home, Michael and Cory's parents are in the kitchen. His dad asks his mother why two beers are missing from the fridge.

She replies that he must have had them when he was watching the football game. You know, when Green Bay lost and that dumb bitch forgot to buy the right kind of hot wings sauce and you had to hurl the bottles at her. Luckily, it was just Coors Lite, so all was fine. Oops, wrong PSA!

Cory ponders telling her parents that something's wrong, but decides against it.

Back to Bugs Bunny who takes Michael in a time machine. Flashback time! Michael two years ago, pre-drugs. He runs into some skeevy looking kids and gets peer pressured into smoking pot.

Bugs Bunny asks if he'd jump off a cliff if everyone else was doing it. "Milhouse is jumping off a cliff?!" I scream. Er, yeah. Bugs Bunny gives Michael a speech on believing in yourself and how we've all got problems but some of us deal with them. Chuck Jones, you were alive for this travesty. How the hell did you let this happen?

Later, Michael smokes pot with his friends who talk about doing crack. Love that huge Blossom hat and gigantic earrings and permed blonde hair that the girl is sporting. It's like someone melded Claudia Kishi and Stacey McGill into one and made her into an animated pot smoker (does that mean she's part Dawn Schafer?). The kids ask Michael for his money to use to buy crack and he's reluctant, understandably. (That stuff's okay for catching fish, sure, but soon you need stronger and stronger bait.)

The girl and the Hexxus knock off grab Michael's wallet and run off. No! Your bar mitzvah money! What would the Rabbi Boteach say if he could see you now? Michael chases her down, and then Michelangelo intervenes by uncovering a manhole.

Michael falls into the sewer and Michelangelo lectures him on not looking where you're going. We're going to get an anti-pot lecture from the ninja turtle who talked Leonardo into going above ground at 3 A.M. last weekend to look for the lone Pizza Hut in Manhattan because, "Dude, Domino's will NOT satisfy this craving"? It's like the time Sasha Baron Cohen tried to give me a lesson on not bringing hookers and feces to Tavern on the Green.

Next! A trip through the human brain, with Piggy and Kermit. The Muppet Babies show Michael how horrid his brain looks because of drugs. Oh, please, Kermit, your brain probably looks like swiss cheese by now considering all the erotic asphyxiation Piggy's put you through by now.

Huey, Dewey and Louie show up to give their iteration of, "Drug'sre bad, mkay? If you do drugs...yer bad."

Uh, guys, isn't it about time for you to hit up your Cigar Smokers Anonymous meeting? Don't think I don't remember the time you guys bought Uncle Donald a box of cigars and he thought you were guys were experimenting and he made you smoke the whole box.

Then there's a totally gratuitous song and dance number involving all the cartoon characters. And I cringe for the voice actors. There's no worse gig than singing about saying no to drugs for Cartoon All-Stars. None. Not even if you're a phone sex operator whose customer on the line wants you to pretend to be a golden showers loving Tinky Winky.

Michael wakes up on his bed. What a trip! Cory comes into the room and asks him to tell Mom and Dad about his problems. He refuses and grabs her wrist, shoving her against the wall. "Don't ask me about my business, Cory!" Michael warns her.

She leaves. But she comes back later after Michael's left, thinking that she should take the drugs to be like her brother. Hexxus lite tempts her, and she ponders going for it.

Meanwhile, Alf takes Michael through a funhouse/amusement park. Daffy Duck as a fortune teller shows Michael his future on drugs. "It...it's me!"

This is a shot of you right before you OD. But on the plus side, your death will result in Dr. Conrad Murray going to jail, in your record sales sky rocketing, and the documentary based on your last performance being sold out everywhere.

Michael realizes the truth. He walks back to his bedroom to see Cory about to do the drugs and he screams at her to stop. If only Amy Winehouse had had a cute animated older brother.

Michael decides to stop doing the drugs and hurls Hexxus, Jr. out the window. Then it's off to confess everything to Mom and Dad and hopefully get an all expense paid trip to the Betty Ford Clinic.

Musings on the episode. Am I the only one disappointed at a lack of Captain Planet in this episode? I've got a drug induced withdrawal fever and the only cure is more "HEART!"

Also, did Michael ever get his wallet back?

Cartoon characters who were asked to participate in Cartoon All-Stars but couldn't go through with it:

Jonny Quest

Ever since Hadji turned the sahib onto the ganja, he just can't do drug specials with a straight face.

Fritz the Cat

Yeah, no R. Crumb creation could possibly do an anti drug PSA. Why was he even asked? Oh, some dumbass confused "Fritz" with "Felix" and he got an invite. (Hey, it's not as bad as the time Devil Girl got an invite to the Georgia Fathers and Daughters Purity Ball of America and didn't turn it down.)

Cookie Monster

Well, he has become more moderate with age. But the catch phrase "MARIJUANA IS A SOMETIMES DRUG!" and his exhortations that kids should smoke up only after they've done their homework just wasn't anti drug enough.

Lisa Simpson

Sure, she was a do gooder and relentlessly into socially just causes even as early as 1990. But her solution of how we should discourage kids from lighting up while still keeping marijuana plants around to use the hemp for cheap, non-sweat shop produced clothing instead of burning every pot plant, anything that looks like a pot plant, and anything that has touched a pot plant made her unpopular at the network.

Goosebumps: Ghost Beach

2009-10-24T17:00:00.001-04:00

Siblings Jerry and Terry Sadler are visiting their elderly second cousins once removed, Brad and Agatha Sadler. We open on the kids hanging out in a graveyard. Terri's doing some etchings of grave stones when some creepy kids surprise them. Their names are Louisa and Sam Sadler. Seems almost everyone in this town is a Sadler and they're all probably related. (Ooh, edgy--Stine, are you going to pull a V.C. Andrews on me?)

Louisa's sort of cute but Sam's so ginger, he must be a soulless demon. Can that be the twist, please?

The kids look at the grave of a guy called Harrison Sadler, and Louisa and Sam try to tell the others that the ghost of Mr. Sadler haunts the beach and lives in a spooky old cave. Jerri and Terri scoff and the others leave.

Terri and Jerry have dinner with Brad and Agatha that night. They try to tell Bragatha about meeting Sam and Louisa, and ask if they're related. The pair is visibly shaken and tells the kids that if they are, it's very distantly. Brad gets up and says he's got some reading to do. "I'll help," says Agatha. Yeah, that's not suspicious at all.

While Bragatha pore over their worn copy of "Reading for Dummies," Terri and Jerry shrug. The next day, they head for the beach. Jerry wants to look for the cave when Harrison Sadler lives but Terri's having fun looking for different kinds of seaweed. You guys both need better hobbies. May I suggest collecting scabs that look like St. Francis of Assisi, learning how to say a Bar Mitzvah blessing in Klingon, and determining the third word that ends in -gry.

Jerry trips over something and screams so girlishly that I half expect Macauley Culkin to step in and invite him to Screams 101.

It is the spitting image of the plasticine dinosaur model that I made in sixth grade as part of our biology project. Except I espoused the "Don't ask me, I'm just a girl" viewpoint of science and let my lab partner, the undiagnosed autistic child who lived in a world of his own, do all the work. That's my excuse for why my model looked so crappy--what's yours, R.L.?

Jerry and Terri wonder what it is. A raccoon maybe? Or perhaps this is the original Montauk Monster. Louisa and Sam pop up out of nowhere to proclaim that it's a dog skeleton. They explain that the ghost of Harrison Sadler killed and ate it. Ghost hate dogs because they know if someone's a ghost. (R.L.? Please tell me you were on some very expensive and obscure drugs when you came with dog-eating ghosts. The scary part is he was stone cold sober.)

These ghosts must be pretty soulless. Who looks at this and sees lunch?
I see at most an appetizer.

Louisa points up to the cave and says that the ghost has lived there for hundreds of years. They have never seen him but they've seen the flickering lights and dog bones. Wouldn't a simpler solution be that a Little Korea shantytown has developed in the cave? Lights start flickering in the cave, but Terri and Jerry show skepticism that's less characteristic of Goosebumps protagonists (and more characteristic of say...Are You Afraid of the Dark? or Ghostwriter kids) by dismissing these wild stories. Louisa and Sam look disappointed.

Later that night at dinner, Bragatha try to tell them the lights in the cave were aurora borealis. "It was the middle of the day--" Jerry pipes up. But Brad is having none of this logic and reason talk and tells them not go to the cave.

That night, the kids sneak out of the house for no real reason to go to the cave. They head in and see some fake bats. ("Come on, R.L., that was the best you could do?" "We used up all our budget shooting on location on a real beach! It was either this or use my son Matt's kiddie pool." "Oh." "And we already shot Deep Trouble there!")

Then they see a creepy looking man named Harrison Sadler who scares them. He tells them they shouldn't get involved with ghosts. (Man, tell that to Demi Moore and Lydia Deitz.) Then he tells them that despite what they think, he isn't a ghost. Simple mistake. It's easy to confuse British people with dead people. (Wait--no. That's Brits and gay people.) He says that the gravestone that said Harrison Sadler was just one of his ancestors.

He explains that Louisa and Sam are ghosts. They, along with their family and a bunch of other expatriates, emigrated to the New World but died of cold and starvation. Aw, poor, dumb, pre-Oregon Trail children. Didn't even have the sense to follow in the footsteps of the Donners or those people in Alive!.

Harrison Sadler says he's safe in the cave but can't leave. He tells the children that Sam and Louisa are evil. Jerry and Terri are understandably reluctant to believe him, so Harrison tells them to go to the graveyard and that they'll find their answer there. So the kids head to the graveyard and see...

That R.L. Stine totally cribbed the gravestones from Beetlejuice! I hope Tim Burton sues.

Oh, right, the kids are dead. Meh. Are You Afraid of the Dark? already did it, Stine! Plus, since Harrison Sadler just explained that his own gravestone was there because he's named after an ancestor, isn't there a fairly plausible explanation for this?

Then Sam and Louisa pop up, inexplicably wearing matching hoodies. Terri and Jerry explain what the ghost told them. Predictably, Louisa and Sam say that the gravestones are just ancestors of theirs, and that they need to stop the ghost by sealing him up in his cave. "But he's a ghost, can't he float through?" asks Jerry. Sam tells him that the cave is some kind of sanctuary that seals up evil. Jerry, I take back what I said about your strong skepticism. You're starting to make Marcia Clark look like a take no prisoners interrogator.

"You have to attack him before he attacks you!" says Louisa. No, that's Shark Bites and it's eat them before they eat you, but nice try, honey. Louisa and Sam explain that they haven't stopped the ghost because if they fail, he'll come after them. Oh, well, okay then.

So it's up to Jerry and Terri to go after the ghost and shut him up in the cave on their own.

"Use teamwork!" Louisa tells them.

Lightning crashes and Harrison appears. He thanks Jerry and Terri for bringing the ghosts to him. Harrison whistles and a Rottweiller appears.

("He's the adopted great great grand nephew of the dog in The Omen," Stine proclaimed proudly. "Aw, that's--wait, adopted?")

The dog growls at the kids, which means they're ghosts. Because dogs always know when someone's a ghost and start flipping out. Does that mean that Cujo was basically the canine version of that Sixth Sense kid? So Harrison was right. Louisa and Sam cry that they never had a chance to live, that they died during that first winter here on the beach.

During this heartfelt monologue, I pull Stine aside. "If they're ghosts of 17th century kids, why are they dressed like they stepped off a Gap commercial shoot?" "Well, the thing with that is--" "And if they came over from England, shouldn't they have accents like Harrison? Did they take speech lessons in addition to shopping at Old Navy?" Then I bit into the Monster Blood laced brownies that R.L. baked up in his lab and fell fast asleep.

By the way, the kids suddenly inexplicably change into Crypt Keeper types ghoulies when they're revealed as ghosts, but the version I have on youtube edited that out, so we can't snark that directly.

Lightning strikes and the rocks collapse.

When the kids look up, no one's there. They look around in awe. If I know my 90s kids shows, that's the cue for one of the kids to make a cutesy wise crack. True to form, Terri pipes up with, "Next time you see me sleeping, don't wake me up." Wait, that's IT? Come on, I can do better with one brain lobe tied behind my back. How about, "Man, life's a beach!" or "Jerry, is this a happy ending or a sad ending?" "It's just an ending, okay?"

Hey, wait a minute. Harrison Sadler died, too? Even though he wasn't a ghost and was in fact more or less a good guy? Lame. This cave is so the ghost equivalent of Guantanamo Bay.

The kids head back to Bragatha's place and tell them what happened. No one seems all that shocked to learn that ghosts exist and that an innocent old hermit just died, so either the Valium and old people medicine has taken effect or those mail order correspondence courses don't cut it for acting lessons. Then there's scratching at the door and the Rottweiler enters. He starts growling and whining at Brad and Agatha. "Looks like our secret's out," says Brad. Agatha puts on her apron--turns out that on tonight's menu is dog fried dog.

Man, they are what to cute old people what Every Breath You Take is to romantic love songs. But you know what, considering that last night's fare was Mrs. Lovett's meat pies, I'm up for anything.

I could say that this episode sucked in terms of plotting, acting, and dialogue, but I won't. Instead, I'll put a positive spin on it.

Here's where it excels.

Crappy lightning effects: A
Promoting negative stereotypes of the elderly: B+
Dogs who can outact people: A+

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Thirteenth Floor

2009-10-06T20:30:00.000-04:00

There's an incredibly lame intro to this story by David, Betty Ann, and Kristen who hold flashlights under their chins and talk about about how you think you know a person, but they might really be a stranger. (Hey, beats the alternative--Betty Ann talking about how her nice neighbor ended up molesting her when she was five. Lesson there--if someone tells you that you can be the next Dora the Explorer, DON'T LISTEN.)

Betty Ann calls this story:

Billy and Karin are siblings who live on the twelfth floor of their building. They go up to the empty thirteenth floor to play because no one lives there. Today, the elevator guy, Guys, lets them up, telling them that he doesn't like them to play up there because it makes him uneasy.

The kids play hockey. Karin whines about how she's terrible at sports, probably because she's adopted. She wonders about her birth family, and Billy tells her to stop blaming her bad playing on the fact that she was adopted.

They decide to head down. When the elevator comes, Gus isn't there.

It's a guy called Leonid. Jesus, is Vice Magazine doing their photo shoot in kids' shows now? Leonid tells Billy and Karin that Gus has been called away. They decide to take the stairs instead. (Which they should have been doing anyway--they live one floor down! Grumble, grumble, obesity epidemic.)

That night, Karin sleeps while the TV in her room comes on. She wakes up and sees a guy talking to her through the TV, telling her it's time for a little visit. She thinks she's dreaming. Next day she gets a letter saying that there's a toy factory on the thirteenth floor, asking her to come up and test some toys. She can come any time the next day. She's a little reluctant, but that night she has another dream with the same guy begging her to come.

So Karin and Billy go up to the toy factory. They go inside. And it's basically the Fireworks, Candy and Puppy dog store. The kids are impressed--this place is FAO Schwartz on steroids.

Aww, I want free samples from this place even more than I did during that school trip to the veal farm!

A woman with a layered red bob and lots of eye make up introduces herself as Olga.

But I always thought you could tell someone was an alien because of said heavy eye make up and slanty eyebrows, not painfully hip hairdos--you lied, Gene Rodenberry! And, uh, oops, I did it again, I gave away the ending. Okay, I'm resigned--I am The Spoilerer. I can live with that. These people aren't pedophiles--they're aliens, Bruce Willis and Nicole Kidman were dead all along, and Hell is other people.

Olga tells Karin that it was nice of her to bring her brother but he won't be needed, and tells Billy he can leave his young sister in the company of strangers. Billy, having more sense than god gave a mule (and, apparently, Samantha Geimar's mother) insists on staying with her.

Olga introduces the kids to Raymond, the technician, who looks at her and says that he thought there was only meant to be one kid.

Olga explains that they have to deal with both the kids. So Raymond shows them both a fun game with buttons and lights and tells them to play. They both sit down and at first, Billy starts beating the crap out of his sister. But this is the nineties and it's not PC for a boy to trounce a girl at anything--unless he's a black, bespectacled dwarf who sits in a wheelchair and talks via a Stephen Hawking computer. So I expect a thrilling upset victory from Karin.

Karin starts winning and Billy congratulates her on getting the hang of it. Raymond adjusts something at the computer (we later learn he's changing the atmosphere) and Billy says he feels tired as Karin continues to win. (Oh, it's the Billie Jean King/Bobby Rigg match all over again.)

Raymond tells Karin to come with him while Billy continues practicing. Raymond straps Karin into an amusement park type chair and shows her a small ball about ten feet away. He asks her to try moving it.

To her shock, she can! Telepathy lessons. Man, if they'd had that back when Carrie White was alive, Chamberlain, Maine would still be a vibrant, buzzing town, and Stephen King would have no career.

Beween this and Alex Mack, I was so disappointed when I never got powers of my own. And I had a few Miss Trunchbull esque teachers who needed to be taken down a peg or eight.

Then Raymond takes off his face mask and presses a button and she begins to ascend in her strapped in chair. She screams in horror. And above her, she sees grey aliens reaching out for her.

Understandably unnerved, Karin uses her telepathy to push a few buttons and come down. And whatever she pressed makes Raymond freeze up. Seems that despite his technological prowess, he's not the Scotty of the group, but rather the Data. "Whatever you did to me, thanks!" she says.

Billy's still slumped over and won't wake up, so Karin tells him she'll come back with help. She runs off.

Olga comes in and switches Raymond the (dangerously un)Paranoid Android on, telling him they need to get Karin to the ship by six which is their time of departure. Olga looks at Billy and says, "Such poor specimens, these earth children," which is pretty much what Angelina Jolie says in her head each time someone asks if she'll adopt an American kid this time instead.

The aliens chase Karin all around the Fireworks, Candy, and Grey Aliens factory. She finally gets out by finding a remote control that powers Raymond the Android. Raymond and Olga try to stop her, and she points the remote at Raymond telling him to "Hold Olga." With her arm around Billy, she manages to get him to the elevator.

But Lenoid stops her, telling her she should come with them to outer space, how great space is and how you can fly like a bird and go to other worlds. But Karin tells him she won't abandon her brother and she leaves. Surprisingly, Leonid doesn't force her to go.

Finally back in Karin's room, Olga appears on the TV screen telling Karin that this was supposed to be her rescue.

Olga and Leonid are Karin's parents. They left Karin on this planet by mistake ten years ago. when they were visiting. Despite the fact that they seem to be more highly evolved than earthlings, their ability to do a headcount is fairly compromised. (Though let's face it--I think we humans and aliens alike are equally bad at that, from E.T. and his ilk to Kevin McCallister's clan.) Olga says that now it's too late and they'll have to wait another ten years before they can return for her. Billy eye rolls, asking what she's talking about and then turns to Karin, only to see...

He shrieks and runs off.

This moment creeped me out so much. And not just me. Based on blog posts, TV Tropes, and talking to people, pretty much everyone my age who saw this episode as a kid is refusing to adopt when they get older. Between this episode and The Orphan, the number of cute white girls getting adopted is going to be decimated in about ten years.

Goosebumps: How to Kill a Monster

2009-10-01T12:30:00.001-04:00

Gretchen and Clark's parents have just gotten married and are off on their honeymoon, leaving their new stepchildren to stay with Gretchen's grandparents in the bayou during their adjustment period. Parenting at its finest. Gretchen and Clark are off to a rocky start already, too, what with their constant bickering. Hey, kids, want to truly piss off your parents? Make like Josh and Cher from Clueless and I foresee a really awesomely dysfunctional transition period. It's like I always say--incest is best.

The kids enter a house decorated in taxidermy. But no old people are to be found. Upstairs, they open a door to a closet when suddenly they're greeted by Gretchen's grandma. As she escorts them downstairs for gumbo, the camera pulls back to see...something under a sheet. Uh, Grandma, you might want to close the door.

Next scene. Gumbo.

Clark's having a hard time eating his gumbo because it's so spicy. He comments that this doesn't taste like any chicken he's ever eaten. A man in coveralls that don't quite cover all enters and tells them that it ain't chicken--it's gator!

Gretchen says hi to her grandpa who grins and says he didn't recognize his lil Gretchen. Grandpa tastes Clark's gumbo and adds more hot sauce. Heh. Then again, I can't find fault with Clark's inability to eat hot sauce. I myself choose the mildest salsa at Chipotle. Yes, Chipotle.

There's a horrible noise, and the kids ask what it is. "That was...swamp gas," grins Grandpaw. At this point, the prospect of there being no monster is a lot more frightening. Here's hoping you guys packed Depends and a shitload (so to speak) of Metamucil.

That night, Gretchen wakes up and goes to get a glass of water. She's curious about the closet, though, so she starts to open it. Grandpaw and Grandmaw appear and tell her it's just a storage closet, and she asks if she and Clark can go organize it tomorrow. (Or at the very least, make it preteen girl friendly with a lot of elbow grease and some Lisa Frank stickers.) Grandmaw tells her it's dangerous and things could fall on her.

Yeah, that's not suspicious at all. Honestly--when it comes to keeping nasty little family secrets, Grandma and Grandpaw need to take Philip Garrido's Correspondence Course.

Next day, Clark scares Gretchen by dressing up as an alligator. She freaks out and he runs off giggling. She tries to find him and then nearly falls down--turns out that the hallway is unfinished and the floorboards just end at one point. (Uh, wouldn't she have noticed this when she was DOWNSTAIRS? What kind of crazy house is this?) Gretchen turns on the light and looks around. She uncovers a white sheet and sees a monster lying there. She shrieks and hits the bulb which dangles around.

I see what you did, there, Stine. (I was about to congratulate him for having great taste by referencing Psycho--a film that I myself adore--but when I asked him his favorite character in the movie, he replied, "The one played by Vince Vaughan.")

Side note. I think it's hella odd that the monster is covered by a blanket. Does Grandpaw sneak in and tuck in lil Godzooky every night? Anyway, Gretchen backs out and sees Clark. She tries to tell him what's going on but he won't believe her and he goes inside the closet. He screams, but it's a fake out. There's nothing in there when they go in. Then the two of them go to the window, hearing something. Grandmaw and Grandpaw have driven off and left them unsupervised in a closet. Seriously, Grandmaw, have you never heard of a little thing called Flowers in the Attic? Or at the very least--R. Kelley?

Gretchen and Clark hear a noise and turn around.

They run out, locking the door, but the monster breaks through. (Why now?) Gretchen figures that they can use the ending hallway to make the monster fall and plummet to its death. They run and grab onto the railing and the monster falls.

Clark and Gretchen go downstairs, talking about how they're going to get out of here. Clark wants to go home to the city where the monsters are all human. But it turns out they're locked in. Gretchen says they'll have to go out a window or something and Clark points out there are no windows.

Then they see a letter from the grandparents. It reads that they needed to go into town on a special errand and to stay out of the storage room. Gretchen thinks that her Grandpaw must have thought he killed it when he was out hunting and brought it back...only for it to revive.

Just then, the monster appears. Turns out it was only mostly dead. Damn. Gretchen and Clark slam the door shut and put a bunch of horrifying chemicals in Grandmaw's gumbo. Then they hide and wait for the monster to eat it. It digs in as Clark sarcastically says to Gretchen that, "Great, it LIKES it." Monster likes it!

Binge, monster, binge! Binge like Blair Waldorf on some Godivas, after a wait list letter from Yale and finding out that Nate's fucking Serena again!

The monster falls over dead, and the kids head for the cellar to go out the coal shoot. Clark starts arguing that it probably won't work, and the two get into fight...and suddenly, the monster's back. Clark helps Gretchen up into the coal shoot but the monster tries to attack him. He sticks his fist down its throat and it looks floored and backs off. Okay, I turn to Stine and tell him that this is genuinely scary. But Stine just looks pissed.

"Um, you know my son Matt was on set that week. And we're STILL paying the psychiatrist bills." For a second I think he means his kid was traumatized for life until he tells me therapy started a few days later when he found his kid in the bathroom with a lot of lube, a couple of monster magazines, a how to guide entitled "Fist Your Way to Glory," and a photograph that can only be described as Goatse-illa.

Back to the episode. The monster sneezes and falls over. "Is it really dead this time?" Ah, budding skeptics. You guys will be snopes.com ready in a matter of weeks. To answer your question, yes. Yes it is. The monster explodes covering the two kids with monster goo.

Next scene, the kids have left M.C. Escher's House of Taxidermy and are strolling through the swamp. Gretchen figures out that the monster must have been allergic to Clark. The kids start apologizing for all the arguing they did earlier and decide they make a good team. Nothing like battling a monster and dealing with demented old relatives to restore family unity. (It's how Howard Hughes' two pugnacious grandkids finally settled their differences.) Clark asks Gretchen to check the letter from her grandparents to see if there's any more info. And here we have it--the twist!

According to the letter, there might be more monsters out in the swamp (presumably pissed that Grandpaw pulled an Elizabeth Smart on their monster), so don't go out after dark. All of a sudden, it gets dark and the kids look scared.

Okay, can the REAL twist be that PETA, pissed at Clark and Gretchen for killing a poor defenseless swamp sea kitten, is going to bring a class action lawsuit against them?

Goosebumps: The Girl Who Cried Monster

2009-09-24T16:00:00.003-04:00

Before we begin, R.L. and I want to make a special announcement. This episode may be a little bit dark for some viewers. It's about a young girl who sees an older man in a position of authority over her doing something. And when she tries to tell, not even her parents believe her. It also concerns the "M" word. I'm talking of course about monsters.

Lucy Dark is obsessed with monsters. When the episode opens, she's telling her little brother a story about the toe-biter monster. She finishes by sticking her toes in the mud and then screaming that all her toes were bitten off by the toe-biter.

Randy freaks out and runs inside. Mother Dark tells her daughter not to tell silly monster stories. Besides, it's time for Lucy to go to the library for the reading program. She heads over with her best friend, Aaron. At the library, creepy old Mr. Mortman the librarian asks Lucy what book she read this week. She said she read Black Beauty and that it was boring because it should have had more monsters. (Or it should have been the kind of book you can buy on the side of the street in Harlem and featured a shirtless, glistening Seal look-alike on the cover.)

Lucy chooses Frankenstein as her next book and Mortman says that that's also a classic, like Black Beauty, and is she sure she'll like it? (I'm with Mortman--Classics aren't that scary. The most frightening reading experience I had was when I read my last Goosebumps book, The Beast from the East as a child, the twist being that I'd wasted my childhood and had nothing to show for it other than an in depth knowledge of every outfit that looked good on Claudia but terrible on everyone else.)

When Lucy and Aaron leave the library, she mentions how creepy Mortman was and how the book was dripping wet when he handed it back to her. Nasty. But at least your creepy old vaguely molestery guy works at the library and not at the pizza shop like in my hometown. Now that's-ah a soggy-ah meatball!

Lucy realizes she forgot her roller blades at the 'brary and heads back inside while Aaron leaves. She spies on Mortman and sees him feeding flies to his pet spiders. She watches him shovel flies into his mouth and then morph into a monster. She gapes.

Lucy runs home and tells her parents that the middle aged unmarried male librarian unleashed his two-eyed monster to her. They think she's making up stories. (Say what you like about girls who tell outlandish stories--if I were standing in B&N looking for memoirs about weird experiences, I'd buy Lucy Dark's book way before buying Kathryn Harrison's or Mackenzie Phillip's.)

Lucy's dad says that he had hoped this monster thing was just a phase she was going through. Lucy emos, "LIFE is just a phase I'm going through." (Hide the razor blades and the dark eyeliner, folks.) Also, the smug smile on R.L. Stine's face that had appeared when he thought he was going to get the Judy Blume Award for Understanding the Psyche of the Adolescent Girl disappears when I break out into laughter.

Later, Lucy phones her friend Aaron and tells him about her plan. She's going to take a picture of Mortman as a monster and win James Randi's money. Also, prove to her parents that she wasn't lying.

Next scene, at the library, Mortman and Lucy discuss Frankenstein. "Didn't you think that the monster was the most sympathetic character in the story?" Don't fall for it, Lucy! This is just like the time my high school English tutor asked me if I thought Humbert Humbert was the most sympathetic character in all of literary history and then slipped me a lifetime membership card to NAMBLA. "Perhaps we all have a little monster in us, Lucy," he says. Uh, no, Mortman, I don't want a little monster in me, and don't try and tell me how you'd try and rearrange the alphabet to make "U" and "I" right next to each other.

Lucy pretends to leave and then hides in the library again. She watches Mortman eat spiders this time and takes a picture of him. But he sees the flash going off and tries to find her as she hides. She runs away but he's seen her and yells for her to come back. Also, the Internet starts to blaze with indignation as every Feministing, Jezebel, and Salon.com Broadsheet commenter races to condemn Lucy for photograhing Mortman without his consent. (Sadako: "But he's a MONSTER." Average Commenter: "He got photographed without his consent! And lied about other monsters. She has nothing to be proud of. What a disgrace.")

Back at home, she locks the door. But Mortman shows up on the porch asking if he can come inside. Lucy tells him that her parents aren't home. Then she realizes what she said, and this whole segment turns into an anti strangers PSA from the early 90s. "I mean, they'll be home any minute...I mean, they're in the bathroom. Mom, is dad still cleaning his rifles?" Mortman mentions that she left her backpack at the library, and she tells him to just leave it on the doorstep. Pedo-Bear gets the message and goes.

Okay, R.L., I take back the snark--this truly will haunt my dreams, no jokes. And as for you, Mr. Mortman, sitting backwards in chairs is the way to reach out to the kids. Not smiling creepily. Now I'm going to give you to the count of ten, to get your ugly, grey, no good sweater vest off my property, before I pump your guts full of lead. See, Lucy? You have to be firm.

When her parents come home, Lucy tries to tell them about how Mortman came over to drop off her backpack. They think it's nice of him to go out of his way to do that. Yeah, and it was really nice of wacky old Arnold Friedman to give all those computer lessons to supple pubescent boys in the 80s. But Lucy really wants to get to the crime lab to get these photos developed.

So, her parents take her to the mall so they can go to the One Hour Photo. Coincidentally, Mr. Mortman is here. I bet he's here because he wants to go next door to the video store to get Monsters, Inc. and then go home and write X-rated fanfic with him as Sully and Lucy as Boo.

"Quite the little photographer, aren't you?" he asks Lucy. He looks all huffy, like a bicurious girl who went wild in Cancun confronting Joe Francis, along with her rich daddy's tax lawyer. For the record, though, the photos Lucy took show everything in the shot except Mr. Mortman. Because monsters don't show up on film.

I turn to R.L. "That's the best you could do to resolve this plot point? Monsters don't show up on film?! Besides, I seem to remember monsters photographing plenty well in the Abominable Snowman of Pasadena, book 38 of Goosebumps, and in One Day at Horrorland--" And that's when the chloroform kicked in. I admit, I push him too far at times. Okay, okay, on my list of Photography Don'ts, I'll add the monster rule, along with "Don't violate the rule of thirds," and "Out of focus shots of disembodied breasts are not great art even if they are in black and white."

Next, Lucy's parents interrupt and tell Mr. Mortman what a great librarian he is and could he come to dinner that night? He agrees.

That night, Mortman shows up. He asks what they're having for dinner and Lucy's dad says, "It's funny you should ask, but...you." Then the Darks grow fangs and there's a cutaway to what looks like a Nature program clip of rattlesnake going for a hipppo (with a grey cardigan and glasses photoshopped onto him) and when we come back, Mortman's been eaten.

The parents explain that, of course, the Darks are all monsters and that when they're older, Lucy and Randy will grow fangs of their own. So why'd they kill Mortman if he's one of them? Because there's only room in town for one set of monsters. It's the same reason Beth Ditto, Amy Winehouse, and Keith Richards rarely headline shows together.

Then there's something at the window that looks vaguely monstrous and the parents get ready to kill again. But it's just best friend Aaron wearing a rubber monster mask. They tell him dinner's over but dessert is still to come. When he asks what it is, they say, "You..." Pause. "...Like cherry pie?" Can the twist be that they're offering up the hymen of their nubile young daughter?

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Midnight Ride

2009-09-07T12:00:00.001-04:00

The Midnight Society has had to say good-bye to both David and Kristen, what with their families moving and Kristen needing to go method act by studying Alicia Silverstone's every move to prepare for her role as the smaller screen version of Cher Horowitz. So we have room for two more. Gary brings his little brother Tucker to be the newest member because his parents are making him. The rule is that each prospective member has to tell a story, and if it doesn't suck (or features a cool teen celebrity like Melissa Joan Hart or the Mowry twins), they're in. Of course, since nepotism is the rule of the day, Tucker's audition makes about as much sense as that one lone producer asking Ashlee Simpson if she knew what the key of C was (to be fair, it was his first day).

Frank, Kiki, and Betty Ann are skeptical that Tucker will do a good job but apparently they have no choice. So Tucker calls his story the Tale of the Midnight Ride. (Apologies to Mr. Longfellow.)

It takes place in Sleepy Hollow. Oh, so the twist is you're not ripping off Longfellow, but Washington Irving? Tucker tells us the story of how a Hessian soldier got his head blown off by a cannon ball and so became the Headless Horsemen. Said horseman went on to haunt Ichabod Crane. Right off the bat you know that Tucker probably spent less time writing this and more time in the library with Cliff Notes. (Hey, who can blame Tucker? This was a golden age of TV for kids and he probably wanted to watch Power Rangers that night.)

Ian, our main character, is a dorky bookish type who's really into a pretty girl named Katie. Katie's being courted by the boorish Brad but she's really not that into him. Did you get that? Ian=Ichabod, Katie=Katrina, and Brad=Brom Bones. Oh, subtlety, thy name is Tucker. (And before you can self-righteously pipe up with, "The word is homage," no, Tucker. No, it's not. For anyone who's not a pretentious bohemian art student, it's "send-up," "spoof," or "allusion," but not, for the love of god, homage.)

There's a dance at school where Brad spends a lot of time hitting on Katie but she's more interested in dancing with Ian.

After all, they came in matching his and her three corner hats. When Ian tells Brad to get lost, the two take it outside.

Oh, Ian, I didn't know it was possible, but somehow you make the Cowardly Lion look as butch as a Tom o'Finland drawing. Instad of fighting, Brad tells Ian about the Legend of Sleepy Hollow, how Ichabod Crane took the wrong path and went deeper into the woods instead of across the bridge where the horseman couldn't get him. I wonder if this will be at all relevant later. You know, since we've only been told about Ichabod Crane twice. I think the real twist would be if Rip Van Winkle turned up passed out in the bathroom and the gang had to figure out whether to call 911 and risk not going to good universities, or dump him in the river and brave what insane hooked killers may come.

Brad tells Ian that he should go try to find the headless horseman's pumpkin at the bridge to prove he's brave. (I'm pretty sure that even if this story were based on real events, said pumpkin would be a rotting mess by now.) It's either that or a fight. So Ian goes.

At the bridge, he turns around and sees a headless fellow. Don't get too excited. We're less than halfway in, and if R.L. Stine and Caroline B. Cooney have taught me anything, you always reserve the real scares for three quarters through.

It's Brad in a headless get up. He's also surrounded by everyone who was at the dance who presumably came to laugh at him. Katie's there, too. If she knew what Brad was up to, why didn't she warn Ian?

Brad snaps his fingers and assumes Katie will come with him, but she stays with Ian and asks him to walk her home. He tells her it's the one thing that would make this night worthwhile and extends his elbow to her saying, "Take thee my muddy arm." (Please, please, please, don't ask her to grant you her dainty hoof in marriage, Ian, and we'll be cool.) As they head off, we pull back to see...

He's the real headless horseman. If the fact that he's on a horse didn't clue you in, the swirling fog and ominous music let you know for sure.

Then the two run into a guy in whiteface on a horse who tells them his name is Ichabod Crane and he's the new schoolmaster. Ichabod-ghost simpers, "I'm afraid I have lost my way in these wretched woods. Would you be so kind as to direct me to the bridge of souls?"

They tell him to take the left path in the fork in the road to get to the bridge. "Lucky thing," he responds, "I surely would have taken the right!"

(Note to whoever's playing Ichabod Crane. There's a difference between playing a role gay and playing it old-fashioned. And an even subtler distinction between gay and British but I guess the Joey Tribbiani School of Soap Opera Acting didn't cover that unit yet. I bet it was lessons like this that explain why he went on to such meaty roles as the voice of Mr. Ratburn on PBS's Arthur.)

Ian walks Katie home and then heads back to get his bike at the school. He realizes he forgot his key in his jacket and can't unlock the bike. Katie shows up with the jacket and key in hand. He says, "Come on, I'll ride you home." (Um, Ian? It's 1994--chivalry is dead and Ani DiFranco just did a tap dance on its grave. And also...ew.)

In the distance they see a shadow of the headless horseman. This time, he's actually on a horse and he's got a pumpkin for a head.

They eye roll, thinking it's Brad but they soon realize it's not...when the shadow comes out of the wall and materializes.

The kids run, realizing that their only hope is to get to the bridge because the horseman can't cross. They wonder what the horseman is doing. Shouldn't he be off terrorizing Ichabod Crane? But they realize that they messed up the story when they told Ichabod to take the left path, and now the horseman is after them.

Ian tells Katie the horseman can't get them both so they should split up. He proposes to distract the horseman while Katie runs for the bridge. But because this is the nineties and Katie has been reared on a steady diet of "Take Your Daughter to Work Day," American Girl dolls, Title IX, and RiotGrrl, she immediately says that she will distract the horseman. She runs off and Ian starts for the bridge. But Katie falls flat on her face and girls everywhere put down the Sleater Kinney CDs, burn the zines, and head to Victoria Secret for push-up bras.

Ian turns and runs for the bridge while Katie encourages him. The horseman chases Ian (passing up an incapacitated teenage girl? Well, I guess we know that's not the ghost of William Kennedy Smith running around) but disappears in flames as it tries to cross the bridge.

Why a fiery mass? Well, the FX crew really wanted to try out that insta-flame effect. Don't laugh. Back in Canada in '94, this was a big deal.

Katie makes sure Ian's okay. He's hanging from the edge of the bridge and he pops up saying, "And I thought this place was boring!" Zany understatements. Is there any kind of traumatic experience that they can't smooth over?

Ichabod Crane shows up again to scold the kids about staying out too late. (And not to yell at them for stealing his signature look?) They ask him what he's doing here, and he said he thinks he lost his way and should go back to the fork in the road and take the other way to set things straight. Gotta love literary characters who are resigned to their fates. Though I have to ask--how can you see the ghost of a fictional character?

I also have to smack Tucker with a copy of The Legend of Sleepy Hollow because if we're to believe this is a send-up of the original story, it makes zero sense. In the original, there was no actual ghost. Brom Bones (dressed as the headless horseman) was the one who got Ichabod. And no, Tucker, you don't have the excuse of, "But the movie said--" because that particular love note of Tim Burton to Johnny Depp doesn't come out for another four years.

Tucker finishes and looks around to see if he's in. Kiki's reaction: "That'll do, pig, that'll do." Betty Ann smiles warmly and tells him how awesome it was, and Frank, playing the Simon to Betty Ann's Paula, just warns Gary to keep Tucker out of his face. I'm with you, Frank, I haven't seen such desperate courting of the 7-10 demographic since the Planeteers took on that damned "Heart!" kid and his simian pal. Gary high fives Tucker and then as he puts out the fire, says to himself that he hopes he doesn't regret this, in the same tone of voice as Aaron Spelling when he finally decided to let Donna Martin pop her cherry.

Goosebumps: It Came From Beneath the Sink

2009-08-31T19:30:00.003-04:00

This weekend, R.L. Stine refused to return my calls or answer my e-mails. I guess I was a little hard on him when I snarked the Haunted Mask. How was I supposed to know it's considered the jewel in his crown? It wasn't until I twittered that I was spending the night reading Goosebumps books and crying that he agreed to come over and help me out with this next episode. (I also had to buy him some mole glitter and tell him that it's a shame that M. Night's lawyers never gave him anything more than some jujubes and a free Haley Joel Osment plastic mask in the settlement where he alleged that The Sixth Sense directly ripped off The Ghost Next Door.)

And I'm glad he came back because this episode stars Katharine Isabelle, one of Canada's leading ladies (yeah, I know, contradiction in terms), and the star of the Ginger Snaps trilogy.

Kat and her family have moved to a new house in their same town. Their dog Killer starts freaking out because of something under the sink. So Kat investigates. Upon seeing some glowing red eyes, she assumes, "Aw, kitty" and reaches in. You know, during our cave unit of fourth grade science class, the first thing I learned was not to just reach into a dark space without making sure I knew what I was looking for. (In my defense, how was I supposed to know that Mrs. McCormack wasn't really a Mrs. yet and that she got her jollies that way?)

Anyway, Kat reacts much the same way I did when she sees what it is. Yech.

The rest of the family thinks it's just an ordinary sponge. (Well, except Killer.) You know, call me crazy but I thought that sponges were square and came in bright soothing pastels, usually yellow. ("Oh, please," sneers R.L., "that unrealistic, unattainable image for sponges?" Yeah, turns out that SpongeBob is to real sponges as Kate Moss is to girls with love handles and a penchant for eating Taco Bell.)

A series of terrible things start happening. And by terrible, I mean Kat's dad breaks the family china and Kat sees the sponge and then drops a glass in the bathroom that her little brother steps on. (This was the lead-in for the sequel, The Tetanus Shot of Doom.) After Kat tries to explain how it's the sponge's fault, her mom screams at her.

Kat's mom, this is why you take a page from Kate Gosselin--don't allow your children water when they're being whiny and make sure your husband is only entrusted with soft, unbreakable things, like his spine and that deformed sextuplet.

The next day, Kat comes downstairs. Her brother teases her with, "Look out, paper towel with eyes!" (R.L. leaps up in excitement with his pen and yellow idea pad in hand till I remind him that he pitched that one to Scholastic as his first Fear Street book and they 86ed it.) Then it turns out that Killer is missing.

Kat goes out on her bike looking for Killer when her brakes fail and she gets into a crash. She comes home and Daniel and his friend, Carlos, ask about Killer. She couldn't find him. Kat thinks it's the sponge's fault. She suddenly leaps up as she sees it under the bike helmet. It glows, and the other two finally believe her.

Kat decides to get rid of it by burying it. Carlos tells her they should keep and study it, but Kat is having none of that. As it pulsates, she drops it.

I just have one question. A black kid named Carlos? Were you originally trying to fill your non-white quotient with a Hispanic kid but then forgot to change his name when you cast an African American child?

The next day, the lawn is in shambles.

Somewhere, Hank Hill dies a little inside.

Kat and Daniel dig up the sponge. Kat takes the sponge to school and asks her science teacher Ms. Vanderhoff about it.

"Garden variety kitchen sponge by the look of it," says the science teacher. Okay...Really? Really?

All right. Is this the same science teacher I had in third grade who took off points when I brought in a diorama of plastic dinosaurs romping because Apatosaur lived during the Jurassic period and Triceratops lived during the Cretaceous, but gave me some extra credit due to the fact that they were all giving rides to my tiny Fisher Price kids? Damn that year we spent in Kansas.

Ms. Vanderhoff says it seems like a normal sponge to her but that she'll take a closer look at it later. Ms. V? Wearing a pair of thick tortoiseshells isn't going to make you a great intellect any more than said glasses made Tina Fey look like a nerdy bookish type.

Kat leaves the sponge with her teacher and heads home.

At home, Carlos is reading Encyclopedia of the Weird. "Does it have her picture in it?" Daniel jokes, gesturing at Kat.

Carlos says that according to this book, the sponge is a grool, a creature that causes bad luck wherever it goes. It also feeds on bad luck, getting stronger the worse things become. Carlos clumsily foreshadows that it's a good thing that they didn't find a lanx, which is a vampiric potato.

Carlos also tells them that if the owner gives away the grool, then the owner will die. Kat realizes that she left the grool with her teacher. The kids head over to the school.

Open on a janitor listening to headphones and singing "You Are My Sunshine," as he cleans. The kids sneak into the science classroom but can't find the grool. They hide as the janitor comes in and turns on the light, revealing that the grool is sitting on a table.

The janitor finds the grool and starts using it to wipe down the counters.

The fuck? Does everyone think that's what kitchen sponges really look like? Ether Typhoid Mary runs a cleaning agency that this guy works for, or this episode and the book it was based on were commissioned by some angry sponges who wanted to do for the sponge image what Dove Real Beauty did for women with cellulite.

The lights suddenly go out and the janitor heads over to the circuit breaker when he bumps his head and passes out. The grool starts making noises and the kids try to find it in the dark. Kat sees a sign that says, "Danger: ACID." She climbs up on a stool and the grool surprises her. She falls, knocking over the acid, and the goggles, zey do nussing! The grool grows happily. The kids want to escape but the door is barred for no apparent reason. (Whoever gets to edit the goofs page on this episode's IMDb listing is going to have a long night.)

The kids decide to go out the window. They figure they'll have to carry out the still unconscious janitor, but as soon as they grab him, tape player falls down. The grool hears the awful corny music and starts to shrink. The kids realize that the music is pissing off the grool.

"The grool loves bad so it must hate good!" says Kat. So I have the grool to blame for drunken karaoke singers who think that Don't Stop Believing is their signature hit.

Daniel turns up the music but the tape player dies and the kids freak out until they realize they can just make up crap on their own (which is what Kiss said when their hair and make-up artist quit and how Peter Chris's kittykat persona was born). The kids tell the grool how awesome it is, and it shrinks. But then the acid starts making weird noises, until the janitor inexplicably wakes up and sprays it (with a fire extinguisher, pervs). Between all the spraying foam and the horrid music, I'm starting to get a flashback to the time my mom made me take my little cousin to a Jonas Brothers concert and a condom fell out of my back pocket and I had to spend the entire rest of the night being lectured to and trying on abstinence rings.

We cut to Kat's room the next day. She wakes up and puts a gigantic set of headphones on the grool's cage and tells him to enjoy as the sounds of Goosebumps music start to play.

The grool writhes in pain like a hipster forced to listen to a band that Pitchfork just wrote about and that now has a following of more than eight people.

Kat looks out the window and sees that the dog, Killer, has come back. The whole family welcomes back Killer (except Horshach who just does his trademark laugh). The family leaves and Killer drops something in Kat's lap. Kat asks what the dog brought her.

Aw, a dog who can bring me my favorite non-green vegetable! All right. (In other news, Dr. Atkins was once up on animal cruelty charges for beating his dog to death with a potato. His defense? Well, come on, the mutt brought him a complex carbohydrate. True story.)

The potato scowls and Kat screams.

You're probably laughing but this scene right here was the inspiration for the entire movie Teeth. (Well, a combination of that and the time that Mitchell Lichtenstein's girlfriend went down on him without taking out her retainer.) I'd also like to say that this is how this is how R.L. remembers the sexual encounter between him and the Missus that resulted in their son, Matt, being conceived, but I can't. No, not because I promised R.L. I'd cut back on those jokes, but because their kid was created in a lab somewhere. The closest they've got together physically is that time R.L. IMed his sweetheart with "*holding hands*"

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Dangerous Soup

2009-08-24T14:00:00.006-04:00

As we open on the Midnight Society, Frank is giving us the background to his story by having all the kids say what their worst fears are. They're pretty ordinary (dogs, heights) except for Sam who's afraid of birds and is probably the only person who genuinely thought that the Hitchcock movie The Birds was scary. Tucker claims to be afraid of nothing and Frank says he has something in this box that Tucker is probably scared of. Frank says it's no secret that he's afraid of the dark.

Kiki says, "Yes! He admits it," as she high fives Gary. And I hate to admit that the ten year old inside of me thinks, "Oh, he's got a tough veneer, but look at that vulnerability! He's like an ethnic Shawn Hunter." Anyway, Frank talks some more about fears and then calls his story the Tale of the Dangerous Soup.

We cut to a guy in a room with fans. A chair appears, and a disembodied voice tells him to take a seat. Oh my god, it's Chris Hansen! Like such great TV hosts as Marc Summers and Mike O'Malley before him, he too got his start on Nickelodeon before going on to such bigger and better things as voicing animated series, doing shows on the Food Network, and mining pedophiles for fun and profit.

No, I'm kidding. It turns out to be Dr. Vink. So the guy sits down and asks, "Now what?" This is strangely surreal for the normally straightforward Are You Afraid of the Dark?

Is this a dream sequence? TV show within a TV show? Oh my god, if I'm watching yet another experimental film about gay cowboys eating pudding, or an off-off-off Broadway play about stripper lesbians with issues talking about heteronormativity, I'm so out of here. So the guy is suddenly strapped into the seat and a statue of a gargoyle creature appears.

This is scary? I've seen lladro more frightening than this.

The voice giggles. "It knows what scares you!" A snake appears between the young man's legs as he starts screaming and we cut out.

Next scene. Neve Campbell welcomes us to a restaurant called the Wild Boar while silently asking herself if she'll appear too desperate if she calls up the Party of Five producers to see if they've made a decision about the Julie Salinger role yet. As she walks by, another waitress hands a couple some menus but they tell her that they've just come for the soup. As one of the waitresses and Neve talk back in the kitchen, it turns out this soup goes for a hundred dollars a pop.

A busboy bumps into them and drops some knives on the floor. One of the waitresses, Jersey, freaks out, screaming that she doesn't touch knives, she just doesn't, and stalks off.

People eat the soup with oddly orgasmic looks on their faces.

Then as the chef emerges, they applaud. Good god, I haven't seen this much excitement over soup since Carole King sang Chicken Soup With Rice. As it turns out, the chef is Dr. Vink. He takes a bow and thanks everyone for coming.

Next scene. A scruffy young man asking only workman's wages comes looking for a job. Neve, er, actually, her character is called Nonnie, interviews the guy, Reed, and explains about Dr. Vink, who's the chef and owner and basically heart and soul of this operation. Dr. Vink pops up out of nowhere and says, "A cook feeds the stomach. A chef nourishes the soul." And Andrew Zimmern and Anthony Bourdain rape the spirit and leave it for dead in a ditch somewhere moaning (sorry, too much Food Network this weekend).

Young Reed eye rolls and asks if Dr. Vink is supposed to be the best or something. Dr. Vink eyes him with the look of Meryl Streep eyeing young, fresh-faced ingenue Anne Hathaway, and just as Ms. Streep hired the girl who doesn't know from Dolce and Gabanna, Vink decides to hire the kid who can't distinguish between tripe and his own asshole. (Though to be fair, it's the blind taste test that four out of five Top Chef contestants consistently fail.) As Dr. Vink heads into the kitchen to show him around, Reed mutters to Nonnie that Vink seems like a nutbag.

Vink shows his new employee around the kitchen, talking about how cooking is an art form. He offers Reed a taste of the soup, which he thinks is, "pretty good."

"My friend, the flavor dances over the tongue in a symphony of flavors." (You know, if the restaraunt business doesn't work out, Dr. V. could so write pop songs for 1960s girl groups. Or soft-core vampire porn because that little love note to soup was better than 90% of the first Sookie Stackhouse book.) Vink warns Reed that he's not allowed to have another taste.

"And I am NOT a nutbag," he adds. Dr. Vink? Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining. Thanks.

Frank narrates that once in a while, someone would just up and quit for no reason. But the Wild Boar flourishes.

Next scene. Jersey and Dr. Vink argue while Reed and Nonnie talk. Reed explains some of his behavior. He mentions that he's always been on his own and it's hard to ask other people for help but Nonnie's been really awesome (she covers for him when Vink catches him trying to sneak a taste of soup). She bats her eyelashes and silently wonders if doing a Nickelodeon show will make it too sleazy when she does her first Playboy spread a few years down the line.

We cut away to see Vink fighting with the waitress Jersey, who says she doesn't do dishes. (You don't do dishes and you hate knives and yet you work in a restaurant? You know, the likelihood of the position of "Padme Lakshmi" opening up at the Wild Boar is slim to none.)

Vink tells Jersey he wants to make her his protege by moving her to the kitchen, and will reveal to her the secret of his soup. Telling her how brilliant she is, he invites her into that little room. Oh, Jersey, you sad, stupid little girl--this situation couldn't be any more of an obvious set-up for your being taken advantage of if it involved Qualudes, Jack Nicholson's hot tub, and an Eastern European dwarf with a penchant for making Satanic horror films.

Jersey goes inside and has a seat. Suddenly a large axe appears from the ceiling and starts swinging down several feet from her neck.

"It knows what scares you," chuckles Vink. As she screams, we cut to a vial being filled with green liquid.

Oh, cool, it looks like my slutty college roommate's pap smear after she discovered "casual encounters" on Craigslist.

Nonnie and Reed hear the screams and come to investigate. Eventually, Vink opens the door and Jersey leaves the room, looking shocked.

Reed wants to know what's going on. Vink offers to show him the secret. He explains that in his travels, he came across a tribe that had a statue that knew what you were afraid of. "It could reach into your mind and actually create your deepest fear. It was only an illusion but the more you believed in it, the more real it would become." The tiny statue also produced an elixir that the tribe would drink for potency because it makes your pulse quicken or something. Nonnie finally realizes that that this is why everyone quits--they get scared away by Vink so he can make the fear soup. Yep, the audience loves these slow learners.

Wouldn't a soup made from fear taste horrible and be awfully fattening? ("Yes, well...it's mostly for show," points out Dr. Vink, and before I can point out that this makes absolutely no sense, he's gone.)

But Reed doesn't believe him and he wants to stand up to Vink. Vink invites Reed into the little room. Reed resists but Vink starts talking about how Reed was an orphan raised by a terrifying old uncle. (Yeah, well, I was practically raised by TV in the early 90s when Full House ruled TGIF with an Olsen twin sized fist, and I'm not afraid of any uncles. Though I did experience flashbacks when I got free tickets to Dave Coulier's ninety minute stand-up act a few years ago. If you thought two minutes of wood jokes were bad...ugh.)

A coffin appears in the room and Reed freaks out. (Oh, you're afraid of clumsily foreshadowed plot points, too?) He opens the coffin and Reed's dead uncle comes to life and starts choking him.

Vink steps away from the window and Nonnie can't bear it any more. She opens the door and the gargoyle talisman flies out.

"You've unleashed it!" screams Dr. Vink. Apparently it's going to go terrorize the entire world. Vink had it under wraps for a while but now it's unleashed on the general public. Dr. Vink runs out of the restaraunt to track it down. When did this become The Howling Man episode of the Twilight Zone and are the members of the Midnight Society going to take up smoking in homage to Rod Serling?

Dr. Vink runs out and kids aren't sure what to do. Then the lights go out and it turns out that the demon statue came back. They open a door and inexplicably it's huge.

Yeah, you know, I always thought that the Room 101 part of 1984 would have been so much scarier with a gigantic flying gargoyle.

Reed tells Nonnie to clear her mind, not think about what scares her. But then a snake appears and she shrieks loudly despite what Reed said. (Great advice, Reed, but she's angling to appear in Scream next, not in Prozac Nation.)

They go into the kitchen and what appears to be wind blows Nonnie conveniently into the fear room and locks it. Then it turns out that her fear is closed spaces and she begs Reed to open the door.

He tells her to face her fear and that it's all an illusion (um, where was all this Dr. Phil meets B.F. Skinner talk when Uncle Vanya was giving your neck the choking chicken treatment?).

Then Reed goes out into the restaurant and sees the coffin. It opens and Reed's uncle trots out staring at him.

Reed sinks to his knees (I guess that's the position he associates with his uncle the most?) and yells, "You didn't molest me! You don't love me!" (no, wait, I changed channels to the Brown Noise episode of South Park). He yells that he's not afraid, that he doesn't believe in it and his uncle disappears. And it should say something that Macauley Culkin's performance where he faced down that scary furnace in the basement was even more convincing than no name actor here.

Anyway, the fear is over. Reed runs into the little room and hugs Nonnie and tells her that it's all over, that Vink won't be making any more soup. "That's where you're wrong, my friend," Vink tells them, staring in through the window.

"It still knows what scares you." (You know, if this fear soup thing were a franchise of movies, that would be a great tag line. Come on, you just know that when Kevin Williamson and his Joey Potter look alike friend were sitting around, brainstorming ideas for the sequel to I Know What You Did Last Summer, Kevin chanced upon this episode and decided it was brilliant. "Yeah, but you still have no plot," pointed out Joey doppleganger. "Oh, um, we'll put Jennifer Love Hewitt in an even tighter, more improbably low cut sweater and maybe no one will notice?" And the rest was history.)

The episode ends with Dr. Vink laughing in his typically crazed manner as the kids look horrified.

Everyone thinks the story was great except Tucker who thinks that the room wouldn't work if nothing scares you. Frank offers Tucker the chance to be the first to reach into the unknown, offering him the box. Is Frank going to put the box in his lap, opens the lid on top, and unleash his John Thomas? Because that's why I'm afraid of eating popcorn at the movies. Tucker's too scared to open the box. Gary asks what's inside. "Exactly what Tucker's afraid of. Nothing," says Frank, revealing that the box was empty. Oh, Frank, still waters run deep as usual.

Goosebumps: The Haunted Mask (Part 2)

2009-08-13T13:00:00.001-04:00

And we're back. Yes, Sabrina's okay and Carly Beth hasn't gone off the deep end yet. (And as for the mole--"No, it's part of a fine Stine tradition of excellence in facial blemishes.") "Gotcha!" yells Carly Beth. "I was getting into character, you know, gettin' in the mood!" she says as she dances a little. Awkward. Well, I guess that's the pre-teen girl version of, "Somebody STOP me!"

At the next house, they ring the bell. A mom and her kids answer. One of the little kids says she doesn't like Carly Beth's mask. Carly Beth responds, "You better watch what you say if you know what's good for ya!"

The children that Carly Beth is shrieking at, Sadako, her teddy bear collection and (I'm willing to bet) a lot of this blog's followers, and David Gest all cower in fear. Touche, Stine, one for you. The mother of the kids gets pissed, understandably, and finally Carly Beth tells her she'll get what's coming to her and then grabs a handful of candy as she runs off.

The mother says to Sabrina, "You tell your sick little friend that I'm going to call the police." (Yeah, but you're going to wish you hadn't called the cops for preteen girls hopped up on sugar when the half way house opens up across the street, the tweakers move in, and behavior like this becomes as common as Starbucks.)

Sabrina wants to go home but Carly Beth ditches her to go find Chuck and Steve. We cut to the guys dressed as pirates singing in the town cemetery. Carly Beth stalks them from the bushes. Since she hasn't been exposed to Captain Jack Sparrow and only knows Pirates of the Caribbean as a Disney ride, she's probably not going to leap out at them with KY jelly on a rubber glove. (Sidenote: since turning Disney rides into movies apparently makes things hot, how come the Country Bears didn't do for those Charmin bears what Johnny Depp did for pirates?)

Carly Beth surprises Chuck and Steve and terrorizes them. They think it's her, but they aren't sure. And they're very, very afraid. Then Carly Beth starts referring to herself in the third person, telling them, "Apologize to Carly Beth!" and brandishing her head on a stick. Oh, R.L., THAT'S your idea of creepy? By that rationale, Bob Dole is the creepiest man in politics. (After R.L. stared at me pointedly, I got the message.)

Then the Carly Beth head quivers and says, "Help me," and the boys flee. Carly Beth digs a hole for her head and ditches it, then heads to Sabrina's. (See? Her personality's been co-opted. Did you get that? Do we need to spell it out for you any more clearly?)

Other, non-pictured things that Carly Beth does while wearing the mask: almost gets forcibly checked into the Betty Ford clinic, tricks a dumb sorority chick into thinking she's having sex with her jock boyfriend, and fields sexual come-ons from most of Lisa Lampanelli's exes.

At Sabrina's, the two girls look at their candy haul. Then Carly Beth tries to remove her mask. It won't come off and she asks Sabrina to cut it off.

Sabrina tries to find where the mask ends and Carly Beth's skin begins...but there's no line. Carly Beth takes off and runs screaming into the night. Sabrina the Pre-Teenage Bitch watches her go without trying to stop her. "Uh, do you still want your candy?"

At the mask store, the store owner tells her a tormented tale about how he was originally trying to create some beautiful faces but they all went wrong and somehow turned evil and ugly because of the evil within him, or something. (I wonder if this guy is responsible for the plastic surgery work on Cher and Joan Rivers.)

Turns out his own face was one that he created that will soon turn oogly. Store owner tells her that if the mask has already been removed once, she can't take it off again. She cries that it's not fair and starts flipping out and shaking him, and it's almost good enough to be a Montana Meth ad. The man says something about a symbol of love removing it. Oh, but the next time someone dons the mask that'll be it. Forever. No, seriously this time, really. Then the masks wake up and start to float after her.

Chased out by the other masks, Carly Beth runs for the hill, for her life and digs up the plaster of Paris mold shaped like her head. She puts it on. Yeah! That'll spook the other masks. I mean, that's a great symbol of love. It works, and as soon as she takes off the plaster of Paris head, the gross mask comes right off. She runs home, hugs her mother, and is super grateful for her own face.

Then Carly Beth's little brother comes in wearing the mask. Uh oh! Somebody call Customer Service! Or an Exorcist.

You know, this ending would be a lot more creepy if I hadn't seen the sequel, the Haunted Mask II, which totally retcons the "Carly Beth's Brother Has An Evil Mask For a Face" ending.

Goosebumps: The Haunted Mask (Part 1)

2009-08-12T08:00:00.005-04:00

Before we get started, if you guys want to watch this episode for yourself, you can find it here on youtube.

Intro. The camera pans past a bunch of ugly masks to the most hideous one of all.

(Sidenote, Sadako to R.L.: "Nice FX for once! How'd you get the facial mole to throb like that?" R.L.: "It's a side effect of Lipitor and if you look directly at it, I'll get your soul in the mail along with my residuals.")

Okay, R.L. introduces us to the first episode ever of Goosebumps before joining me to feast on Milky Ways as he tries to defend his artistic integrity from my snark like Tom Wolfe's Charlotte Simmons defending her virtue from frat boys armed with Rohypnol and Smirnoff Ice. Blah blah blah, haunted mask, Carly Beth learns about the love of her family, yeah. Got it. The episode begins.

Carly Beth and her friend Sabrina walk through a pumpkin patch. They stare at a weird looking Halloween store and wonder aloud about it. The store owner stares at them. Then they traipse through the patch looking for a last minute pumpkin. Sabrina exposits that Carly Beth is terrified of her own shadow and that these guys at school are always picking on her.

Then Carly Beth screams. Two creatures in pumpkin head regalia jump out and assault her. It turns out it's just two boys from school, Chuck and Steve.

This is only the first time we see Pumpkinheads depicted as The Scariest Thing Ever. Jesus, R.L., is this inspired by an event where you were held down and sodomized nightly by a creature with a gigantic oozing Pumpkinhead? (He pipes up with, "I'll thank you not to refer to Mrs. Stine that way.")

Carly Beth stalks off in a rage. Sabrina tries to comfort her but ends up laughing, saying it was pretty funny. Shut up, Sabrina the Pre-Teenage Bitch. When Chuck and Steve end up publicly teabagging you after a few too many shots of tequila, you're going to be crying on Carly Beth's shoulder, begging for a little coke and sympathy.

At home, Carly Beth's mom tries to show her a mask she made at art class of Carly Beth's head. You know, there are some moms who really shouldn't go the extra mile to express love by creating face masks of their offspring. Carly Beth's mom, Judy Garland, and Katherine Jackson fall into that category. Carly Beth freaks, thinking that the mask smiled at her and her mom rolls her eyes. (Yeah, if this took place only a decade in the future, you could just reach for the Kiddie Prozac.) To be fair...look at that creepy head. It's so Uncanny Valley.

Oops. Wrong head.

Carly Beth's mom tells her Excitable Offspring that she bought her a duck costume for Halloween. In the last scene, we see the plaster of Paris head smiling.

Upstairs, Carly Beth goes to find her costume, but then her little brother, wearing it, attacks her. She freaks out before realizing it's her kid brother. Man, can we get this girl together with the loser from Calling All Creeps?

At school the next day, Chuck and Steve manage to put a worm in Carly Beth's sandwich. The final nail in the coffin. She freaks out and runs home crying and rips up the horrid duck costume in a rage. She goes to the Halloween store she saw last night in the hopes of something that will scare Chuck and Steve. In the costume store, she goes into a secret hidden room and finds a bunch of hideous masks.

I'll take Likenesses of Things Coughed Up by Amy Winehouse on Day 3 of the Honeymoon with Blake Fielder Civil for a thousand, Alex. Carly Beth reaches out for the scariest. It looks...oddly familiar.

Ooh, I know! Nicole Ritchie without any make up, with the same expression she made when she found out Cosmos had calories. Do I get a prize? Where's my Kewpie doll?

The store owner steps in and stops Carly Beth. He tells her about how the masks are truly dangerous and horrifying and possibly cursed. But Carly Beth is stupid and passes up the Frogurt with free toppings in favor of the hideous mask. She throws her life savings (thirty dollars) on the ground and runs out of the store as the man howls in rage.

Later, she scares her brother in revenge for the duck trick. She tries to remove the mask. It won't come off...at first. Carly Beth puts it back on.

Then she sneaks out of the house with the face-mask her mother fashioned for her. She scares some kids whom she thinks are Chuck and Steve by ripping off their costumes and screaming that if she had been coherent enough to figure out who they were, she'd make them sorry.

(And somewhere David Gest shudders and reaches for the Klonopin as he gets a flashback to his wedding night with Liza.)

Then she meets up with Sabrina who's dressed as a cat.

This is soon followed by a predictable barrage of comments on the order of "Aw, what an adorable SEWER RAT" or "Oh, what a scary mouse costume!" (Well, at least it isn't the Halle Berry as Catwoman costume, complete with CGI whip.)

MJ and Ben head down the street. Sabrina says that Carly Beth's costume is a little gross and that it feels like real skin.

Sabrina wants to know if it's real and begs her friend to take off the mask. Carly Beth gets pissed at this line of questioning and starts to strangle her. Years later, Tyra Banks would re-enact this scene when Paulina Porizkova just would not step down about the weave issue. And that's the end of Part the First. Is this the end of Zombie Sabrina? Will Carly Beth make the Bad Seed girl look wholesome? And will Sarah Jessica Parker give R.L. Stine the name of her plastic surgeon?

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Nightly Neighbors

2009-08-07T14:30:00.001-04:00

Betty Ann's up tonight. Eric whines, saying her stories are kind of gross but always end the same way. Betty Ann's about to shock him tonight, though. She calls this story the Tale of the Nightly Neighbors.

Our heroes are Dayday and Emma. While Dayday watches Night of the Living Dead on TV one night, Emma startles him. Then she yells at him for watching TV when he could be improving his mind. She stares out the window at the new neighbors who are wearing all black. They're moving in and Emma's curious.

(Someone just gave Bebe Neuwirth and Nathan Lane a run for their money in terms of casting for the newest Addams Family vehicle on Broadway!)

The next day, Emma and Dayday go visit the new family to be neighborly. Bring over a casserole, maybe point out the nearest Hot Topic. They see a guy delivering two huge crates. They ask him about the neighbors. According to the paperwork, they're the Braun family (hey, and I thought Adolph and Eva didn't have any next of kin!). They're from the Ukraine. (Oh, AYAOTD fact-checker? Braun is a German name.)

Emma squeals in excitement. (Oh, don't believe what they say about Ukraine girls, Emma--I have it on good authority that Paul McCartney never even crossed the Iron Curtain.)

Delivery guy leaves the two gigantic boxes in the driveway. Emma thinks that maybe the nightly neighbors are "KGB agents who had to bolt when the Soviet Union crumbled." I bet TV writers got terribly emo when the Union fell because there was no readily available enemy to blame everything on. The way things will be when the last Nazi war criminal dies off and writers won't be able to use Nazis as their go-to enemy.

Anyway, they run into the mailman who reports that he's feeling "weak as a kitten" and has "got a touch of something." Turns out the night that the Brauns came to visit him, he started feeling weak. He leaves to spout more cliches and Emma and Dayday gaze at each other.

Betty Ann narrates that all over town, people are getting weak and feeling unwell and their necks are adorned with large, flesh covered bandages.

Oh, guys. Don't be ashamed--Kat Von D makes a great tattoo and/or hickey cover up.

One night, Lex asks if he can come in. Emma says it's kind of late, in the tone most girls reserve for trying to get the town date rapist to go away.

Emma, in all probability, he's the son of really annoying goth/punk types, not a raccoon. You know, the kinds of people who go to Trash and Vaudeville and buy their kids "I love Joey Ramone" bibs and onesies adorned with chains, and whose kids will all rebel by growing up to be i-bankers with lifetime Wall Street Journal subscriptions.

But in all seriousness, Emma has no idea what the deal is. I know the audience loves a slow learner, but they mean more like Forrest Gump slow. You know, slightly dumb but still lovable. Not Keanu Reeves dumb, which is where we are now. Creepy foreign goth family moves in with thick accents, they only come out at night, everyone starts getting weak and anemic, and our Emma has no idea that maybe they could be vamps? Methinks she should have watched more late night TV with Dayday--maybe they'd have seen an Elvira episode.

That night, Emma has a dream that Mr. Braun sneaks into her house in a cloud of smoke and is about to bite her neck.

Emma screams and wakes up. I sympathize. I had that exact dream every time my parents brought me home a new Bunnicula book. (Hey, in my defense, vampire bunny wasn't cute in MY dreams--he was more like a Monty Python bunny, or a Jimmy Carter-attacking bunny. The director of Donnie Darko so mined my dreams when he came up with Frank the Rabbit.)

Finally, Emma decides that we've had enough exposition, and she's going to go look for coffins in the neighbors' house and see if they really are vampires. The Brauns leave for the night and she enters their house. But it turns out they were planning on visiting Emma and Dayday's house. Dayday tries not to let them in but his mother tells them to come on in.

The Brauns say that they're in the States to study our healthcare system as paramedics. It's really interesting work, says Mrs. Braun, but a bit "bloody." (Since this show is written and created by Canadians, somehow I feel there was a U.S. healthcare joke that went way over my head.) Then the Brauns say they must go, and Dayday, worried about Emma, tries to stall them, asking if Lex wants to play video games. Lex's response:

Oh, come on, Lex, it's the golden age of video games--Mario Kart, Donkey Kong, Yoshi's Island. But the Brauns go home and Dayday starts panicking.

Dayday sneaks into the basement to warn Emma. Before they leave, Emma opens the box and it's a refrigerator...of blood.

They look horrified, and so am I. Come on, vampires, are you telling me you guys steal from blood banks? That's as emo as Angel and Anne Rice's Louis only drinking from animals to spare people. And not cute animals--disgusting animals that no one would miss, like sewer rats. Way to miss the point.

Emma vows to hunt the vampires down the next day after school. She wields a baseball bat as she talks. (Well, maybe she's just going to tell them that they can't be on her vampire baseball team. That would shatter them.)

The kids set off for the Braun house. Emma wears a gigantic cross around her neck, as does Dayday. Well, they're from the Eastern Bloc, guys, let's be creative. How 'bout wearing a gigantic Star of David? Or they could be atheists--how 'bout a Darwin fish? I'm so sick of these motherfucking Christian vampires on my motherfucking street.

The kids sneak in and find another padlocked door in addition to the refrigerators they saw last time they were here. Emma tries to open it as Dayday simpers.

Then someone comes downstairs and the kids hide under a table. Whoever it was leaves and the kids go outside again. They see Mr. and Mrs. Braun outside. Dayday hisses at Emma (and Stephanie Meyer), "I thought vampires couldn't go in the sun."

Emma wields her cross and Mrs. Braun just smiles. (See? Told you I was right about my Darwinfish idea.) The Brauns explain that their schedule changed and now they work in the daytime. They also explain that the hospital had a surplus of blood that they were storing.

They bring the blood out to their car. Um, yeah, that's as plausible as the time my friend of a friend's cousin's boyfriend thought there was a surplus of money when he worked at Citibank. Come on, Braun family, are you cribbing cover stories from Bernie Madoff's lawyers?

Then the Brauns ask if Lex could come over that night and play video games with Dayday. Dayday agrees. The kids leave, realizing that they were wrong about the Brauns.

Down in the basement, the Brauns talk as they put more blood in their fridge. They open a padlocked door revealing a coffin that houses Lex. "Wake up, Master," they tell him, saying he was right that they should come to this country for the fresh blood. (Oh yeah? But what about the brain drain? I wonder what the zombie lobby has to say about that.) "And no one believes that a little boy can be a vampire," says Mr. Braun, as he and the Missus laugh and Lex awakens.

To be fair, Mr. Braun, if your vampire had been a little girl, we'd have caught on much sooner. We already knew that young girls could be possessed by the devil, sociopathic murderers, 19th century-era vampires, and we'd soon learn they could haunt video cassettes in Japan.

Oh, for the days when kids' shows could have creepy endings! And for when vampires weren't twisted sad emo creatures, when little girls thought that vampires needed butt-kickings instead of therapy. And for when kiddie vampires were cool. (I blame Jonathan Lipnicki and the people who made The Littlest Vampire for the downfall of child vampires.)

Goosebumps: One Day at Horrorland Part 2

2009-07-24T12:00:00.002-04:00

When we left off, the monsters were preventing the Morris family from leaving the park. They monsters surround the family. Papa Morris reaches out and tries to rip a Horror's face off, but gets nothing. Oh no, they really are monsters (anyone surprised? anyone? kids in the back?). The Morrises flee into a building where they find a large studio audience full of Horrors.

A TV host Horror welcomes them onto the set and explains everything. It's a reality TV show where clips of the Morris family running in fear from Horrors or freaking out at the insane rides. Essentially, it's like a monster version of Punk'D but the host is cuter than Ashton and less irritating than Borat. Can we call it Candid Gamera?

The TV screen shows all the filmed moments where the family ran around in terror as the audience laughs.

As the show ends, the family asks to leave. The host begs them to stay for the next show, a game show. He tells them the prize is a brand new sports utility vehicle. Clearly, this Horror read the Stuff White People Like site. They agree, so it's off to hair and make up, where R.L. Stine broke barriers by including the first homosexual monster character on children's television. "Oh, my heavens," simpers the hair and make up monster.

He offers them some disgusting snacks, delicately presses a gigantic pink poof ball to each human's face, and when Mrs. Morris asks, "You're not going to hurt us...are you?" responds, "Darling, we're monsters but we're not MONSTERS." Can we replace the Culture Maven from Queer Eye with this monster?

The Morrises are ushered onstage as the game show starts. It's called "Raw Deal." I guess that's...kind of a pun. (Who wants to take the bet that the answer to the first question is "Horrorland"? Anyone?) The host introduces the sexy assistant, Holly Tosis, the Vanna White of the Horror World.

Tonight it's the Morrises vs. the Morrises. (Starring Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep.) Actually, it's the kids versus the adults. The kids look nervous at the prospect of playing on a monster game show, but Dad is the Richard Hatch of monster reality shows and mom is the Omarosa, who want fame and SUVs at any price, and they both point out that they'll pretty much win the SUV since they're playing each other. The game is basically Wheel of Fortune without the wheel.

The Morris parents pick a card that either has money or something creepy written on it. If they guess right, they get the money. If they guess wrong, they lose a turn. I don't know what happens if they pull "lose a limb" or "go eat worms" because it never happens.

(Seriously, R.L., did Merv threaten to sue you if you used a wheel?) So the parents pick a few letters. They guess wrong and lose their turn. Then we hear a few words from our sponsors. It's Monster Love Songs.

Little known piece of trivia. That's the name of the poem that a sweaty R.L. penned to his first love -- a corpse he encountered at his college job at the morgue.

When we come back, the kids have almost solved the puzzle. It's the MORRIS FAMILY IS LU_ _ _. The kids guess Lucky, but they're wrong. They do get a prize--a bucket of worms is hurled at them. The Morris parents get another turn. Mama Morris solves it. Lunch! THE MORRIS FAMILY IS LUNCH! They're right, but they realize this is a creepy message and are worried. Game show host gives them a second chance to win the SUV (which they keep calling a Sports Utility Vehicle), after another word from their sponsors--human action figures (just don't call them dolls).

This makes me nostalgic for my own dumpy, plastic human action figures from Fisher Price who were responsible for letting my imagination expand and grow. And for my blonde haired, pneumatic human action figures from Mattell who were responsible for my food issues and body dysmorphic disorder. Also, for the Creepy Crawlers oven where most of said action figures met a grisly end.

The card says that they win the vehicle of their dreams. "Well, not quite yet. You won a chance to win a new car. But not before you take the Horrorland Challenge." Ugh. This game show is like watching someone sit through a Time Share meeting. They get a choice of opening two doors. Behind one door, a brand new SUV.

Behind another, Ripper, the love child of Alice Cooper and Ozzy Osbourne. Played by the same beast who was Sabre in Camp Nightmare.

And behind a third--goats! A tasty consolation prize.

The family chooses door number one. The lady or the tiger? They go inside and of course, it's Ripper. The Horrors watch on-screen, waiting for the family of humans to get ripped to bits. Wow, Stine, quite a prescient send-up of the reality show genre. Except Stephen King already did it in The Running Man so no.

Ripper starts growling. "He's getting ready to pounce!" screams Lizzy. No, Lizzy, he's on his last legs, he's barely able to move, and the director is praying the batteries won't die before they have to stop shooting for the day because the prop boy didn't come back from his last trip to Duane Reade. Suddenly, Deus Ex Machina arrives in the form of that Horror who warned them off earlier in Part 1. He ushers them out of the building back into the woods, telling them he wants to help because he's pissed about losing the job of host of Raw Deal. (He's not the producer's brother-in-law. God, it's all politics, isn't it?)

But then Horrors appear. They chase the family off as they shriek. (And it's the same damned little girl shriek looped over and over. Is this a Wilhelmina scream?)

The Horrors chase them and they hide in the woods. They come across the remains of some other humans (baby stroller knocked over) and conclude they aren't the first family to appear on this show. The Horrors find them again and they run, this time escaping under a fence to the parking lot. More Wilhelmina screaming, and then the family gets into the car, driving off. But since the Horrors put a device on the car, all is not over.

Mr. Morris can't operate the car and we cut back to the game show host telling us that he's steering it. The Morris family is balancing on the edge of a cliff with the game show host laughing it up (what--does he host EVERY show on this channel? He's like the Rowan Atkinson of the Monster Channel).

We cut to a pair of Monsters watching the show. One of them says that they should stop watching scary human shows and switches off the TV. The wife says they should just talk, and he rolls his eyes and she says, "It is true what they say. Men are from Omicron Persei 7, women are from Omicron Persei 9." Er, I mean, he says that's a good idea and offers her a cockroach. Mmm. Gross out humor. Never fails.

Evil Pink Unicorn Award

2009-07-23T11:30:00.001-04:00

The Evil Pink Unicorn sees all, knows all, and spears all annoying teddy bears who get too close to her essential pinkness. She also commends good bloggers for being hilarious, bizarre, and just plain fun.

Yes, I just made this award up. I didn't actually receive it. It originates with me. But the award just cried out to be created.

Here's who I'm passing this awesomeness on to:

1. You Miss Your Old Familiar Friends. Yay for Full House Snark!

2. The Unicorner.

3. The Unprofessional Critic.

4. Children of the 90s. A must read!

5. The Literary Adventures of Lindsay Monroe (also you get kudos for being the one who introduced me to this wonderful, wonderful image).

6. Laina Has Too Much Spare Time.

7. Little Snarky Two Shoes. Another great TV/book blog.

8. Desert Rose Booklogue.

9. Cupcake Witch.

10. Book Crumbs.

11. Presenting Lenore.

12. Underage Reading.

13. Fear Street

If you've received it, pass it on to how ever many people you like.

Goosebumps: One Day at Horrorland Part 1

2009-07-22T09:00:00.003-04:00

Enter: the Morris family: Mr. and Mrs. Morris and their daughter, Lizzy, and younger son, Luke. They're on their way to a vacation at Zoo Gardens. But there's a killer on the road, and his brain is squirming like a toad, and if you give this man a ride...oh, wait, wrong vacation. They're just lost. The Morris family succumbs to stereotypes, as Papa Morris refuses to ask for directions. (Considering they're surrounded by seagulls, I'm not sure who Mother Morris wants to ask.) Luke whines about going to Zoo Gardens. Not pictured: a scene where alpacas revolt from their roles as pack mules to maul tourists at Zoo Gardens.

The family drives off. Then some insanely fake holograms rush the family and they scream. Fireballs! I do commend the family on their reaction to the drawn in special effects. Turns out they're at Horrorland, some kind of theme park. Mama Morris expresses her doubts. It might not be safe. Oh, that's what they said about the Pirates of the Caribbean ride when it first opened at Disney Land. And before you can say that the pirates never tried to eat the visitors, may I remind you of the year that old Uncle Walt decided to remove the mandatory rabies shots from the Disney employees' health plan?

As they exit, we see something emerging from under the car, tampering with it. I wonder if this could be important later.

A big sign says, "The Horrorland Horrors Welcome You to Horrorland." A Tyler Perry production. (And I gotta say, based on having seen this episode already, Madea is a thousand times more frightening than any of these so called Horrors.) The family goes to the ticket booth, where a Horror pops up.

So...he's moonlighting from his Foot Locker job? And tells them that admission is free. And if I learned anything from Zoo Tycoon, it's that not charging admission and not providing cages puts you in the red. Horrorland Horrors, have you played Zoo Tycoon? Have you even played the cheaper, more nostalgia infused, Dino Park Tycoon?

The family almost bump into a monster. They look on, disgusted, as it holds a girl's decapitated head. "Stay off the guillotine ride! Sharp turns!" says the head. The monster tells them not to listen to her.

The mom finds this a little too creepy. Yeah, well, I felt this way about the Black Experience part of Colonial Williamsburg. Shudder.

The Morris parents tell the kids that they can go off on their own for a while but to meet back here in an hour. Lizzy and Luke run off. On their way, they see two parents comforting a crying little girl.

(Yeah, that's pretty much how I felt the time my parents forgot my brother and I at Disney and we had to sit through eight showings of Captain EO. Oh, the humanity.)

A monster runs up to Lizzy and her brother, telling them they need to get out, that it's not safe. Lizzy and Luke look weirded out. Yeah, I know the feeling. This reminds me of that guy in that Salem Village recreation who asked me if I'd ever churned butter. "No, but...I mean, have you ever really churned butter?" Amusement park types who get a little too into their roles skeeve me.

So the kids decide to visit the House of Mirrors. Really? The House of Mirrors? You can go to a Vampire Village, or, from the sound of howls, some kind of Werewolf encampment, but you choose something you could do at ANY AMUSEMENT PARK on the planet? (In the distance, I hear R.L. shrieking, "Don't listen to her, kids! The House of Mirrors is fun, interesting, and on budget--er, educational!")

A Horror shows them in, saying, "Reflect before you enter--no one may ever see you again!" Oh, man, R.L, I told you--puns don't make up for poor plot development! The kids go in and get separated. Lizzy finds herself in a part of the house that's got a checkered floor and is covered in mirrors. Creepy images pop out at random (yawn--come on, this was done to way better effect in Willy Wonka, am I right?) and then Lizzy can't see herself in the mirror. And then the walls start closing in.

The Morris pere and mere go to a snack shack to get something to eat. The Horror provides them with monster punches which he squeezes from out of his finger. (And I thought milk, which I refer to as glorified cow juice, was bad.)

Looking grossed out at the selection of beverages, the Morrises decline Monster Pudding.

Back to Lizzy and Luke. We cut in between shots of Lizzy screaming in the House of Mirrors and the Snack Shack Horror telling the parents that usually people don't let their kids go "running around" Horrorland and "I'm sure they'll be just fine." Oh, R.L. Stine, you mastered irony. Now how about plotting, characterization, and endings that don't try to make use of "twists"?

Lizzy falls through a long vortex-like tunnel, landing outside. What next? The Cantina? A Horrorland Horror asks her if she enjoyed the ride. Would she rate it a 5? What would make her experience at Horrorland truly...horrific?

Lizzy's brother runs up saying how awesome the ride was. Lizzy's pissed and wants to leave but Luke wants to go on. So they go on the Coffin Ride.

The Morris parents wait for their kids. Mrs. Morris sees a family shepherded into a building and points it out. "Honey, I just saw a family go in there...and they didn't look too happy." Yeah, well, that's how I felt about the Port-a-Johns at Six Flags. And about being led by my own teachers into the Crochet Your Own Cod Piece room at Colonial Billysburg.

On the Coffin Ride, the kids get into coffins that float away in the water. All goes well, till the coffins slam shut. Lizzy is shut up in a coffin away from her brother. She floats off while screaming and no one acknowledges her. Oh come on, Lizzy, is this any different from that weekend at Neverland Ranch? Fewer chimp bites at least.

Meanwhile, Luke finds himself shut up with a tarantula in his coffin.

I see the Horrorland Horrors went to the same Torture Retreat as the guys in charge of Guantanamo. He screams, but when the ride ends and the coffin opens, the spider is gone. The kids run off and find their parents who agree that this place is creepy. They try to get out of the park but when they get to what they think is the way out, they see a huge sign.

Ooh. Looks like the Horrors love Jean Paul Sartre. The monsters descend on them, as part 1 ends on a cliffhanger.

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of Apartment 214

2009-07-13T20:00:00.011-04:00

Kiki calls this story the Tale of Apartment 214 after some lame intro about how moving can be awesome. Also, Gary yells at Tucker for stealing the pouch of salt as a joke. You know, I love Gary but this sibling relationship really lacks of the finesse of the older Pete/younger Pete relationship.

Stacey and her mother have just moved into a new apartment because her parents are splitting up. As they move their belongings from the car, the manager, a guy with a thick Eastern European accent, tells them there's no parking. They argue with him and then he leaves. Damn, Stacey's mom has got it--no, no, I won't go there. But she is fine!

So, after move-in, Stacey, her mom, and their adorable schnauzer, Bugsy, adjust. Stacey finds it a little bizarre as she's always hearing weird noises from apartment 214. She meets a girl her age who lives in apartment 212 and asks if she wants to hang out.

Obnoxious girl is all, "Maybe." After all, she might have to go watch Blossom or something.

Finally one day, Stacey sees apartment 214 creak open and she goes inside. An old lady bustles into the living room with a tea set and says, "Well it's about time!" I shriek. Early onset dementia!

Turns out she's a painter named Madeleine Kegel who lives alone. Frank, her nephew, promised her she could live with him and his family but eventually his family got to be too big and she wasn't needed. Yeah, well, before you start feeling too sorry for the old bag, Stacey, what she's not telling you is that Frank was perfectly willing to take in Madeleine--but he drew the line at making all three of his kids share a room so she could have an extra two rooms to house her tea cosies from around the world and her collection of sofa doilies.

Madeleine tells Stacey that they have something in common. They're both passive aggressive shut ins? No, wait, Madeleine, that's just you. But she thinks they can be friends. A creepy old eccentric woman. A cute black girl? Friends? Well, worked for Liz and Jacko.

Stacey helps Madeleine with chores around the apartment. Oh, having a colored girl around to do the housework--it's like nothing's changed for Madeleine. The two of them enjoy taking tea together, too. Then one day, Madeleine asks for a favor. (How is this different from every other day you two spend together?)

Oh, dear god, either Stacey's mom pulled a Fraulein Maria and has started making her child's clothing out of the curtains or Madeleine's been giving her fashion advice. Madeleine asks Stacey if she'll drop by the next day. Stacey asks what's wrong and Madeleine says, "Nothing. It's just a day on which I'd prefer not to be alone." Oh, Maddy, did you take your Ambien and Ex-Lax at the same time and forget to replenish your supply of Oops I Crapped My Pants again?

Stacey agrees and Madeleine tells her tomorrow she'll have a surprise to give her. Stacey's thought bubble: If the surprise is ginger snaps, don't expect any looks of amazement because I do your shopping, Grandma Moses.

The next afternoon, the girl who lives in 212 shows up with some Battle of the Bands tickets, and invites Stacey to come along. Stacey looks reluctant. But her friend tells her this is a big deal, and Stacey decides to go hang out with an actual factual teenager for once. You know, Stacey, Madeleine probably goes to bed at 4:30. Just stop by, bring her some prunes, commiserate on the state of "Kids these days," ask after her bowel movements, and you're good to go. But Stacey heads out with her friend.

Up in the window, Grandma Moses stares down at Stacey and starts making plans to boil her schnauzer. Later, Stacey comes home after a fun time. She hears Madeleine sobbing and goes inside. You broke your promise!" she shrieks.

Congrats, Madeleine, you just made the woman in room 237 of the Overlook Hotel look warm and fuzzy by comparison. Stacey puts on the lights and the woman disappears. Oh shut up, Maddy, if she didn't get some time to herself, she'd snap, and you read about what happened to Brooke Astor. Old biddies need to realize that not everyone finds their collection of cat statues that look like Taft interesting. But seriously, Stacey, I'd go check on your dog.

The door slams shut locking Stacey in. Eastern European stereotype opens it, asking what's wrong, and she runs out. Stacey runs into her own apartment, screaming. She explains what happened but her mother says that it doesn't make sense that the woman just disappeared into thin air. They go ask the manager about the old lady and he tells them that no one has lived there for years.

Kiki narrates that it just doesn't make sense. No, Kiki, it only makes no sense for those viewers who have either never read Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, never been to summer camp, or aren't allowed to watch cable TV. So for those pale, home-schooled, shut-ins, this episode's twist should pose a real treat. Kiki tells us that time passes and that Stacey will have to learn to live with the guilt. Wait, hold up. Guilt? Come on. It's not as if Stacey forgot to visit her. It was still light out when she came by to visit with Madeleine. Was there some rule she had to spend the whole day with the old bat? Madeleine really wields guilt like a weapon--she's like the Old Testament God and a Jewish Holocaust survivor mom all rolled into one scary little old lady.

Then one night, Stacey's mom makes plans to go out, leaving Stacey alone.

Man, Stacey's mom has got it going on! Yeah, I said I wouldn't, but c'mon! The woman has the put togetherness of Mrs. Huxtable without the stick up her ass, the good looks of Nichelle Nicholls without the intimidating factor, and the grace of Diana Ross without the crazy. Stacey's mother tells her she's going to go meet with Stacey's dad/her ex at a restaraunt.

Stacey snuggles with her adorable dog while reading a book. There's a knock on the door. She sees Madeleine through the peephole and relieved to see her old friend, opens the door.

Relief? I've never been so frightened to see an old person since that Mrs. Wakefield episode of King of the Hill. (Or since the time I read The Witches as a child and screamed every time I saw an old lady with gloves. My dad really regretted taking me to the company cotillion that year.) But when Stacey opens the door, there's no old lady.

Stacey goes to apartment 214. The apartment's completely bare...except for a creepy paint by numbers painting of Stacey and Madeleine:

Oops, sorry:

She looks around and suddenly the apartment is furnished. Oh, don't look so surprised, I've seen more amazing things since I've started watching HGTV. Then Madeleine is standing before her. Stacey gasps. Madeleine: "You promised to visit me! I didn't want to be alone on that day and you didn't come!" Madeleine explains it was an anniversary. "On that day is the day I died!"

Stacey flees to her own apartment and the old lady slips a note under that says Why did you break your promise?

Ugh. Someone send that note to this blog, please. Stacey runs into the hall and the lights go off. The manager appears and she tries to explain about the old lady. The manager tells her no one lives there because every time he shows the apartment something weird happens and people get scared.

Then the cute little dog, Bugsy, runs down the hall. He enters apartment 214. Not wanting to wait for Madeleine to get all, "I will not be ignored, ~~Dan~~Stacey," Stacey calls her dog back. She goes after him into Madeleine's House of Tchotchke where she finds the dog in a closet. "You broke your promise!" wails Madeleine. "Like my nephew!"

Wait just a second. You said your nephew wouldn't let you move in because he had a big family! If the reason you're living here is because you're actually dead, then, dude. Your nephew obviously doesn't think that Psycho and A Rose for Emily involve the proper way of dealing with dead family members.

"I wasn't trying to be mean--I just wanted to make a new friend," says Stacey. Friend? Oh, that Saved by the Bell reject. I wait for the old lady to respond with Oh, poor you! because something tells me she comes from the Livia Soprano school of passive aggression. Stacey, finally, stands up for herself, and mentions that she came over after the concert. "But it was too late." No, it wasn't! You two could still celebrate deathday and make cookies or whatever it is you were planning.

The old hag tells Stacey it's important to make friends. Then she says, "I won't bother you anymore." Yeah, you know, I'll just sit in my rocking chair, listening to the Andrews Sisters, drawing pictures of you. Stacey asks if she's really dead and shouldn't she have moved on? No, Madeleine's too old to move on. And that's why she won't let anyone into her home and no one can move in. Forget calling in Beetlejuice and Handbook for the Recently Deceased--the Maitlands should have gotten this lady in when they wanted the Deitzes out of their house.

Madeleine says that no one wants her. I wonder why. She cries and says she doesn't want to go and Stacey tells her she won't have to.

Turns out that Stacey got her mother to agree to move into 214 (it's a lot cheaper and bigger). Goddamnit, Stacey, you're sweet, but take a note from Haley Joel Osment when it comes to dealing with the other worldly--sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind. So now, all Stacey, her mother, and Madeleine all live together and presumably listen to Harry Belafonte every time Stacey aces a test. Well, living with old people has its benefits--rent controlled apartments!

Yeah, all well and good. Till Stacey's mother reunites with her ex-husband:

Gary tells the gang, and us, to stay tuned because next week, Betty Ann's friend, Sam, will come by to tell her story and hopefully be allowed into the group. And we all know where that leads! Gary's first crush.

I blame this episode for the reason why I wanted to stop doing community service at the local nursing home. My theory? It was probably written by an aging scriptwriter as a passive aggressive bid to get her kids to build her an add-on so she wouldn't have to move into a retirement community.

Goosebumps: My Hairiest Adventure

2009-07-06T15:30:00.006-04:00

If you're wondering if this is the one where it turns out that the kids are all dogs because a creepy scientist told a bunch of people he could turn their dogs into children...then yes. Yes, it is. And no, you don't get to yell at me for giving away the ending because by getting it over with right away, I saved you a lot of anguish. Like ripping the band aid off, not peeling it slowly.

We open on our hero, Larry, who narrates as he runs down the street. He tells us that he's not supposed to run because of "allergies" but that he's always being chased by dogs for no real reason. He climbs a tree to get away.

These are the most well groomed "wild dogs" ever. It's the canine equivalent of being chased down by a pack of Slim Shady look alikes in the suburbs. The tree branch Larry's sitting on snaps and he falls to the ground. He lands and they peer at him, bewildered. Come on, Larry! Dominate them! Be the pack leader! Larry shields himself with a guitar case festooned with stickers.

The cliches, the painfully penned homilies, they burn! Doubly so if he has a picture of an alien head or a BELIEVE IN YOURSELF sticker. (I wonder if he borrowed them from Ghostwriter's Lenni. But since there aren't any peace signs, I'm going to conclude no.)

Lily, Larry's best friend, shows up, rehabilitates the dogs, trains the humans, and the canines scram.

Larry foreshadows that Lily always wears a gold coin around her neck and she has two different colored eyes. Oh, R.L., your writing shines as ever. Why show us two differently colored eyes when you can just tell us about them? [Note to R.L., if Lily's also a dog, how come dogs don't chase her? is it because she bought Be the Pack Leader by Cesar Millan?] Lily teases Larry and the two head off to band practice.

This is more of a garage band, except they need about 45% more flannel. The gang is practicing for their newest gig, an audition for a kid's birthday party. They're all pretty nervous about it, though considering that the competition is John Wayne Gacy in clown-face, I wouldn't worry. Larry tells us that they practice at the Duncans' house--a family who moved out so quickly that they forgot to shut the electricity off. He also tells us that there are a lot of empty houses in the neighborhood for some reason. Not that that's, like, suspicious or anything, you know.

The band bites (see, I can make painfully obvious puns and awkward stabs at foreshadowing--where are my residuals, damnit?), but they make up for it with tie-dyed shirts, blue electric guitars, and a pretty girl to shake her...tambourine. (Yeah, that seems to be the extent of Lily's role.)

Larry tells the others that their music sucks. Jared thinks they're pretty good, as he rocks his keyboard solo (I wait for Jared to tell us how much he loves Neil Peart and how underrated Billy Ray Cyrus is).

Then Manny reaches over and finds a bottle of Insta-Tan and tells them they can look tan for their music gig.

(Okay, remind me again, why is the black kid the one most excited about tanning? Is someone covering up early onset vitiligo?) Lily, Manny, and Jared start rubbing the lotion on their skin (guess they're afraid of getting the hose again).

Larry warns the kids against using the tan lotion because they don't know where it's been. If I'd heard that little warning a few years ago, I wouldn't have herpes. In the words of guidance counselor Jeff Rosso, it doesn't hurt that much, but believe me, you don't want it.

Jared calls Larry "Hairy Larry" and mocks him for being a wimp. In a testament to how kids everywhere should stand up against peer pressure, Larry grabs the lotion and starts rubbing. (R.L.: "Uh, um, well, you see, we were going to add more dialogue there where Larry tries to stand up to his friends and their teasing, but we had to cut it for the Goosebumps action figure spots. Want a Haunted Mask figurine?" No, but I'll take a couple of Creeps and a Slappy.) Then Manny tells the others that the lotion is expired. It says, "CAUTION: Do not use after 1991." (No, that's what Jared's shirt says, and it's 1971, but close enough.)

Larry freaks then starts screaming about his skin coming off. He holds out his peeling arm. Then he starts laughing and says it's just paper towels, finishing it off with that classic 90s riposte, "PSYCH!" The others surround Larry about to spray him with cans of soda. (Replace soda with foam and this band could be huge. You guys should have copyrighted spraying stuff at people, and you could have been bigger than Jesus! Or the Jonas Brothers at any rate.)

But all of a sudden, Larry starts panting and collapses. Great foreshadowing. You know, for how the plot is going to collapse like the Shamwow guy's career. Next scene, Larry's lying on his bed, with his doctor, Dr. Murkin, giving him a shot. Apparently, it's another allergy thing and Larry has to make an effort to run less.

Note to Larry's parents--try to avoid a doctor who's named after the word for pubic wigs. Although, I have to wonder, was someone being clever ("Murkin"/merkin/in a story about hair, or did R.L. Stine just get lucky?)

Later that night, Larry experiences more hair growth as he pets his cat, Jasper. He freaks out and ends up spending a lot of time in the bathroom that night as his mom knocks on the door and asks what's wrong. (And I shudder as I realize I know WAY too much about R.L.'s troubled adolescence.)

The next day, Larry catches up with Lily and asks her if she's experienced any odd hair growth. She replies, "No," and he's all, "Uh, me neither, I was just wondering if you did. Also, did you ever think Bugs Bunny was hot when he was in drag?" Lily invites Larry for dinner that night, and he agrees, even though her parents will be there. The two of them decide to go past Jared's place since they haven't heard from him in a while. But when they get there, the house is empty and a real estate agent tells them that the house is up for sale and that the family has moved. Incidentally, there's a pretty huge error here. The two of them act like they're here to talk to Manny Hernandez (the black kid). Except that later in the episode, Larry ends up seeing what I assume is Manny's father and little brother (they're black) but he refers to his friend as "Jared." So I'm assuming the writers mixed up Jared and Manny and figured no one would care. Except for me.

Cut to the next scene--dinner at Lily's place. Larry realizes he's growing more hair as he reaches for some corn and pulls back. Too bad you're not wearing long sleeves that could cover your hair growth. Oh, wait. I sigh and decide to attribute the ineptness of the costume girl to the fact that she was probably screwing R.L.'s son or something.

Then Larry notices a tuft of hair in the corn cob that Lily's dad is eating. He knocks it out of his hand, exclaiming, "Corn worms! Deadly." I'm officially never eating corn again. Larry goes to hand Lily's father some more corn, but then looks down at his arm and realizes he's channeling Robin Williams.

Moaning, "Where's the bathroom?" he looks anguished and heads upstairs to manscape. And this is the most awkward "Meet the parents" scene since the time I met my (now ex) SO's extended family and got to hear Grandma tell me how she still got it on. Shudder. Hey, don't you think Ben Stiller watched this meet-your-SO's-parents-scene and thought, "Brilliant--this could be a feature length movie!" And that's how we got Reality Bites.

In the bathroom, Larry looks for shaving paraphernalia and finds nothing. I'm disappointed. This whole scene could have been great advertising for Nair. Or Nads. Or Epil Stop and Spray. Larry heads out a window onto the balcony. (Yes, a guest bathroom that leads out onto a balcony. Could this family get any worse at exterior design?)

For no real reason, the dogs are circling underneath yet again. Larry realizes he's in a tough bind. He nervously calls out, "What's for dessert?" "Tapioca." Well, it'll probably be the sweetest tapioca you ever eat, Larry, am I right?

Larry mulls his options. "Total embarrassment or a pack of savage dogs." Oh, come on. These dogs? They're the Snoopies of the dog bully world. Mildly annoying and that Red Baron act is so four decades ago, but get me Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and then we'll talk. Larry thinks, "I HATE tapioca." He manages to lose the dogs and heads home. He checks himself in the mirror before he wrecks himself.

Larry, a word--pull up your goddamn pants, white boy, the tan lotion hasn't kicked in yet. In other news, how long do you think before this picture ends up circulating among the NAMBLA mailing group?

Then he pulls up his pants leg and...THE HAIRINESS.

Oh, come on. I'm female. I went to an all girls' college and I saw way worse than this in our locker room every week. Grow hair long enough to dreadlock or Jheri curl, then we'll talk. Larry starts screaming, either in fright at the hair or in the hopes that John Hughes will see this and cast him in the latest Home Alone.

The kindly old doctor shows up and Larry spills the beans about the Insta tan lotion. But the good doctor points out that this probably wasn't the work of the tan lotion. After all, if tanning lotion could grow hair, we'd have a cure for baldness. (Somewhere, Phil Spector's face falls.) The doctor concludes that it's probably nerves because of the gig that the garage band has coming up. Larry notices the hair is gone the next morning.

On his way to school, he sees a dog barking yet again. Great. But this time it's a cute, mild-mannered dog wearing a coin around its neck with two different colored eyes.

"Lily?" he says, and the dog takes off. Then he approaches Lily's parents who are packing up to go and they deny ever having a daughter called Lily and pretend they don't know him. They tell him, "There is no mafia--everything in this family comes from the work I do!" I mean, er, there is no Lily.

Larry goes home and tries to tell his parents. "Gold coins are not uncommon," spouts Larry's dad. (On a DOG? Then again, I once saw my aunt's dog sporting a pearl necklace at his one year birthday party, so who am I to judge? And no, it wasn't that kind of pearl necklace, although honestly, that would be less creepy.) "And lots of dogs have different colored eyes," says his mother. Larry tells them about Lily's parents.

His mother points out that he must have misunderstood what Lily's parents told him. Poor Larry. Parents just don't understand! His mother offers him some roast beef and he yells, "I don't want food! I want answers!" (Man, if Russell Crowe hadn't landed the title role in The Insider, it would definitely have gone to Hairy Larry.) Larry hurls his guitar case down and takes off, and somewhere, hipsters everywhere groan, clutch their Les Pauls, and clap their hands to bring back Larry's shattered guitar.

Larry's parents call after him to be careful. His mother warns him to watch for cars. (Yeah, they didn't even try to make this one scary, did they.) Larry narrates as he runs, thinking that this must all be the fault of the Insta-tan lotion. Yup, way to remind the reader of the red herring. He goes to the garage where the band practices, hoping he can talk to Jared (stupid writers, Jared is the dumbass white kid!), only to hear barking. (Ooh, did you guys manage to hire Vince Neil?) I'm just going to refer to this new dog as Jared/Manny because I'm so confused about who Jared really is meant to be. Is he black or white?

Jared/Manny's father and little brother are sitting there with a black dog (is he gonna make me sweat, make me groove?).

"It's about time," says Jared/Manny's dad. (The fuck? You JUST told us that the Duncans lived here. Why is Jared/Manny's family here?) Then Larry tells us that the audition is today. So...did Manny/Jared's family bring him over or what? I love that the dog is black, just like his family. If there had been a Chinese boy, would he have become a yellow colored dog, or would he have morphed into a pug or a Pekingese or something?

Then the little boy runs to his father and looks frightened. And then Larry begins to sprout hair again. Considering that Jared/Manny's dad knows what's going on at his point, the fact that he doesn't say anything officially makes him a dick.

Larry runs home and screams for his parents.

So did the special effects people watch a Teen Wolf marathon the weekend before shooting? Then we go to a POV shot of Larry's parents looking at him in the living room. His dad offers him a cookie.

"Hel-LO? Get a clue. How 'bout a steak," says dog-Larry. Oh yeah, because tonguing your own feces encrusted balls is fine, but god forbid you should chow down on a cookie. Sorry, I'm just so sick and tired of these entitled trust fund living, purse inhabiting toy dogs. Larry breaks down and takes the cookie and his parents tell him how cute he is.

Then we cut to the same shot from the opening credits of the dog on the porch, with Larry narrating, "Now this seems familiar."

(Meta humor. Is there anything you can't do, R.L.?) Larry explains what's happened. "Excuse me," he tells us, "I like to snack," as the dog heads over and eats from his dog bowl. (My theory--they could only do this shot in one take and they wanted to have the dog looking at us as he explained, but the dog had other ideas and decided to go grab some food so they decided to write in that "snack" line as a voice-over. This is what happens when you can't afford a dog like Moose on Frasier and have to settle for a dog who's got Look Who's Talking Now stand-in and dog at the pound in Beethoven on his resume.)

Turns out Dr. Murkin came up with a way to turn dogs into humans (hence all the shots for Larry and the weird allergies--Larry wasn't perfected) for barren people who weren't content with dressing their dogs in baby clothes and putting them in cribs. The experiment didn't work and the humans are all now dogs. Lily, Manny, and Jared come over and hang out all the time now, and it's just like old times.

The doctor suddenly pulls up in a car and Larry freaks because old Doc Moreau is holding a baby. "Welcome to your new home, Jasper." "Jasper?" Larry asks. "The cat?" he reminds us. "MY Jasper?"

"Here we go again!" says Larry. Oh, scientists, will you ever learn? Well, on the plus side, Larry's parents can probably win thousands of dollars on the Ugly Babies of America circuit.

Well, that was horrifying. I'm off to go play with my Goosebumps action figure.

Goosebumps: Attack of the Jack O'Lanterns

2009-06-25T13:00:00.006-04:00

Hello, I'm Sadako. I write the Goosebumps recaps. Yes, this is just a costume. See? I can get into the Halloween spirit, too. On tonight's recap, our characters learn a very important lesson on why you shouldn't waste your special effects budget on candy and hookers. Have fun, and I'll see you after the recap.

We open up on our main characters. Walker and Drew are hanging out, thinking about what to do for Halloween. Drew extols the virtues of Halloween. "It's okay, I guess," simpers Walker, probably wondering if he's got enough bread to head downtown to the Village Parade and do it up in style. Drew and pretty much every television, movie, or book character ever says, "Okay? It's the one time you get to be someone else." (And of course, by someone else, we mean a sluttier, cleavage baring, fishnet wearing someone else. Yeah, I'm sick of spending Halloween in Girl World, thanks for asking.)

The two are still stuck on Halloween plans. Walker proposes the carnival at school. Walker's so cute and socially awkward. He's like an adorable clumsy puppy who pees on your leg and then looks vaguely pleased with himself.

Walker asks Drew if she's at all nervous about going out. Drew replies that that was miles away. Anyway, nothing's really going to happen so Walker should just stop worrying. Yeah, but isn't that what you said about how you guys could get free Hydrox cookies at the NAMBLA meeting as long as you left before lots were drawn, and look who had to take an ass pounding that night. The conversation progresses to costumes. Drew tells Walker to go as a ninja, and he thinks he'd look stupid. You and every other hipster who thinks he's being original. Just go as a zombie pirate and be done with it.

In the background, we can see that something or someone is so stalking Walker and Drew. Is it E.T.? A pissed Sadako demanding a better special effects budget? No, it's Shane and Shauna, Drew's friends from out of town who used to live here, back for a visit of the old neighborhood.

Drew introduces them to Walker. There's some awkward conversation, worlds colliding, etc. Then something leaps out. But it's just Tabitha and Lee, the resident bullies, dressed as werewolves. The others are terrified.

In their defense, these costumes are better than the costumes for The Werewolf of Fever Swamp and Werewolf Skin. (Actually, these costumes are more realistic than the costumes used for the genuinely "scary" parts of this episode. Why the fuck did you guys squander the special effects budget on faux werewolves?!) Tabitha and Lee laugh at them and then leave.

Walker and Drew explain how last year, Tabitha and Lee came to their Halloween party pretending to be burglars which they seem to think is about the sickest joke ever. (Sicker than the time I tried to stick a clothes hanger up my crotch, going as pre Roe v. Wade America?) But Shane and Shauna have an awesome way to get back at Tabitha and Lee. (Please let it be the Knock Knock joke that ends with "Orange you glad I didn't say banana?"!)

Cut to Drew calling Tabitha to arrange for them to all go trick or treating together. She tells Walker that the kids didn't suspect a thing. Then Tabitha turns to Lee and says she thinks that Drew is up to something. King of dramatic irony you are, Stine.

Then there's a dream sequence where the ending got edited out. It starts off with Tabitha, Lee, Walker, and Drew going trick or treating at an old person's house.

Going by the book, apparently the dream ends with them walking in to see that the old people have trapped lots of trick or treaters. (Yeah, I once visited a nursing home around Halloween time when I was in middle school, too. No, I haven't stopped shuddering.) Here it just ends with Drew waking up in a cold sweat after going inside the house. Why remove the ending? Probably because it besmirched the elderly. To make up for not getting to see evil old people, I just played the youtube clip of "I've fallen and I can't get up" about a thousand times because the only thing better than evil old people is clumsy old people. And that's a fact.

Costume time! Drew is Super Drew. Laame.

Were they all out of Scary Spice costumes at J-Mart, Drew? Anyway, Drew's mother gets overprotective and says she doesn't want her daughter out on Halloween since the report of those four people who went missing last night. Drew argues that that was miles away, and besides, going by CNN, she's not in the chief demographic for missing people (rich, white, blonde, governor of South Carolina).

Meanwhile, there's a cut to someone with oven mitts reading a copy of the newspaper in the woods and then placing it on the ground.

Yeah, I worry about paper cuts, too. All right, all right, that's supposed to be some kind of monster with a pumpkin head. The voiceover has Drew's dad reassuring his wife that Drew will be just fine since she'll be in a group of friends and that Mrs. Drew shouldn't worry. Ooh, more irony! Someone's been digging into the Russian writers, eh, Stine?

Walker shows up at Drew's place dressed in black, saying he's a dark and stormy night.

Drew's dad is all, "I thought you said you were bringing a white boy home! I don't see a white boy! I see a damn fool!" Wait, no, that was an ~~outtake~~ Seinfeld clip. Drew Pere says, "I see the dark but not the stormy." Walker squirts Daddy Drew (with a mini squirt gun, get that other image out of your head).

Dad goes, "To think, I was this close to landing Carl Winslow on Family Matters--surely a role where my prowess could be appreciated without having to be constantly lambasted by a nerdy half pint." Wait, no, outtakes again. He says, "Well, now I don't have to take a shower." And the two head out after promising Mother Drew that they'll stay together (whether times are good or bad or happy or sad, yeaaaah).

Outside, Drew and Walker meet up with Tabitha and Lee.

Tabitha's a princess in a spacesuit. Lee seems to be dressed as the Joe Pesci character from Goodfellas, but in a spacesuit. Hmmm. She's a space suited princess. He's a space suited guido. They fight crime. Before Drew and Walker arrive, Tabitha shows Lee the newspaper clipping of the missing people and tells him that they have to prank Drew and Walker before they themselves are pranked. Pre-emptive pranking! I love it.

Shane and Shauna haven't shown yet and Drew wants to wait for them. Our space suited companions are all for ditching Shane and Shauna. The kids set off while Drew worries. Then all of a sudden...screaming pumpkinheads leap out and scare them.

They want to go trick or treating. "If you want to trick or treat, come with us. We know a better place. A better place," chant the pumpkin heads. "A better place! A better place!" "Helter Skelter!" I try to chime in. What? Mine has rhyme, nuance, plus a dual Beatles/Manson reference. Anyway, what kind of better place? Compared to what? I'm skeptical. Is it like Jonestown/drink the Flavor-aid better place or is it breathtakingly horrible like when they promised us that a trip to Williamsburg, Virginia in 7th grade would be way better than Busch Gardens?

Tabby and Lee think it's funny and that Shane and Shauna are awesome, but Drew is creeped out. She starts thinking that it's not really Shane or Shauna, that these pumpkinheads aren't human. The kids move on to this new better place and proceed to trick or treat their hearts out.

Considering the better place has Kit-Kats the size of my head (and I make those bobble headed Bratz dolls look like pinheads), I'm sold. The kids are in candy heaven. As they run off, one of the people who gave them candy stares at them and then her head turns into a pumpkinhead. (Yeah, this makes NO sense if you know how it ends.)

Drew thinks it's weird that they're the only kids here. Then Tabitha proclaims that it's getting late and wants to go home.

The pumpkinheads go all Anna Wintour in Devil Wears Prada on her, and refuse to let her leave unless she produces the next Twilight manuscript for the little Pumpkinbrats at home. (Damn, if only we carved stuff out of little blackberries and not pumpkins, I could have made a stellar joke about crackberry heads or something.)

"More houses!" chant the Pumpkinheads. Tabitha lifts off one of the Pumpkinhead's heads (God, why didn't Anne Hathaway just try that in that godawful movie? I would have had to sit through a lot less crap) and there's nothing there and it still shrieks, "More houses!" (Wow, just like my parents' real estate agent that one time.) It uses its claw to zap another pumpkin into shreds. (Also like their estate agent.)

"We want you to trick or treat forever! Now go!" The kids run away.

Then it's ironic punishment time as the pumpkinheads make the kids trick or treat all night. You know, like the time your parents discovered you smoking and made you smoke the whole carton? (The ironic punishment being having to pay for your kid's nicotine patch.)

The kids are tired and beg to be allowed to stop because they can't carry any thing more. Pumpkinhead 1 empties the bag and says, "Now it's empty. More houses!" Also, Mau! Didimau! Tabitha figures out that these Jack o'Lantern things must have kidnapped the missing people. Oh, the audience does love a slow learner. Then they make a break for it.

In the woods, there's a showdown and the Pumpkinheads go all, "One of us!" and threaten to turn the kids into Pumpkinheads.

Tabitha and Lee run away. Then the Pumpkinheads morph back into Shane and Shauna. "It was you!" says Drew in relief. "I mean, at first I thought it was you, but then I didn't."

Walker is confused, understandably. Shane and Shauna explain that they're really aliens (yes, Drew knew this all along). Well, duh. They're always either aliens or ghosts or the feverish imaginings of an autistic four year old child holding a snow globe of St. Eligius Hospital. The kids cackle over how they got Tabitha and Lee real good.

What do Shane and Shauna really look like? They whip off their human heads to reveal...

Okay, really? REALLY? Yes, in case you're wondering, I grilled R.L. Stine about this at Book Expo 09.

"So...what's up with the weirdass aliens in this episode? Was that your true artistic vision for the aliens?"

"Kid, I'm a deadline away from writing a book about haunted deli meat. Artistic vision went down the toilet when I managed to squeeze out four books on haunted GAK."

"Aw, come on."

"I was hoping for something more like this but the Estate of Gene Rodenberry had other ideas. Plus, it was either shiny latex alien suits or dental insurance that year. But then I found these sock puppets my son Matt made when he was seven and going through his Beeker from the Muppets stage. We glued them to the actors' heads and the rest is history." Then Stine's lawyer stepped up and I ran away to go get the Amazing Kreskin's autograph.

Drew offers the twins some candy for the road. But it turns out they only eat plump adults and they already ate a four course meal earlier (who didn't see that coming?). Shane and Shauna tell Walker and Drew not to eat too much because they will be back next year. So, you know, don't bulk up, kids! (Methinks they befriended the wrong Drew.) Drew and Walker look horrified as the aliens depart. This episode brought to you in part by the pro-ana guild of America.

No, R.L. Stine. Writing in a character named Drew does not make this ending any more Spielberg-esque.

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of Old Man Corcoran

2009-06-18T17:00:00.009-04:00

[Apologies in advance for the poor quality of the screenshots. When it's dark, it's hard to see what's going down.]

Kiki's telling the story tonight. "Hide and seek is not like any other game. You start off in a group but when you're out there in the dark, you're all alone. You've gotta hide and be real quiet because you never know when somebody might jump out and catch you." That kind of sounds like what life was like at the Keaton residence when drunk old Uncle Ned came for a visit, but okay, whatever.

Open up on two kids. Kenny and his older brother Jack have moved on up to the suburbs from the 'hood.

Here, they're free to squirt each other with supersoakers on Astroturf to their heart's content. Remember the early 90s? When life was a gigantic supersoaker commercial? All they need is a Slip n Slide, and the American Dream is achieved. No more yearning for that green light, yo.

Some kids pull up on bikes. Lead kid walks over to them and asks to know where they're from. They reply with a measure of pride, "East side."

"Nice neighborhood," cracks Whitey. Oh, Kiki, leave it to you to inject some racial tension into a story.

Jack thinks the new town is a loser neighborhood. Whitey invites the kids to come play hide and go seek with them at midnight. How deliciously unwholesome, like flying a kite at night. "We've been looking for a couple of tokens, and well, we think you'd be perfect way to fulfill our community outreach program at the same time."

The kids are reluctant. I mean, this isn't nearly as cool as the time they dared their Oreo cousin to spend a weekend in Compton. But they're eager to make friends. Whitey gives them directions and at midnight, they show up...at a graveyard.

They wander through the graveyard till Whitey pops up with a "Boo!" and requisite "Oh, you should have seen your faces!" Yeah, but you should see YOUR face next week when you walk into your office and the rest of the gang has put a Chinaman there. Whitey calls "Ollie Ollie Oxen free!" and the others come out.

Whitey rattles off a long list of names, ending with Sissy Vernon, a pale butch Kiki wannabe. She asks the new kids if they aren't scared and they aren't, because everyone's dead here. Sissy replies, "Kind of," and then launches into an explanation of the ghost of Old Man Corcoran.

So, Creepy Old Man Corcoran used to be the groundskeeper, and he used to dig all the graves by hand, no machines. He also patrolled the grounds to make sure no one was there. He had a harmonica and was supposedly crazy. The legend goes that he caught a kid stealing and cut his hand off with an axe. (Apologies to Boo Radley there. C'mon, you know Harper Lee is spending her days monitoring stuff like this so she can go, "Thought of it first! Pass me my scones.")

Anyway, one day when Old Man C was digging a grave, it caved in, burying him alive. But his ghost still walks and you can hear him playing his old mouth organ and considering that when this episode aired, tickets to see Alanis playing harmonica on One Hand in My Pocket in concert were probably $100 a pop, I'd go with sneaking into the graveyard myself.

Jack and Kenny opine that the story blows. Jack says his grandma's scarier, and Kenny pipes in with, "Yeah, you should try living in our old neighborhood." If Kenny and Jack's grandma bears any resemblance to Madea, I'm with them.

Jack wants to know long how Sissy could last in the 'hood. And I say well, that depends, are we battling Samuel L. Jackson's homeless psycho from Coming to America or is this more of a cerebral I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings/The Bluest Eye type situation, and I feel the glares of all the kids on me.

The game starts. Jack and Kenny go to hide but then they start to hear a harmonica. They figure it's someone pranking on them and they decide to prank the prankers. They see what they think is Old Man Corcoran's shack. They hide behind a stump. We hear someone hacking away with an ax. Kenny says, "You think they brought an ax out here just to play a joke on us?" "That's what I would do," his brother responds. Um, well, yeah and the town's probation officer really wants to have a little talk with you about that. No, but if Ashton Kutcher ever tries to prank me, I really want Jack with me.

They see a harmonica on top of the stump and then hear someone coming. We see a hand grabbing the harmonica.

Kenny and Jack leave. They hear someone scream "Ollie Ollie Oxen Free" and they run straight into...

They run to the fence. Kenny almost doesn't make it over.

Hurry, Timmy, they're going to turn the power on! Well, he makes it in time, ripping his pants.

Next scene. The garage. The boys are sweeping up because they got into trouble for Kenny ripping his pants the night before. (Just tell Mom Jack got a little exuberant, okay?) Kenny says he wishes they never moved here and Jack tells him not to say that because, "Mom would do a lot to get us out of the old neighborhood." Kenny starts to protest and I'm with him--c'mon, he got in one little fight and his mom got scared...oh, er, the whitest kids you know are back and want them to play again.

Sissy Vernon accuses them of being chickens.

They retort, "We're not!" (uh, no, the proper answer is, "I'm not a chicken, you're a turkey," gawd). Marshall says, "Vernon just told you that story to scare you off. She doesn't want anyone else joining the group." Yeah, swarthy Ron Jacobson is the only token she'll stand for around here.

The kids convince Jack and Kenny to come. Little bro is reluctant. "Aw, c'mon, Alfie, let's just play with Goo instead." Oops, wrong Nick show. "This isn't about making friends anymore, Kenny," Jack intones solemnly. "This is about proving we can handle it." Yeah, well, Jack, that's what you said the time we had to bake a dozen dozen of cupcakes for the Black Panther Bake Sale back in the old neighborhood and we still got our asses capped because they were vanilla cupcakes.

Later in the graveyard, Sissy doesn't want to invite outsiders into the cabal. Marshall wants new blood. They get a discount for every nonwhite, remember, and Ron here isn't cutting the mustard anymore. No offense, Ron, still doing the group's taxes this year? You're a gem.

They play and Jack and Kenny both have to be IT together. But Jack has a plan of his own: to steal the harmonica so they can prove that Old Man Corcoran does exist. You know, lift from a guy who supposedly cut off a boy's hand for theft. God, I hope your mother does a better job with the driving while black lessons. Somewhere, Bill Cosby's hurling boxes of jigglers and screaming about how Jack's discrediting his people. Kenny wants to use teamwork and invite the others, but Jack's all, "Don't be an Uncle Tom." I kind of was hoping Cinar would sneak in a Booker T. Washington vs. W.E.B. DuBois debate here about the issue of black separatism, but no dice.

The brothers spy on Old Man Corcoran's retreating form. Aw, coveralls that don't quite cover all. They hide behind the stump. Old Man Corcoran comes back and takes his mouth organ. Jack's pissed because he wants that harmonica. (Okay, I agree, white people really shouldn't sing the blues, but we can get you your own mouth organ at the dollar store, c'mon!) Kenny knows he's the main character but he's not taking any chances. (He's a token called Kenny for chrissake!) Despite Jack's anger, Kenny knows he could be red shirted and gets the hell out of dodge.

Our Angry Young Man puts on a flashlight and dramas, "If I die, it's his fault." Shut up, Jack. Old Man C may not be allowed to sing the blues but you aren't allowed to go emo on me. Now get in there, get the harmonica and let's go.

He sneaks into the house, his flashlight now out. He stumbles around the house and accidentally switches on some old timey music. Then when he turns around, he sees Kenny who found the harmonica. The flashlight's now inexplicably on. Jack takes the harmonica and asks for the flashlight, except Kenny's not holding it. "If I'm not holding the flashlight..." "P-p-p-pirate ghosts!" No, more like, "Give me my harmonica!"

It's Old Man Corcoran asserting his property rights! Quote some anti capitalist Malcolm X screed at him and let's hit the dirt.

Shrieking, the boys run into Sissy hiding in a grave. She's not interested in their triumph over the Man(TM) and tells them to git. Uh, aren't they supposed to be IT? Where's the writer? Off smoking a bowl with Corky?

They leave, Kenny telling Sissy he didn't see her name on the grave. Sissy's all, "Well look a little closer next time." You tell 'em, Sissy. Also have you ever looked at a floating plastic bag in the wind? I mean...like, really looked?

Then they run into Marshall who's hiding in another grave and try to tell him how they stole from a poor white living impaired night laborer to give to some rich white kids.

Marshall's all, "Yeah, but I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance." He tells them to get into the grave with him (dude! writers! they are IT! they don't need to hide) but just then, Old Man Corcoran comes up behind them.

He wants to know what's up. They say they were playing hide and go seek and he's all, "Alone?" Ooh, I bet you guys would get extra diversity points for adding axe wielding old guy.

They list the names of their friends and he tells them that's not funny, that those kids are all dead and he buried them himself.

"What's the matter? You look like you've just seen a ghost." And I hear the fap fap sounds of a young M. Night Shyamalan coming to an epiphany. "Brilliant! People who seem alive can really be dead! And people who seem to live in the past can live in the present. And scrunks and narfs can make up for a lack of a plot!" Yeah, that's a good twist, M. Night, but a really good twist would be if it turned out that the old neighborhood that Ma so desperately wanted to get Jack and Kenny out of was Darien, Connecticut.

The Midnight Society kids think this story was awesome. They're all up for a game of Hide and Seek and everyone says "Not it" (except Gary, inexplicably absent, who probably wet his pants in fear at the thought of more minorities infiltrating his group and went home). Frank is it and the kids go off to play again.

Hope you enjoyed that. Now taking suggestions for any future episodes you guys want recapped.

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Midnight Madness

2009-06-11T20:30:00.004-04:00

We open up on the Midnight Society. Kiki and David announce that tonight is Fright Night at the Majestic and they want to get the story out of the way so they can use their free passes to go watch movies. Frank enters and starts up with a fire and brimstone esque condemnation of the evils of movie theatres and how he's never going back. The others mock him for being afraid of the dark and Brother Frank stands at his pulpit and opines, "I'm not going back because you sit in that movie theatre for so long, you start to forget that the real world even exists. The only thing that seems real is the horror movie up on that screen." Replace "movie screen" with youtube.com video, and you've got my regular Saturday afternoon, Frank-man, what's your point? Frank throws the salt into the fire and it begins.

This tale is about two kids, Pete and Katie, who work at an old timey movie theatre. We open up on the movie theatre. An old lady stares at the screen and slowly claps. You know, the clap, clap, clap one person does, and then the rest join in and there's a standing ovation. Except she's the only person in the entire theatre. I think I love her.

In the lobby, we're on hard times. The manager, Mr. Kristoff, is afraid that the owners are going to shut down the Rialto. The recession is affecting everyone. Even fictional TV characters in the past. "Six bucks?" says greasy Mr. Kristoff, as he counts up the day's earnings. "One popcorn, two sodas," explains Katie. In 1993? I saw the size of that little old lady's popcorn cup! This is so highway robbery, even for a movie theatre. I'm starting to suspect that the unnamed owners of this theatre are mobbed up and having Mr. Kristoff manage the theatre is the equivalent of Michael Corleone sending Fredo to Las Vegas to keep him out of the way.

Pete asks Katie if she'd like to go grab a bite and she turns him down to go ~~wash her hair~~ do homework.

Don't feel bad, Pete. My theory is that she likes you but old man Katie's dad, is a closet racist. So you should stay away. Stay away...forever!

Pete, who loves films and the Rialto and is basically the Dawson Leery of this episode except without A) a freakishly large head, B) an ego the size of Gibralta, starts a campaign to try to keep the Rialto from closing. He tries handing out fliers to people, including a guy in a wheelchair who shakes his head. Ouch! You know your theatre sucks when it's not as good a time as Wheelchair Derby or Paraplegics Anonymous.

Back at the theatre, Red hatted old lady hands back a soda cup as she leaves and Katie tosses out the remaining soda and puts the cup back in the pile. I wait for the Rialto to receive an angry letter from Melvin Udall and a class action lawsuit from Adrian Monk.

Then one day, when Pete and Katie arrive for work and lock up, they start talking about the campaign to save the Rialto. Then there's a knock on the door. The kids tell whomever it is to come back in an hour and then the door opens on its own. You guys need way better security. Get Big Vinny who works over on Prospect Avenue. Enter...Dr. Vink!

A familiar conversation ensues. "Vink's the name! Dr. Vink." "Dr. Fink?" asks Katie. "Vink, with a vah vah vah." As I am feeling the urge to do a pretentious-DVD-commentary-esque...well, commentary here from the POV of a pompous windbag type director, I'll point out that Dr. Vink is played by Aron Tagert, who's overcome his handicap of being of Canadian descent to become a truly spectacular actor. He is an absolute gem. He can play so many different styles, you know, he can do mad, he can do insane, he can do slightly off-kilter. He's wonderful, and, of course, he always brings something new to the table. He's also starred in a Goosebumps episode, and really, this guy is a find, the proverbial diamond in the rough.

Dr. Vink runs around marveling over the smell of the theatre and how authentic it is. "The guy is a nutbag--I'm calling the police," says Katie.

Then Dr. Vink unleashes his fiendish plan. Well, not so fiendish, really. He wants to give them a vampire movie that they can show. If they show the movie, business will pick up and then he'll come back to them and ask for one night a week to show his other movies. "Oh, and I am NOT a nutbag," Vink, Sadako, and all the other 90s loving cult members say in unison. Mr. Kristoff and Dr. Vink shake hands on their agreement. Kristoff, Katie and Pete gape at each other and when they look back at the good doctor, he's gone. Mr. Kristoff's all, "I've done nothing and I'm all out of ideas," and tells the kids to just throw the movie out and f'getaboutit.

The Rialto continues to fail. Mr. Kristoff is stressing that Fat Dom is going to let his livelihood go under as he swigs from a flask.

Don't worry, kids. The flask just contains apple juice. I know because my mom told me that when I first saw it. (She explained that if he was seen rocking the Motts apple juice box that even Pete and Katie would laugh so hard they'd pee their rental uniforms and the Rialto would be out another $50 and then where would they be?)

Then Mr. Kristoff calls the kids to his office. The theatre closes in two short weeks. There's no way this theatre can compete with multiplexes that show movies that people want to see. Pete starts to rage against the machine (those damn corporations...they're just so...corporation-y!) but then there's an explosion in the projection booth and the kids head upstairs. The film strip is all over the floor. Pete has an idea. They decide to show Dr. Vink's film instead. Red hatted lady says, "This better be good, young lady, my time is valuable." Yeah, she needs to spend at least four hours a week convening with George Costanza figuring out ways to top "That's GOTTA hurt" and coming up with new ways to make laser pointer guy suffer.

The film starts and the audience is transfixed. Looks like Dr. Vink was right. After the film, they all file out chattering excitedly about how wonderful the movie was.

Red hatted old lady thrusts her cup at Pete approvingly and says they'll get better results if they show more movies like that. Then she heads off because it's Snark Night at the Apollo and she's late to meet Statler and Waldorf.

Pete and Katie hug.

Channeling the spirits of Dr. Phil and Tuck from The Wonder Pets, Pete says, "Lets hug again!" and Katie starts to act reluctant. He backs off. Yeah, I know, CINAR and the Nickelodeon execs said only one interracial hug and we had to both be wearing ridiculous vests to reduce any hint of impropriety. But Katie's more worried about the fact that everything Dr. Vink said has come true. She seems to think it's unusual that creepy Dr. Vink predicted the future. You know, I seem to remember another long haired, bearded man who said strange things and was considered a "nutbag" and ended up being crucified by a public who just didn't understand. I'm talking of course about my Uncle Jonas. We try not to speak of him in non-hushed tones.

Next scene. The movie box creaks open and a red light peeks out.

Oooh, a haunted film strip! I haven't been so scared since R.L. Stine created a haunted sponge, a haunted bottle of insta tan, and a haunted lawn gnome.

Weeks pass. Next scene, the vampire film is showing yet again. On screen, the dialogue says: "I must get this coffin into the light before the vampire returns," the dialogue says. Stupid Jonathan Harker. Forget the coffin. If there's enough light to kill a vampire, just kill him by opening a window. It's too late and the vampire comes inside and bites Harker and the movie ends with the vampire celebrating by doing an interpretative claw dance. I have to admit, this movie is pretty cool.

Man, this isn't one of your sexy vampires like Lestat or Angel or Bela Lugosi's Dracula. This is a truly horrifying vampire like Max Schrek's Nosferatu or Bunnicula.

Pete and Katie grin over the high popcorn sales. Pete is about to awkwardly ask Katie out yet again (awww), when Dr. Vink cockblocks him. He's come to see how things are. Mr. Kristoff walks in saying, "There you are!" Ooh, someone's success has gone to his head. Kristsoff can finally afford a used car salesman leisure suit and a brand new chest merkin (don't just undo one button--show it all off, man!). Now all he needs is a girlfriend. Get this guy to a Danny DeVito Fan Club meeting and he's in.

Anyway, Dr. Vink just wants one night a week to show movies. Hell, I'd give this guy one night a week for mahjong night if he wanted it, but Mr. Kristoff doesn't want to share his theatre with anyone now that it's successful. He just wants to cut Dr. Vink a check and get him out of here. Dr. Vink ominously replies that Kristoff is wrong and leaves. Incidentally, don't you love the look on Vink's face when Kristoff tries to gladhand him--it's the look my teddy bears get when I give them their hourly suppositories.

Time passes. We cut to Pete watching the movie. He falls asleep and Nosferatu leaves the movie screen and heads on out the door. Pete wakes up and thinks he had a weird dream. Then he heads over to the concession stand to see Katie. He tries to ask her out again. You know, like, maybe Old Man Ewell relaxed his policy on race relations? "I know you think I'm a geek," he tells her. "You're not a geek, Pete. You're more of a nerd." She laughs and tells him she's kidding. Oh, you want to go head to head in a game of Geek, Dweeb, or Spaz, Katie, because I will own you.

There's a Wilhelm scream from above and the kids go investigate to see who's screwing around with the sound effects tape now. They go into Kristoff's office and see that he's slumped over his desk. Been hitting the Mott's a little too hard, old man? Perhaps not.

Gross. See, Bella, this is why you don't want to tempt Edward. Let him go feast on movie theatre managers and substitute math teachers while keeping your lovely white neck intact. The kids can't call for help because the phones are cut. Katie says she'll stay with Mr. Kristoff while Pete goes for help. Pete, knowing the fate of most tokens, says they should stay together. (YES! First, last, and only time a horror show character has said that! Man, if Katie doesn't want this guy, I'll take him. We can go destroy some more cliches on our first date.)

Turns out the kids can't leave anyway because the doors to the building have been locked. But suddenly, they swing open and there's the vampire from the movie.

(Let's get his autograph before the Paparazzi shows up!) The kids shriek and clutch one another.

Why so sad? Because of the look in his eyes that says, "Sorry, kids, looks like you're on the second string of my Vampire baseball team this year. Cheer up. I still need a vampire ump."

As they run, Nosferatu caresses the wall.

You'd think this would skeeve me, but since watching both Sopranos and Real Housewives of New Jersey, nothing short of ten inch acrylics will frighten me.

They head up for the projection booth (oh yeah, that'll work, enclose yourself in a small space). Pete has an idea and tells Katie to start up the movie while he distracts the Nosferatu. He leaves and the vampire eventually comes in and looks at her.

Please help. Will work for dental surgery and access to my tanning booth.

Aww. You know, he's really not such a bad vampire. Maybe if we fix the teeth issue and the skin globules. He's not bad at all, really.

Then suddenly, Katie manages to reach over and flip the switch that starts the movie. Nosferatu backs off looking freaked. I imagine his internal monologue. "No! The show commences! And I forgot to go out to the lobby and have myself a snack!" I know I'm cranky if I have to sit through previews without a Milky Way or eight.

Pete enters the movie screen. The vampire heads in after him. Pete drags the coffin into the light as Katie watches from the audience. "Use teamwork!" she screams at him.

Then Pete opens the window and the sunlight pours in, turning Nosferatu into dust. Wow. Our best weapons couldn't tame the beast, but it was destroyed by something as simple as bursting into flames and disintegrating. Pete comes out of the movie screen and back into real life. Mr. Kristoff walks on screen rubbing his neck and complaining that he had a terrible dream.

Their little vampire weekend over, we cut to Dr. Vink sitting in a seat in the audience applauding and saying, "Bravo!" Mr. Kristoff comes to his senses and decides to let Dr. Vink have his one night a week. But then it turns out that Dr. Vink bought the theatre and now can show his films every night. And apparently he has much, much better movies to show. He throws back his head and cackles.

Well, if the movie business doesn't work out, you can teach Evil Laughs 101. The end.

Back in Midnight Society land, the kids are impressed. Kiki and David wuss out when it comes to Fright Night. Frank takes their tickets. Gary asks if Frank isn't afraid, and Frank laughs and says it's just a movie and the two head off to the movies together.

And, scene! This was my all time favorite episode as a child (well, this and The Tale of the Dark Dragon), and despite the snark, it does hold up quite well. When my future kids beg to watch Twilight and The Vampire Diaries "because that's what you watched when you were little," I plan to turn this on instead and then have a thirtieth trimester abortion if they don't agree that how great Dr. Vink is. In closing, I urge all of you reading this to write to your Congressmen and women about getting Are You Afraid of the Dark? on DVD.

Award!

2009-06-08T21:30:00.001-04:00

This one comes courtesy of Children of the 90s. If you haven't already, you should bookmark that blog. And then bookmark it again because it's just that good.

Now to pass this on to others.

Books, TV, Movies, and Miscellaneous Junk from the '80s and '90s Just found this one and am loving it. Someone else who appreciates Lois Duncan, Clueless, the Simpsons, and 90210 (original, yo) and put it on a website all together. Yeah!

Fear Street because I selfishly hope this will encourage her to post again!

Taren at Chick Manifesto because she's great at putting stuff I've already read into a whole new light and at introducing me to totally different stuff.

Lady J at Cinemania for teaching us that in the world of Lifetime movies, former sitcoms stars can be rapists and abusers.

Lifetime, Wow! for more worthy Lifetime snark.

Goosebumps: Calling All Creeps!

2009-06-04T09:00:00.007-04:00

I had to get around to reviewing the Goosebumps TV series sooner or later, eh? Do I lose coolness points for pointing out that I was genuinely a little creeped out by The Haunted Mask and that's why I ended up not doing it? On to this one.

We open on Ricky Beamer. He's crouching outside the window to a classroom and a voice over is giving us some exposition. Clever boy, R.L.! You can save time and effort if the characters just tell you their motivation. That's totally what your creative writing teacher told you, right? Tell, don't show. (Yes, I'm aware that R.L. Stine didn't actually write the screenplays, but go with it.) As for our protagonist, I see why they call him Ricky. Doesn't he totally remind you of a young Rick Springfield? I mean, Moranis?

And yes, the only thing about this episode that remotely gave me Goosebumps was the thought of seeing that in my bedroom window. Even though I live on the 13th floor. Anyway, Ricky's telling us all about Tasha McClain, the editor of the school paper who never lets Ricky write anything. She also calls him a creep and "Ricky the Rat" and won't let him play in any non-rodent games. So Ricky decides to get his revenge, by showing everyone what a creep Tasha is. Oh, Ricky, you don't have to write for the school paper. Find your own voice. Blog about all the people who make you crazy. You can say bitchy things and then browbeat sad, mentally challenged blonde girls on national television.

Ricky writes on the school computer something that presumably will go in the next issue. He writes: Calling all creeps, calling all creeps, if you're a creep call Tasha McClain after midnight. He gives her phone number and then looks pleased. Hm, so you're a voyeur who attempted to publish an underage girl's phone number and she's the creep. Ricky, the only thing that would make you more creepy would be walking around in a flasher coat. He hears noises in the hallway and realizes Tasha and the newspaper adviser are coming back. He leaps out the window leaving muddy footprints. Subtle, big boy.

The next day in school, he's accosted by the Usual Suspects. A diverse looking group of bullies shows up.

The female bully has a lot to learn if she wants to go the Mean Girls route by the time she's in high school. Regina George would annihilate her for wearing horizontal stripes on a day that ends in y. On to the bullying. One of the bullies breathes on Ricky. Then they all make him sing Old McDonald while everyone laughs. This is what passes for bullying? I'm a mild mannered Virgo, and even I'm having fantasies of swirlies and the dreaded Rear Admiral.

Aww, cheer up, Ricky. You're sporting a sweater vest that would make Chandler Bing weep with envy.

A teacher breaks up the bullying, and the kids scatter. When they leave, there's an adorable new girl who introduces herself as Iris.

She says she just moved here, and when he responds, "I wish I NEVER lived here," she laughs fetchingly. Lucky boy! Cute as a freaking button, ethnic, and she has low standards! She's like the Asian Sarah Silverman. This is so every nebbishy boy's fantasy--meeting a cute Asian girl who digs nerds. I start to think, "R. L., you just wrote about every wet dream you ever had when you were a young writer with big dreams and an even bigger facial mole. Like this could EVER happen in real life," but then I realized that for some nebbishes, sometimes dreams do come true.

Ricky proceeds to take Iris to lunch. Well, he takes her to the cafeteria and tells her that no one ever eats the Tuna Surprise. Iris is all, "Then why do they keep making it," and Ricky snaps, "It's a plot point, just go with it." Then Ricky says, "I can't believe you're talking to me." Iris asks, "Why's that?" and he shrugs. Gee, maybe because the Onion was joking when they wrote that article about Asian teenagers having fetishes for dorky white guys. Because you're a figment in R.L.'s sweaty, clammy, yellow feverish imagination? As they walk by a table, one of the bullies trip Ricky and he goes face down in his own lunch. Everyone but Iris laughs. Tell me this isn't the perfect likeness of a young Robert Lawrence Stine?

He runs off. Iris tells him to wait up, and he says, "Those guys are gonna pay. After Tasha, they're next." And considering your last revenge scheme, I'm worried. Are you going to write them angry limericks? Ricky mentions that he snuck into the newspaper office to play a trick. Are you watching this, little Dylan and Eric? This is the way to get revenge in high school on those who have angered you. Mean spirited little notes in a widely read paper! Not murder suicide.

Ricky leaves school early before he can get a copy of the paper. Iris calls him at night trying to warn him about something awful. His dad picks up on the other line and makes him hang up. Mr. Beamer, dude? Your son's getting calls from a hot girl. This is going to be his only chance for sexy pillow talk that doesn't entail running up the phone bill with calls to 900 numbers or perfecting a Real Girl who's passed the Turing Test.

Anyway, the next call is from a guy who rasps, "Hello, I'm a creep. When do we meet?" followed by several other equally sensual calls. Well, this makes the time at all girls' college when we all got calls from some perv who would ask us to put the Jergen's on our skin or risk the hose again look like Tommy fucking Tutone by comparison. I'd like to deride Ricky for freaking out but when it happened to me I ended up curled in a fetal position outside the R.A.'s room, so I won't. I will, however, mock him for the phone.

Is a glow in the dark phone really necessary? What, are you constantly fielding late night calls from your dealer?

The next day at school, Tasha reveals that one, she saw him that night, two, this newspaper has a better fact-checker than those guys who published James Frey, the Wall Street Journal, and Dan Rather. She somehow managed to see his fiendish little joke and changed it. Tasha laughs at him and then leaves, and the bullies saunter by, nodding and grinning. But not actually, you know, bullying.

At lunch, they stare at him longingly. Oh Ricky, you're so fine! One of them tosses the Rickmeister a note that says, "When will the creeps meet?" Then Ricky heads to his locker.

Well, you know, I'd suggest a picture of Brad Pitt, but then again, I was that weird kid who had a photo of Phil Spector in my locker. Incidentally, love the low camera angle, but that is NOT creepy lettering. The cover of the Goosebumps books? Now that's creepy lettering.

Iris comes up behind him and they talk about the weird events. Then she asks him to go bake cookies with him for the school bake sale. They agree to meet after school the next day, and Ricky's all excited because...well, cookie-baking with a cute Asian girl! You never know what this might lead to. Like, she might show him her collection of stuffed Pokemon dolls and name the cutest one Ricky. Or ask him to help her pick out another schoolgirl skirt. As Ricky stares at her happily, you can tell he's hoping her jacket will slip off her shapely shoulders a little, and I share his feelings, but only because I'm thinking, "This girl has to have a hump under there or a weird evil twin that comes out of her head a la Imprint because what the hell is she doing with Willard here?"

That night, Ricky takes the phone off the hook. Ingenius! However, I'd like to give him the same advice I got for MY weird phone calls in anti-rape class, which is to blow a rape whistle into the telephone receiver. The next morning, he puts the phone back on and the second he does, he gets a call from a female voice saying, "Don't ever take the phone off the hook." Whoa, the writers from that new Beyonce movie Obsessed were totally cribbing from this. The voice goes on, "How can we make contact? We'll be watching. Waiting. We will find you. We will meet soon. Very soon." Oh yeah. Well, who will watch the watchers, dumbass?

Later, Ricky's walking through the woods for no given reason when someone throws a bag over his head and kidnaps him. When he opens his eyes again, he's in a cave, and the bullies are there. They approach him apologetically. "We didn't meet to hurt you!" one says. "We didn't know!" Yeah, turns out they would never have bullied him if they'd known he was a creep like them. And what is a creep?

Based on the cover of the book, I get the feeling that R.L. Stine told scriptwriter/show creator Dan Angel, "Yeah, I'm thinking raptors meet Dennis the Menace," but they only had enough cash for some cheap raptor head knock offs at K-Mart that someone had accidentally spilled yellow paint onto. So, now the erstwhile bullies have yellow dinosaur heads and are doing the Christian Bale Batman voice. Cheap transformation--we don't even see it. One minute we see regular kids, then we cut away to Ricky's rugged visage, and then when we cut back, it's yellow K-Mart dino heads. C'mon, R.L. Stine, what'd you do with the budget money for this episode? Spend it on booze, Asian hookers, and mole glitter?

The dinosaur things explain that they need to get everyone in the school to eat these identity seeds so they'll be changed into creeps as well. If you really want people to know what it's like to be a creep, can't you guys just write a gripping expose on the life of a creep? Creep Like Me? A Creep of One's Own? Then one of them (yes, it's the fat one) eats a fly near Ricky's head with its long, serpentine tongue.

If Ricky's the leader of the creeps, then why are they telling him what they need to do? I haven't been so disgusted by a plot point since Alex Fernandez on Ghostwriter snuck into Thabto headquarters pretending to be the Thabto leader but then some other goon led the meeting. From that moment on, children's TV jumped the shark for me.

The creeps ask him how they should disseminate the identity seeds. Ricky has no idea. The female creep proposes that they put the seeds in the cafeteria food and the other one asks Ricky if he thinks it's a good plan. He replies, "I guess so," and another creep says, "Then it's decided. Seeds in the cafeteria food. It's a goooood plan." So...all he did was stare at them while they came up with ideas and then tell them it was a good plan? I'm suddenly reminded of the decision process for most of the last Bush administration. Ricky IS the deciderer!

Cut to the next morning, in the cafeteria. The creeps need Ricky to dump the seeds. He's unsure and they start to doubt his commitment to the plan. After all, Ricky might not be a team player. They decide to transform and ask him to join them to prove he's a creep. Ricky protests that he is indeed their commander. Well, I can't argue with that. Ricky decides to put the identity seeds in the Tuna Surprise since no one eats that anyway. He dumps it in. Then a cafeteria worker shows up and tries to make him eat it, telling him Tuna Surprise is good nutritious food and that they kids shouldn't mock it. "No, I, uh, never eat tuna in the morning!" Ricky says and then leaves. I'm thinking you're going to have to change your morning fish-eating stance if you want to get into Soon Yi's Digimon themed panties, but okay.

At noon, Ricky anxiously tries to make sure that no one is eating Tuna Surprise, and when he sees Iris has it, he makes her throw it out. She reminds him about their cookie baking date, and he gets impatient and snaps at her, so she leaves. Can I add "has a working spine" to reasons why I love Iris?

Later, in the cave again, the creeps harass Ricky for screwing up the plan. They want to devour him for his poor job performance. (May I suggest placing a pube on his can of Coke?) Then Iris shows up, telling them that she's the second in command and that that plan was just a test run. So Ricky comes up with the plan of putting the Identity Seeds in cookies for the bake sale.

The kids bake cookies in the cafeteria later. Ricky questions Iris separately, and Iris reveals that not ONLY is she a non-creep, cute Asian schoolgirl with a backbone, but that she's also brilliant and came up with this fake plan to get Ricky out of a tough situation. Get the girl a kitten and put her in a Lolicon outit, and I'll start squeeing. The creep-kids chant, "Humans are the past. Creeps are the future." Okay, as slogans go, it's no One of us! but for adolescent-freak things, it's not bad. Even George Orwell probably had to start somewhere lame before he got Four legs good, two legs baaaaad.

At the bake sale, Tasha mocks Iris for being friends with creepy Ricky. Ricky sports another hot sweater vest. Fat creep screams, "Free cookies," and the kids swarm. Ricky tells them not to eat the cookies, but they start laughing at him and chanting, "Ricky the Rat!" The creep-kids tell them that he'll be their leader once everyone eats the cookies. Ricky looks tempted to go mad with power. After all, have you ever gone mad WITHOUT power? It sucks.

Iris tells him that they have to get everyone to stop eating the cookies. But the creeps are quite Mephistophelean. They tempt him with the idea of being leader of the creeps (vroom, vroom!).

Pasty ginger creep leans forward to whisper in Ricky's ear. Just think. Your own line of sweater vests. Also, Feed me, Ricky, feed me all night long! Ricky tells the kids, "Enjoy the cookies," and everyone devours them. Iris protests. One of the creep-kids hands Ricky a cookie and he takes a bite and the credits roll. Uh, don't the creep kids think he's ALREADY a creep? Why hand him a cookie? Well, okay, maybe he looked like he needed the blood sugar rush.

Anyway, I have high hopes for Ricky. I seem to remember one gawky teenager with a cute female sidekick (albeit a redhead, not an Asian) who grew up to become a creep. And he got to be in a Tim Burton movie AND star in a USA series. If you don't know who I'm talking about, do not pass GO or claim $200 but go directly back to the eighties and bone up on your John Hughes movies.

Ghostwriter: What's Up With Alex?

2009-05-27T09:00:00.004-04:00

In case you were wondering, yes, this is the "drugs're bad, mmkay? If you do drugs, you're BAD," episode of Ghostwriter. It starts off with a rash of locker thefts. A girl called Delilah loses her tape player, and another girl, Maria, loses her camera. Our Tina is one of the victims. She loses her sheepskin jacket.

Alex hands Tina his jacket so she won't have to walk home jacketless and puts his arm around her. "Thanks, Alex, you're a really good friend," Tina says, while signaling fiercely with her eyes: "Touch me again and I sic my ancient traditional values Vietnamese father on your ass." I always thought Tina was mad foolish not to respond to Alex's sweet, but not over the top, advances. An edgy sounding guitar rif plays as a non-Ghoswriter team member, Kevin, enters the screen and tells Alex (or Alejandro as he insists on calling him) to walk with him to class.

Later in Urban Studies class, Jamal tells Alex that they have to meet after school to talk about the mystery of the missing stuff. Alex says he can't because he has to go play basketball with the Dragons. Jamal: "Get serious, they're the best three man b-ball team in the neighborhood...You go, boy!" Also, "I'm not bitter at all that I'm the token black guy, you're a head taller than me, and I don't even get a basketball subplot. Screaming Awoooga in music videos is enough for me. Yup."

At Jamal's house, the kids use Ghostwriter to find words near the words on the stolen items. (Tina had a grocery list written in Vietnamese in her stolen jacket pocket.) Ghostwriter returns "I LOVE ALABAMA," "For Sale," "Ralph's," "Body Work," "Used Batteries," and "Alarms." Oh, it's probably at a garage named Ralph's, I think. Ten minutes later, the kids copy down all the words, go through the phone book (remember those? vintage!), have a debate about whether Ralph's refers to a gym, a florist's, or a garage, and finally decide that Tina's jacket is probably NOT in the hands of a hick personal trainer. I suddenly realize how they managed to squeeze four episodes out of each arc.

Meanwhile, at Kevin's place, Kevin goes over some basketball plays with Alex, and the other member of the team, Spencer. Kevin uses code names to describe the basketball plays. He explains that his grandfather did the same thing when he was a fighter pilot. He tells Spencer to, "turn off the magic mirror," and Alex exclaims, "You call your television the magic mirror?" (Incidentally, his grandfather's MVP trophy is referred to as Aladdin's Lamp.) I guess this is supposed to make him seem strange, mysterious, and vaguely seedy, but it just kind of reminds me of the kids who were really, REALLY into Pokemon.

Tina, Jamal, and Hector decide to head to Ralph's Garage to see if they can get some evidence. Side note. For those of you who don't remember, Hector replaced Rob. He was the Mati (heart!) of the team except without a monkey. He was from Puerto Rico, was a bit younger than the rest of the crew, and had trouble reading/writing English. Alex meets him a couple of episodes ago as part of the Big Brother program to mentor him. He's essentially the pre-Dora the Explorer poster child for basic literacy skills. Don't you want to focus on reading, little Hispanic children? A lonely gringo ghost might harass you and make you solve mysteries. One other thing about Hector--he is played by William Hernandez, the gay guy on Real World. (And yes, the only reason I know this is because of youtube commenters. Rest assured, unlike the youtube commenters, I will not stoop to mocking Mr. Hernandez's sexuality.)

So Jamal, Tina, and Hector spy at the garage. Big Ralph sells Delilah back her stolen tape player out of the trunk of a car. Naive Tina, whose parents rarely let her out of the tailor shop except to do extra credit reports, thinks that he must be the thief. Hector informs them it's a fence (selling stolen items). He done learned some mad skillz on the streets of Puerto Rico. Hector then destroys any hope of us thinking he's got cred by walking up to the car trunk and looking inside for Tina's jacket. Big Ralph sees them and gets pissed, and here's where the first segment ends. When we return, Hector gets frightened and reverts to speaking in Spanish. Shut up, Mati. Tina asks to buy back her jacket, but Ralph is suspicious and wants to know who sent them. Since "a dead guy who can google...like, the world" probably won't sound too convincing, and because they don't have the presence of mind to name the girl whom they JUST saw buying stuff, they make up a name. When Ralph doesn't buy that "uh, um...George Glass" sent them, he tells them to git, and they am-scray.

Later, the kids update the suspect list. Delilah gets added to the list. Yes, she stole her own item so she could buy it back marked up 150%. You guys totally need to start working on who killed JonBenet Ramsey next.

On to the drugs. Alex and Kevin rendezvous at his house after having won a b-ball game. Kevin: "Since you're the MVP today, you get to light up." Alex looks horrified. "That's pot!" Kevin responds smoothly, "Also known as marijuana, reefer." (Ooh, someone saw Reefer Madness.) "Don't tell me you've never smoked a joint before...Whoa. This is so cool. I get to introduce you to pot for the first time." As strains of Like a Virgin play in the background, Alex nervously says he has to get going, and maybe some other time. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You know he's in for it now. I learned from such erudite sources as Irvine Welsh, the lady who wrote Go Ask Alice, and the Ninja Turtles (yeah Cartoon Allstars to the Rescue!), that when someone offers you drugs you're supposed to be a lot more assertive about it. Try, "Drugs make you mean to everyone like a monster!" Or if he calls you a chicken say, "I'm not a chicken, you're a turkey."

Next. Alex walks into the Korova Milk Bar. Er, the bodega. Mr. Ferrrrnandez chews out Alex for not cleaning the sidewalk outside the bodega. They got a fifty dollar ticket for not having a clean sidewalk. (Not having a clean sidewalk?! Who the hell runs Brooklyn, Ned Flanders? You ought to see some of the "bodegas" I visit here in Manhattan.) Alex growls that he hates the stupid store. Mrs. Fernandez says, "Alejandro, no quiso decir eso." Mr. Ferrrnandez lights up. "Spanish--you know what that does to me!" Er, rather, Alex translates back for the benefit of the audience, "Yes, I did mean to say that." Then he's grounded for being a smartass. So clearly the lesson here is that Alex should have smoked a bowl with Kevin because either way he was out fifty dollars.

Upstairs in his room, Alex is all angsty and he's totally channeling James Dean but without a wife beater (drag--that would look so awesome). Ghostwriter intuits that something's wrong (he can figure this out but, based on other episodes, he has no idea what copyright infringement, the FBI, or Mickey Mouse are). Alex and Ghostwriter write each other a few notes, and then Ghostwriter sends him one last message.

God, Ghostwriter, insightful. Also, NB to Alex, the sturm und drang of the young adolescent would seem way more plausible if you didn't have a poster of dinosaurs and what looks to be Humpty Dumpty over your bed. (I don't even want to know what you're thinking of before you go to bed.)

Lenni questions Delilah and figures out that Spencer told her about the fence. Lenni isn't wearing anything ridiculously ethnic, so let's skip over this to Kevin and Alex.

Alex is bitching about Papa Fernandez riding his ass. Kevin tells him, "You're going to miss a slamming party. The whole posse's gonna be there." Love the bitchin' 90s slang. Slamming. Posse. Party. Then Kevin tells Alex that Mary Jo will be there. Guys, the slang term for marijuana is Mary JANE, damnit. But it turns out he's referring to an actual girl named Mary Jo. And besides, our man Alejandro already has the yellow fever, so get over it. Side note. Kevin, unnecessary wearing of sunglasses is only permissible if you're Phil Spector at his arraignment or possibly Corey Hart, so take some visine and lose the shades.

At home, Alex has a black and white slo-mo day dream of Mary Jo approaching him, and then of himself wearing sunglasses and holding a b-ball.

Oh, Alex. You know, you don't have to do drugs to look like a total 'tard. Carrot Top does just fine drug-free.

Papa Fernandez comes to his room to scream at Alex for no particular reason and tells him to get back to work. I kind of like Mr. F. He's angry and belligerent, sure, but he COMMITS to it. When Mr. F leaves, our friendly drug user sneaks in through the window and mocks him for sharing a room with his younger sister. (That kind of skeeved me a little, too.) Apparently the party's over but Kevin brought over some pot. Alex hears someone coming, tells Kevin to leave and take his drugs, too. Kevin heads out but leaves the joint on the window sill. Druggie Kevin is an asshole for leaving his drugs where impressionable children and chimpanzees could get to them, but he wins points for not bogarting his squishee--er, joint, and for using the window as a means of entry and exit. When I was a little Sadako, I thought that only the coolest of friends used windows. Little Joey Potter on Dawson's Creek. Sam from Clarissa Explains It All.

Tina and Hector decide to go stalk Ralph some more. They gab over their shared love of greasy looking working class bears (okay, I'm using Hector's sexuality to make jokes, too. Bad Sadako!). If you thought that the FBI camping out in a pizza delivery van for two weeks when stalking mafia goons was subtle, you're gonna love how these guys decided to disguise their intentions.

Yes, they put a paper bag around the video camera. Those people on Candid Camera? They should totally have talked to you guys. I absolutely had to imagine the conversation these two had before heading out. "We have to be careful that Ralph doesn't spot us this time, Hector." "Ooh, should we go in disguise? I'll break out the body glitter!" "No, we need to be subtle." Connie Chung mans the paper bag as Mati looks on. They spy on Spencer bringing Big Ralph a plastic bag and taking some money. Ghostwriter informs them that whatever is in the bag says, "Luck will knock on your door." The dream team has no idea what it could be, and I make a mental note to have them sent a box of fortune cookies.

Gaby finds the joint on the window sill. She demands to know where it came from. Oh, Gabbers, you guys are from El Salvador. You don't know? She gives him a "Drug'sre bad, okay?" speech and he eye rolls. Little sisters just don't understand.

By the way, we have another suspect. A little kid called Arnie was seen holding a camera with a flower sticker on it. (Earlier, a camera was stolen that had a sticker on it.) The kids ask if he got it from Big Ralph, but he bolts, and he goes down in the casebook as a suspect.

Wait, you think Harry Potter over here is the thief? He looks like he'd have an ethical dilemma lifting a penny from the take a penny/leave a penny bowl.

At Urban Studies class, the kids are all doing class projects. (What kind of middle school has an Urban Studies class?) Jamal is paired with Jeffrey (the cute geeky kid from the election episode). They decide to do their project on drugs. Alex and Kevin are working together, and they get chewed out for not having a topic yet.

Another theft. A kid, Jason, lost a bracelet from his girlfriend that says "Love you 4-ever." Oh dear god, no. I'm pretty sure he just threw it out and is pretending that he fell victim to the thefts because he had the foresight to know that bling and bad grammar were going to become seriously uncool soon. Shift scene to Alex lamenting that last night, Gaby found the tell tale joint. He asks if Kevin didn't notice it was missing. Kevin responds, "I thought I might have smoked it and forgot about it." See? Drugs are killing his brain cells! Except I don't do drugs and I'm always burning through my Devil Dogs. Unless...Drake cakes burn brain cells, too?!

Kevin tells Alejandro to bring the joint to his casa after school and then says he's leaving because he doesn't feel so well. Dude, you smoked one, maybe two joints. Dr. House manages to pop Vicodin like tic tacs and solve complicated medical mysteries AND he keeps the hurt and pain of alienating everyone who cares about him bottled up inside without passing out in the middle of the day. Suck it up, homeboy!

Meanwhile, Gaby stresses over her brother and his drug problem. Inexplicably, she's at Lenni's house while Lenni and her hip dad appear to be out. Ghostwriter asks what's going on.

Okay, I know the kids love Ghostwriter, but imagine what it would be like to have a friend who ALWAYS knows that something's wrong, and who you can't really ever get away from. Well, okay, imagine this before the days of Twitter. Incidentally, don't you love the creepy toothed smile sticker Lenni has on her computer? What's the matter, did they run out of peace signs at Lisa Frank? Ghostwriter advises Gaby to write to Alex, and I blame these kids for the passive aggressive signs you see on bathrooms. No, don't write me a cute sign telling me what to do if I sprinkle when I tinkle, just say, "Quit pissing on the damned seat." Anyway, Gaby finishes her note.

Back at paper bag central. Big Ralph is talking to a shady looking figure giving him something. Ghostwriter reads "Love you 4-Ever" so they figure that the thief is right there speaking to Big Ralph. Conveniently, Big Ralph's girth blocks the thief's identity. The fuzz show up to arrest Ralph, and the thief bolts.

At Casa Ferrrrnandez, Dora and Diego argue. Gaby reads Alex her passive aggressive note. (Okay, that's better than just leaving it there, I guess.) He can't find the joint and heads out to Kevin's Den of Iniquity and Sin, which is basically the same as the set of Alex and Gaby's room except trippier.
You can tell that someone who does drugs lives here because of the lava lamp. Oh, set dressers, this just means that someone with no taste lives here. What next, Kevin has track lighting in his room?

Some kids dance looking bored and aimless. Oh no! They've lost their sense of rhythm. Alex wants to work on the Urban Studies project but Kevin's all, "Time to take the trip up the beanstalk, Jack." Goddamnit. I wonder whether or not to throttle Kevin and scream, "If you're going to make literary references, it's Alice in Wonderland, you sad, strange little boy." Alex goes all, "Drugs're bad, mmkay?" on Kevin who puts his arm around Alex and says, "Alejandro, is it wrong to steal a loaf of bread to feed your hungry family? ...and what if your family don't like bread...they like...marijuana?" Er, I mean, he goes on about how drugs are cool. Mary Jo comes over and Kevin tells Alex to man up.

As Kevin plays the devil to Alex's Faust, Alex has a memory montage of all the good, non-drug moments in his life. Mr. Ferrrrnandez talking about Alex becoming a man. Gaby's letter. Rallies with the team. Alex springs to life. "It's just not me, man. I can't do it." He heads out.

Then we come to Jamal and Jeffrey working on their school assignment by talking to a drug counselor named Mr. Oliver.

"I'm not too old to know what kids go through. I hang out in the hood, travel from school to school and do anything I can to keep drugs off my kids." he says. You can tell he can relate to today's youth because of his hip, reversible vest that's ethnic but not TOO ethnic. He asks the kids what the best weapon to fight drugs is. Jeffrey thinks it's guns, Jamal thinks it's the police. Turns out it's knowledge. I was going with hope myself. Damn. "I use knowledge to kick drugs in the butt!" Ooh, you know he's edgy because he used the word "butt." He advises the kids that it isn't ratting on your friends to encourage them to get help if they need it. Mini narcs. You just know that the only reason Grandma Jenkins is so sanguine on her mail route all the freaking time is because she's lighting up now and again.

Next, the Ferrrrnandezes find the joint. Alex pulls the old, "Uh, it was a friend's." Alex is grounded until he decides not to hang out with his druggie friend. Mr. Fernandez: "He's going to keep trying to convince you to do things that you know are wrong." Gee, considering that this whole plot revolves around Kevin basically selling every possession he has to feed the beast within, why the hell is he so eager to give away his stash for free? (Oops, did I give away the ending?) Lighten up, Mr. Ferrrnandez, it's just marijuana. It's not like he's selling Amway.

Back to the mystery. Connie Chung is on the case. Jamal and Tina decide to go review the videotape of Big Ralph and the thief later. Alex blows them off and they think he's a jerk. Turns out that Arnie knew about Big Ralph being a fence because his mom used to date him. And in n other news, Spencer won't let Tina question him.

The kids rally at Lenni's place to watch the video. Two hours of "Back and to the left, back and to the left, BACK and to the left," later, we find out that the thief in the video is sporting a DRAGONS jacket. The kids gasp. Yeah, I know. He should have been wearing a Members Only jacket. The eighties were only a few years ago. Anyway, the kids figure it's Spencer. But Jamal points out that all the Dragons are suspects, except for Alex, who doesn't have a jacket yet. So it could be Spencer, Victor (former member of the team), or Kevin.

Later, there's a basketball game but the Dragons forefeit because Kevin doesn't show. Spencer and Alex are pissed. At Kevin's place, Spencer yells at Kevin who protests that he didn't feel well. What the hell? Did you get the munchies and cram an entire pie down your gullet? Spencer and Alex tell Kevin he has a serious problem, and they leave. Alex realizes he's in trouble since he was already grounded and had to sneak out to go to the game. Spencer leaves and Ghostwriter tells Alex to seek help from his friends.

At Lenni's, Gaby points out that Alex can question Kevin. But Lenni and Tina seem to think Alex is NOT a team player. Tina points out that he "dissed" her and Jamal when they wanted help on the case. (Tina, stop shooting the poor boy down and then whining when he gives you your space. It wasn't cute when Joey Potter or Jen Lindley did it, and it's not cute when you do it either.) Suddenly, Alex shows up.

Meanwhile, Jamal has a valid excuse for missing the rally. He and Jeffrey are working on their project. Jeffrey jumps around the room playing air guitar and singing about how drugs mess up your head, while Jamal rolls his eyes. Yep, play that funky music white boy. Actually, compared to Lenni and her godawful excuse for music, Jeffrey's freaking Bowie. Jamal inexplicably pumps iron.
Oh, Jamal, just break out the roids, and go for it. You're never going to compete with Alejandro's athletic skills on your own.

Anyway, Jeffrey points out that they could make a music video for their project--Lenni did one. (And already your conception is better than her actual video.) Jamal shoots down his idea. Jeffrey's next idea is to write an anti drug book and Jamal has conniptions because writing a book is way too ambitious. Jeffrey's actually kind of cute. He's growing on me. Lose Mati and add him to the team. Oh wait, no one would know what Rally J meant if he was on the team.

Jeffrey yells that Jamal has no ideas of his own. Jamal: "How can I think when you're bouncing around my room like a lunatic?" "Yeah, well maybe I'll just go home and bounce by myself!" Jeffrey shoots back. After they fight, the two apologize and Jamal explains he feels left out since Alex didn't want to work with him. Jeffrey tells Jamal how cool he thinks he is, doing stuff with his friends. Aww.

At Lenni's. Alex tells the kids that Kevin has a real problem with drugs. That he could start doing harder stuff. Lenni replies, "He has a serious problem."

No, Lenni, that hairdo? That's a serious problem. Today you're piling your hair on your head in a bun--tomorrow you could be Amy Winehouse. Anyway, Alex apologizes for having friends that wear Dragons jackets instead of pens around their necks. Then he tells them that he hasn't gone home yet because he's afraid his parents will be pissed. Gaby says that he should write them a letter. Goddamnit, stop with the passive aggression!

Anyway, the letter works. Alex is back in his parents' good graces like Errol Flynn in sweet underage pussy. And Jamal agrees to let Alex work with him on his school project with Jeffrey. Alex is back to the straight and narrow.

Alex goes to find Kevin and finds him paying off a drug dealer with some of his stuff. God, how much does pot go for in Brooklyn these days? Alex tells Kev he needs help, but Kevin blows him off. Rally A time. The kids talk about Kevin and Jamal tells Alex to talk to Mr. Oliver. Alex is reticent but Jamal vouches for him, saying, "He's cool." We're taking tips on coolness from a token who makes Steve Urkel look slamming.

At school, Alex seeks out the drug counselor.

Mr. Oliver sits in a turned around chair, so Alex will know he's on the level. Alex doesn't want to narc out Kevin despite Mr. Oliver's hip mannerisms. Mr. Oliver shakes Alex's hand, hoping he'll change his mind soon. Then at Jamal's, Kevin, Jamal, and Jeffrey decide to write a drug brochure as part of their project. I'll hand it to you, that is slightly more imaginative than a collage, which is what we had to do in anti drug indoctrination--er, health class. Jamal proposes that they do theirs like a comic book and call it "How To Say No to a Friend." It's so...lackluster. So unoriginal. Has no alliterations. Isn't remotely catchy. Somewhere in the distance, Nancy Reagan screams, "It's perfect!"

At school the next day, Lenni questions Spencer. Spencer explains that he delivers Chinese food to Big Ralph and that's it. Lenni thinks he's hiding something. Tina questions Victor but realizes he couldn't have done it because he was at a track meet during one of the robberies, with tons of witnesses. Back at Lenni's, the kids stare at the video tape for a few more hours as I zonk out. "Back and to the left. Back and to the left." The kids finally realize that the weird message ("Luck will knock on your door") was a fortune cookie. Stupid kids. They decide that they should call for Chinese food and that when Spencer comes, they'll show him the videotape of Big Ralph and the mystery criminal and that if he looks guilty, they'll know it was him. When Spencer comes over, he reveals that Kevin used to work for the Chinese place and knows Big Ralph. Uh oh.

Chez Jamal. The comic book brochure. Turns out you can do all kinds of things instead of smoke a bowl. Jamal illustrates these things for us. You can play baseball. Graduate from high school.
Get molested by a bearded stranger. As the kids finish up their anti drug propaganda, I get a vague urge to light a doobie.

On to the denouement. Ghostwriter finds some clues involving the "Magic Mirror" and "Aladdin's Lamp." Yep, Kevin's hocking his crap to finance his drug problem. Anyone surprised here? Alex shows up and figures out what the clues mean. Ghostwriter reveals that Kevin is at the basketball court, so Jamal and Alex go find him.

He's lying down in pain, barely able to speak. Good god, did the drug dealer decide to take something else in lieu of payment? Like, Kevin's ass virginity? Jamal goes to find Mr. Oliver as an uplifting song about light at the end of the darkness plays in the background.

At the bodega, Alex talks on the phone. He hangs up and tells Papa Ferrrrrnandez that friend Kevin will be in the hospital for two more weeks. "What about his drug problem?" asks Papa F. "Is that going to go away in two weeks, too?" Ooh, zing. Kevin's going to get drug counseling and they'll decide how to deal with the locker thefts when Kevin gets out. Everyone got their stuff back, though, so that works out. And it seems that CPS paid the Fernandezes a visit because Alex isn't going to be sharing a room with Gaby anymore--Mr. Fernandez is going to convert a spare room into a bedroom for Alejandro!

And, scene! Well, good episode, except there was no closure about the things that really matter. Like will Alex's new room include a jacuzzi and a washer/dryer? And did the kids get an A on their drug brochure or just an A-?

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Full Moon

2009-05-20T22:00:00.004-04:00

It's Frank's one year anniversary! One year ago he was brought into the Midnight Society, and now as is custom, it is Frank's turn to tell a tale. (You have to wait a year before they'll let you tell another one? Lame--I kid, I kid. I know how it works.) Frank does a lot of backstory on full moons. Then he tells us that one very special thing happens when the moon is full and calls his story, "The Tale of the Full Moon." Wow, way to ruin the suspense, guy. Either this story is about a werewolf or someone gets mooned. I hope it's the latter.

So, the story. Our main character, Jed, and his best friend Hughie (Hughie, really?) are pet detectives. Looks like I wasn't the only one who saw Ace Ventura eight times in theatres! Hughie points out that Jed's mom won't let him get a dog, and Jed replies that she'll change her mind when she sees this:

Awww, a scruffy but scrappy looking olive skinned boy! Can I keep him? Oh, wait, no, I mean, a puppy. Jed's mom will totally go,"Look at the puppy dog eyes--don't you just want to smooth his hair out of his eyes and give him a big old smooch?" Not! Nice try, Jedster. The above quote is exactly how I hoped my mother would react when I brought home Rider Strong. I have a feeling your mom will be just as stern. (Also, why is there a men's room sign in your clubhouse? Is your clubhouse just that much cooler than mine was?)

Today's task is to look for a missing cat named Misty. They go through the list of things they'll need, like a catnip mouse. Jed takes out a silver dog whistle (you know, the kind only dogs can hear). Either the boys are really bad at cat hunting or this SILVER whistle is going to come in handy. Cue the looking for Misty montage. Since looking for missing cats is pretty boring even in real life, I tuned out for most of this. (Multi tasking is so much easier with youtube.com.)

Jed notices that the house across the street from his has just been sold to a new neighbor. And he finds a collar with the name Misty on it is in the backyard. How creepy! When I pick up strange women and make them wear slave collars, I always make sure to clean up after myself. Harrumph.

Jed decides to spy on the neighbor. He heads on inside without knocking and opens the fridge. Little brat. God, it's like watching an episode of Seinfeld without even getting to hear a 90s catchphrase. Well, let's look inside. Lots and lots of meat. Ooh, the new neighbor does Atkins. Super ahead of his time.

Jed spies on the neighbor taking out said raw meat and preparing it with pepper, soy sauce, Tabasco and an egg. Jed seems fearful, but living as I do in an apartment that doesn't even have an oven, let alone barbecuing capabilities, I gotta say, neighbor man doesn't seem so bad. Even if he is a werewolf. (Oops, did I give something away?) Jed hears the neighbor coming and skedaddles. Later that night...

AHHH!!! It's hideous. No, wait, that's Jed's house. (I kind of wish I was spending the night at the house across the street, despite its distinct lack of carbohydrates.) Jed tells his mother about how the neighbor is killing animals. Jed's mother thinks it's an excuse for him to adopt pets to save them from the "Butcher of Maple Street." Jed thinks she's being unfair. Aw, Jed, your mom can't become crazy cat lady. She can't. That's like the only thing going for her--the fact that underneath all that Aquanet is a woman who at least doesn't have a pet collecting disorder.

Jed's mom goes back to watching My Cousin Vinnie for more fashion and decor tips. Well, she is nothing if not reasonable. Dogs are expensive, and besides, how else will you guys afford a garden gnome to keep the pink flamingo company? Not to mention the zebra print loveseat Mom's had her eye on?

Jed growls that his dad would probably let him have a dog. Jed's mom agrees sadly and then looks at a photo of herself, Jed, and Jed's dad before muttering, "Creep!" and slamming the frame down. Uh, why do you have a picture of him IN YOUR HOUSE if you hate him? Shouldn't you be busy cutting out out his face from all the pictures and replacing them with Joe Pesci's visage?

That night, Jed sets up a video camera aimed at the house next door. Kinky. Someone wants to get in on the Misty action. Okay, but seriously, spying on your neighbors is not cool. I haven't needed to do that since living in the suburbs during Lawn Stravaganza season. (People dumping ammonia on each other's lawns is no laughing matter.) So, Jed waits, and next door neighbor heads over to the window and starts moaning and clutching his throat. (Why do people always wolf out in front of a window?) He conveniently ducks down and when he reappears, he's already transformed into a werewolf. Good god, Cinar and Nickelodeon sure did have huge special effects budgets for wolf-outs. For what it's worth, this did scare the Gak out of me as a child. It took me a while before I could even screencap the werewolf. (And don't ask me to screencap The Witches. Just don't.)

Incidentally, the neighbor is never given a name. I even looked it up online. He's credited as "Boyfriend." I think he looks like an Eric. Eric the half-wolf.

Jed screams and his mom enters. She doesn't believe him and somehow the video camera didn't catch the werewolf. Even though we just saw it. Plus, it's VAMPIRES who can't be caught on film. God, writers, it's like you aren't even trying.

Later, Jed and Hughie do research.

After you guys are done reading about werewolves, can I look up the chapters on Michael Jackson and Cher? Hughie tells Jed that real werewolves (or lycanthropes) can transform at any time. And that they HATE silver and red roses. "Great," cracks Jed, "all we gotta do is trap him in a flower shop." Nice snark, Jed, but if it were me, I'd say something like, "So what, they like chocolate and diamonds? All I can say is they better put out." Oh, wait. It is me. And that is what I said.

I've seen the Lost Boys and Fright Night, so I know what's coming. Date night. There's nothing werewolves and vampires love so much as seducing lonely divorcees and/or widows with paranoid children. Because you know no one else is going to look past their weirdness.

Hmm, this can't be a really big date. That yellow bow looks way understated and she didn't break out the leopard print dress leggings. Gotta say, though, I also take tips from Amy Winehouse when I'm doing my make up for a special occasion. Jed's mom tells him she met a new guy bowling two weeks ago, and he's excited for her. There's a knock on the door, and Jed opens the door to...Wolfman Eric! If you didn't see this coming, even as a child, you need to be shown every single vampire/werewolf movie ever with your eyes forced open a la Clockwork Orange.

Though I do have to wonder. Have two weeks gone by since the opening scene? or was he here for two weeks and Jed just didn't know? I would scream shenanigans, but all this meat is making me hungry.

So, the most awkward dinner ever ensues. (Seriously, she met the guy two weeks ago and it's already time to bring him home to meet her son?) As the waves of desperation emmanate off of Jed's mom, Wolfman Eric says that the people here are friendlier than they were in their old area. Jed snarks, "Transylvania?" (Silly boy, it's London. Werewolves of LONDON. And what is it with the writers mixing up their vampire/werewolf stereotypes?) Wolfman Eric says, "Actually, Seattle." A little hairiness is nothing to worry about in Seattle. For example, have you seen Frasier Crane without a shirt on? (I still haven't stopped shuddering.)

Jed stabs Wolfman Eric with a silver fork hoping it will kill him, and then runs to the curtain to open the curtain and indicate the full moon, hoping he'll wolf out. Nothing happens and Wolfman Eric smiles and says, "No harm done" (meaning: "Sweet, her kid stabbed me, and I didn't lose my cool--I'm so in her polyester panties). Jed gets sent to his room. The lesson here is that if you meet a man who's this tolerant of your bratty kid, run. He's either a pedophile or a member of the undead. Or possibly both.

Next scene: Jed's room.

Mother Jed opens the door to let Jed know that she and Wolfman Eric are heading out for coffee. (He's from Seattle. He's used to Starbucks. He won't know how to order coffee in this new town that seems to be trailer park meets New Jersey.) As she closes the door, we see a Shar Pei poster on the door. Whatever gets you through the night, Jed.

So Wolfman Eric passed the werewolf test (or failed, I guess). Jed's still not sure. He calls Hughie up to go werewolf hunting. I usually like to go with Garey Busey and the kid from the Wonder Years in a wheelchair, but okay.

Inside the lair, they do a little searching.

First, the fridge.

Hey, did we sneak into Maris Crane's house? Wow, yet another Frasier joke. Forgive me, our celebrities are way too chubby to make anorexic jokes about anyone current. I'm reduced to making jokes about pre-snarked fictional characters from the 90s. And yes, pre-snark does taste like already been chewed food. Back to the episode. So, the wolf is probably either hungry or he's bulimic, in which case, let's show him a little courtesy and stay out of the bathroom.

Next, a closet! Jed puts his hand on the doorknob.

The two boys open a door and...gasp as...

an ironing board falls out. My god! I agree, boys, closet space like that and Wolfman Eric wastes it on an ironing board. (Okay, someone's been watching House Hunters way too much.)

After a little searching, Hughie finds a picture of Wolfman Eric...but there are two of him. Turns out mom's dating a twin. Oh no! What if Eric's twin tricks her into having sex with him because they're identical? This is why you should never date a twin. Oh, and, it also means that the werewolf isn't trying to order a Double Mocha Venti but is rather here. Conveniently, he roars to life and pops up from beyond an empty box and chases the boys up the stairs. They barricade themselves into a room. As Jed picks up a squeaky bone toy, they realize they're chez werewolf.

Sidenote: he's only a werewolf some of the time. What do they do when he's a person? Does he get to sleep in another room? Does he still make use of the squeaky bone?

They try to make it out the window, but the wolf pops in. Jed takes out his foreshadowed silver whistle and blows. Wolfie cowers in fear.

Not-really-Wolfman Eric comes up the stairs and explains that his brother's not really a wolf. Werewolf is an offensive term. They prefer to be called Lycanthrope Americans. Anyway, the wolf's name is Gordon and he suffers from lycanthropy, a horrible disease. The boyfriend/brother still doesn't have a name. He strokes Gordon lovingly. Aww, who's a good wolf?

Jed tells him that when his mom finds out, she'll be pissed. Mom comes up and says she already knows. You know, guys, most people wait until at least the third date before mentioning they have a problem (jealous knife wielding ex, a tendency to secrete green pus from certain places, a criminal record, a love of the Twilight series). And some people wait until they're almost married before letting their lover know they've got a family member chained in the attic (Mr. Rochester, I'm looking at you). Well, a good man is hard to find (and a hard man is good to find, rim shot), amirite, Mama Jed?

Jed: "You're not scared?" Mama Jed: "I was at first, but I'm trying to understand, honey." This will end well. I love this episode's message. If you can't get a man, settle for one who has a werewolf chained up in the attic.

The boyfriend smiles. "There are lots of different kinds of families, Jed. This is just one of them." Hurrah for blended families. I start to say something snarky about how I'd rather live with the Brady Bunch, Cousin Oliver and all, but then I realize what I'm about to say. Okay, Eric-the-not-a-wolf, you have a point. There are fates worse than sharing a bathroom with a werewolf.

Jed asks if Gordon eats children and Eric says, "Rumors. People can be so cruel." (They CAN?! All right! Oops, better finish recapping the episode before I go off to commit mayhem.) Jed seems okay with this, but points out that if he's going along with this arrangement, Gordon has to stop with the feline snacks. Aw, come on, Gordon only ate one cat. Who are we to judge--this month alone I ate at four Chinese restaurants and one Korean place.

Incidentally--what does Eric eat? If the fridge full of raw meat was for Gordon, then does Eric just eat out a lot? And hey, doesn't Gordon eat normal food when he's not a wolf? No, no, don't, "It's just a TV show" me--it's got the answers to the meaning of life and you know it. Also, if werewolves can change at any time, why is this episode even called The Tale of the Full Moon?

Cut to a midnight barbecue. The background narration tells us that Eric and Mama Jed got married. They barbecue steaks while Jed plays fetch the stick with Gordon. The last line is "And as for Jed, he finally got his dog."

Way to not show the werewolf again. I wonder if it was because they thought it would be too creepy or because they only paid for two werewolf sequences. Wait a minute. If Gordon suffers from a terrible disease, why is it okay to treat him like a household pet? When Charlie Babbitt used Rain Man to try to get rich, everyone thought he was a typical evil eighties asshole (which is true since he was Tom Cruise). If you had a schizophrenic, bipolar, or hunchbacked brother and you decided he was basically your pet, you'd be up on abuse charges. This is so not cool.

And scene! The Midnight Society kids look evil and tell Frank they're going to have barbecued Frank in honor of it being his one year anniversary. Frank looks nervous and they point out that they mean hot dogs. This joke is as tired as I am, and it was done better on Goosebumps. You know, that one with the pedophile (er, okay, monster) librarian who gets eaten for dinner?

Well, hope you guys enjoyed that. I'm probably going to try to stay true to this blog's title and do a Ghostwriter episode this weekend.

Wilkommen

2009-05-20T17:01:00.000-04:00

Hi, everybody. I'm Sadako. You may remember me from such blogs as Dibbly Fresh and...well, just that one.

I plan to blog on fascinating TV shows like Goosebumps, Are You Afraid of the Dark (not since I got the ultra nightlight 2000) and Ghostwriter (word!). Enjoy, kiddies.